Hello blog.
I am now 13 weeks with my second rainbow baby. This pregnancy I've felt more..ambivalent. I very much want this baby, and am very happy I am pregnant. However I feel like my brain is trying to protect myself from potential loss, so I'm constantly fighting the thought that something is wrong or the baby is dead. It was like that with Caden, too I just feel like it is more difficult this time to be happy.
I had an appointment yesterday and it was difficult. I saw a different OB then I usually do. I think she knew some of my history, but wasn't as gentle with me as my regular OB. Normally, if it is to early/can't find the heart beat on a doppler, my OB will automatically give me an ultrasound. She did this with both Ana and Caden. However, this OB must be different. I had Caden with me and he was upset and crying. My husband was late so I had him in the office with me. Caden yelled and yelled so the OB could not find the HB and was rather rude. "This is pointless" referring to trying to hear it with my son there. She said "come back next week" and we'd try again. I guess I was in shock, or just to overwhelmed to respond. By the time I got to check out and was scheduling a follow up, I started to cry. I went outside and tried desperately to call my friend who is an ultrasound tech. I was going to beg her for an ultrasound. She was out of town.
My husband showed up and I asked him to advocate for me to have an ultrasound before we left the building. He did so, and a nurse came and got me. She obviously had no idea what was wrong as I was sobbing. She brought me back to a room and asked me what was wrong. I told her my daughter died and I needed to know if this baby was alive. She was sweet and said we'd find out. So, the OB came back. I'm still a mess, and explain I just need to know if the baby is alive. They re did the doppler, and found a perfect heart beat of 155. I cried with relief and went on my way. It was really embarrassing. I'm sure everyone in the waiting room thought something terrible had happened. This is also the same office I found Ana had died in, so it's very triggering for me anyway.
So, that sucked. But, i made it through and baby is OK! I am now moving into the second trimester and trying to relax and enjoy. Easier said than done!
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Fear
So, we told the world. Pretty much everyone knows except some people at work. We've had our first ultrasound which went great. Perfect heartbeat at 105bpm, measuring right at six weeks. Due date is May 11th. We did a photo shoot and it was awesome. I'll post some of the pics.
I am now terrified of a missed miscarriage. That the baby will stop growing and the heart will stop. Though in reality, at this point the miscarriage rate is only 10% after seeing a heartbeat, and it goes down again once I hit 7 weeks, on Thursday. So...everything should statistically be fine. But, when you are pregnant after loss logical thinking goes out the window. Once I announced on Facebook, two fellow loss mamas messaged me saying they were pregnant! So exciting. We'll be able to support each other. I also have my online support community, thencomesfamily.com. Been on there since trying to get pregnant with Ana over four years ago. I thought about it the other day..I have had three pregnancies in the last four years! By the time this baby is born, I will have had three babies in a little over four years. INSANE. No wonder I am tired!
This will most likely (if everything goes well) be our last bio child. It is very difficult emotionally for me to go through pregnancy and I am not sure I could do it again. Especially if this baby is a girl. If we want more kiddos, we'll adopt. We want to adopt anyway (I'm adopted). We've already started the process to get approved through the state to adopt.
So that's whats going on now. Fear and joy, and mixed in together! I am having morning sickness (mostly at night) hunger, food aversions and cravings, mood swings, sore breasts on and off and extreme fatigue! All remind me of the miracle growing inside.
Peace & Love
I am now terrified of a missed miscarriage. That the baby will stop growing and the heart will stop. Though in reality, at this point the miscarriage rate is only 10% after seeing a heartbeat, and it goes down again once I hit 7 weeks, on Thursday. So...everything should statistically be fine. But, when you are pregnant after loss logical thinking goes out the window. Once I announced on Facebook, two fellow loss mamas messaged me saying they were pregnant! So exciting. We'll be able to support each other. I also have my online support community, thencomesfamily.com. Been on there since trying to get pregnant with Ana over four years ago. I thought about it the other day..I have had three pregnancies in the last four years! By the time this baby is born, I will have had three babies in a little over four years. INSANE. No wonder I am tired!
This will most likely (if everything goes well) be our last bio child. It is very difficult emotionally for me to go through pregnancy and I am not sure I could do it again. Especially if this baby is a girl. If we want more kiddos, we'll adopt. We want to adopt anyway (I'm adopted). We've already started the process to get approved through the state to adopt.
So that's whats going on now. Fear and joy, and mixed in together! I am having morning sickness (mostly at night) hunger, food aversions and cravings, mood swings, sore breasts on and off and extreme fatigue! All remind me of the miracle growing inside.
Peace & Love
Monday, September 12, 2016
Here we go again...
Hello blog, been a while.
Back in school, so far going well. Starting the third week today.
Some big news! I'm pregnant! So excited. I had gone to see my OB over the summer and she prescribed me progesterone due to short cycles. Well, it worked on the first try! My due date for right now is May 9th. I have my first ultrasound on Thursday, then seeing the nurse on Friday. First appointment with my OB on Oct 6th. So far, my sister, Dad and a few close friends/co workers know. My husband of course :) once we see everything is going well, we'll announce to the public. It should work that I can have the baby and be out the rest of the school year.
Of course being pregnant after loss is terrifying. I feel less terrified than last time, but still fear a miscarriage...or that we will go to the ultrasound and there will be nothing. Still having troublesome thoughts about my son. It was really cold this morning and he slept through the night. I first thought he was dead. It's a continuous process.
So, for now...happy and pregnant! Will keep you updated
Back in school, so far going well. Starting the third week today.
Some big news! I'm pregnant! So excited. I had gone to see my OB over the summer and she prescribed me progesterone due to short cycles. Well, it worked on the first try! My due date for right now is May 9th. I have my first ultrasound on Thursday, then seeing the nurse on Friday. First appointment with my OB on Oct 6th. So far, my sister, Dad and a few close friends/co workers know. My husband of course :) once we see everything is going well, we'll announce to the public. It should work that I can have the baby and be out the rest of the school year.
Of course being pregnant after loss is terrifying. I feel less terrified than last time, but still fear a miscarriage...or that we will go to the ultrasound and there will be nothing. Still having troublesome thoughts about my son. It was really cold this morning and he slept through the night. I first thought he was dead. It's a continuous process.
So, for now...happy and pregnant! Will keep you updated
8/29/2016
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Better
I am doing better. That med was nuts and made me feel crazy. I feel more like me now. I still am having anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Its better than feeling like shit though, and not being able to sleep. I see my doc next week. We will discuss options then, but I am not going to try more medications like that. I don't know what other options I have but I do not want to feel like that.
It's hot. I am over the summer heat. I am looking forward to fall, not going back to work but the cool crisp air. Being hot has always made me cranky. I am having issues with a tooth and need a root canal...not fun at all! Getting that done tomorrow. Trying to get things done before back to school in three weeks. It will be nice for a fresh start to work, and to be more busy.
I see my OB next week. The one who delivered Ana and Caden. I love her. She is a very kind woman. I am going to ask about my cycle issues and see what she thinks. We've also turned in our adoption application to DHS, and have been finger printed. Our references have been contacted. I'm thinking we'll be licensed as a foster/adoptive home in Dec or Jan at the earliest. If I get pregnant before then we'll just put adoption on hold. I still want to adopt eventually.
I guess that's really it for now. Did I write about the dream I had a little while ago? Don't think I did. Well, I had a dream that my friend gave birth to twin girls, who were healthy (she lost her twin boys last year). Then I was at some type of church gathering with my children. I had a boy, about 5 or 6 named Sam. I had the distinct impression he was adopted. Caden wasn't there, but Ana was! She was about 13, and was upset that she wouldn't be able to be a teenager on earth, so she was going to be a teenager in heaven! She had a big attitude and my friend went to go talk with her. It was cool :)
That's all for now :)
It's hot. I am over the summer heat. I am looking forward to fall, not going back to work but the cool crisp air. Being hot has always made me cranky. I am having issues with a tooth and need a root canal...not fun at all! Getting that done tomorrow. Trying to get things done before back to school in three weeks. It will be nice for a fresh start to work, and to be more busy.
I see my OB next week. The one who delivered Ana and Caden. I love her. She is a very kind woman. I am going to ask about my cycle issues and see what she thinks. We've also turned in our adoption application to DHS, and have been finger printed. Our references have been contacted. I'm thinking we'll be licensed as a foster/adoptive home in Dec or Jan at the earliest. If I get pregnant before then we'll just put adoption on hold. I still want to adopt eventually.
I guess that's really it for now. Did I write about the dream I had a little while ago? Don't think I did. Well, I had a dream that my friend gave birth to twin girls, who were healthy (she lost her twin boys last year). Then I was at some type of church gathering with my children. I had a boy, about 5 or 6 named Sam. I had the distinct impression he was adopted. Caden wasn't there, but Ana was! She was about 13, and was upset that she wouldn't be able to be a teenager on earth, so she was going to be a teenager in heaven! She had a big attitude and my friend went to go talk with her. It was cool :)
That's all for now :)
Monday, August 1, 2016
Pills
Hello.
This will be somewhat of a rant, as it is past midnight and I cannot sleep. So, my doc put me on some new meds to help with my intrusive thoughts/anxiety. It has been a roller coaster of a few weeks trying two different meds. One made me sick so I stopped. This one has been interesting. The first day I was sedated. Then, the last four nights I cannot sleep before 1 or 2am despite feeling tired. It's like inside is going and buzzing...it is unpleasant. My mind feels hyper focused but not in a good way. I am tired. This was what I was nervous about...becoming a guinea pig. Yes, I do believe I need help. my anxiety/trauma/depression/what ever label you want to use has gotten worse since having my son. I think a lot of it is trauma related, and fear of losing him. I'm in therapy with a good therapist. Though sometimes she pushes a little to hard.
I trust myself. I know myself. I know what is best for myself, even if I don't act on it. I know that I need to eat healthier, and exercise. I know that will improve both my mood and how I feel physically (worn out, stomach issues, dizzy, nauseous). I need to take care of myself.
I know my doctor and my therapist would like me to give the meds longer to work, or increase the dose to see if that helps. But seriously...I feel so fucked up. I feel high, or...out of it. It's really hard to describe. It feels like I'm anticipating something but can't identify it. Damn and I tired. I have an apt. next week with her so I'll talk with her then. I'm done taking that med. Done. Gotta trust myself that that is what is best. I don't want to deal with those scary thoughts though..the intrusive images of my son dead. No, I don't want to live like that. There has got to be other ways to manage it than drugs. I have had success on antidepressants and anxiety medications but it is not touching these thoughts, and the drugs they have me on right now are not helping.
I should really try sleeping but I feel like I just lay there and think and squirm and it's uncomfortable. I know my son will be awake in a few hours and I will be cranky and tired. I just hope this med comes out of my system quickly.
I am going to try to come up with some sort of health plan. More varied diet, with more fruit and veggies. Supplements, exercise. Maybe essential oils. More meditating, getting reconnected with my spiritual self. I know it will at least help.
I am so tired.
This will be somewhat of a rant, as it is past midnight and I cannot sleep. So, my doc put me on some new meds to help with my intrusive thoughts/anxiety. It has been a roller coaster of a few weeks trying two different meds. One made me sick so I stopped. This one has been interesting. The first day I was sedated. Then, the last four nights I cannot sleep before 1 or 2am despite feeling tired. It's like inside is going and buzzing...it is unpleasant. My mind feels hyper focused but not in a good way. I am tired. This was what I was nervous about...becoming a guinea pig. Yes, I do believe I need help. my anxiety/trauma/depression/what ever label you want to use has gotten worse since having my son. I think a lot of it is trauma related, and fear of losing him. I'm in therapy with a good therapist. Though sometimes she pushes a little to hard.
I trust myself. I know myself. I know what is best for myself, even if I don't act on it. I know that I need to eat healthier, and exercise. I know that will improve both my mood and how I feel physically (worn out, stomach issues, dizzy, nauseous). I need to take care of myself.
I know my doctor and my therapist would like me to give the meds longer to work, or increase the dose to see if that helps. But seriously...I feel so fucked up. I feel high, or...out of it. It's really hard to describe. It feels like I'm anticipating something but can't identify it. Damn and I tired. I have an apt. next week with her so I'll talk with her then. I'm done taking that med. Done. Gotta trust myself that that is what is best. I don't want to deal with those scary thoughts though..the intrusive images of my son dead. No, I don't want to live like that. There has got to be other ways to manage it than drugs. I have had success on antidepressants and anxiety medications but it is not touching these thoughts, and the drugs they have me on right now are not helping.
I should really try sleeping but I feel like I just lay there and think and squirm and it's uncomfortable. I know my son will be awake in a few hours and I will be cranky and tired. I just hope this med comes out of my system quickly.
I am going to try to come up with some sort of health plan. More varied diet, with more fruit and veggies. Supplements, exercise. Maybe essential oils. More meditating, getting reconnected with my spiritual self. I know it will at least help.
I am so tired.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Mid summer
Hi Blog
I should write more. Summer is about half way over. I've had a few visits from my sister, which was nice. I wish we lived closer to each other. I'm in a funk. I am asking for help though and trying to be open with my husband about my feelings. I'm still not pregnant, which is probably a good thing. It gives me time to focus on getting healthy. I feel like I have a lot going on in my head. Counseling is going well. I am trying a new medication to help with my anxiety/intrusive thoughts. We'll see if it helps. I am not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago, which is nice. It's been really hot and humid and that has not been helpful. Tomorrow my husband is off and we're going to have a date, child free which will be nice. It's been a long time. I think I will get in the pool and exercise today. I know it will help, the motivation is just low. I hope that by the time I go back to school in about 5 weeks I will be feeling better and ready. The summer is definitely not going how I imagined (care free, happy, fun). There has been fun times I just need to have more of that! Really trying. Going out with Empty Arms friends on Wednesday for dinner. Will be nice. I really like them. They understand the pain of losing a child, and I just like being around them. Even when we aren't talking about our children. I find comfort in being around people who get it.
In other news I went to the meeting at DHS about adoption/foster. We have turned in our application for adoption through the state. Its a long process involving home study, finger printing, inspection by fire marshall...but it's something I've always wanted to do. Also takes me mind of trying to get pregnant. If we can adopt a baby, maybe I'll be done with having biological children. I don't know. I want to have another bio baby, but really the anxiety is so intense. I am hopeful for the future, for both myself and my family.
I should write more. Summer is about half way over. I've had a few visits from my sister, which was nice. I wish we lived closer to each other. I'm in a funk. I am asking for help though and trying to be open with my husband about my feelings. I'm still not pregnant, which is probably a good thing. It gives me time to focus on getting healthy. I feel like I have a lot going on in my head. Counseling is going well. I am trying a new medication to help with my anxiety/intrusive thoughts. We'll see if it helps. I am not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago, which is nice. It's been really hot and humid and that has not been helpful. Tomorrow my husband is off and we're going to have a date, child free which will be nice. It's been a long time. I think I will get in the pool and exercise today. I know it will help, the motivation is just low. I hope that by the time I go back to school in about 5 weeks I will be feeling better and ready. The summer is definitely not going how I imagined (care free, happy, fun). There has been fun times I just need to have more of that! Really trying. Going out with Empty Arms friends on Wednesday for dinner. Will be nice. I really like them. They understand the pain of losing a child, and I just like being around them. Even when we aren't talking about our children. I find comfort in being around people who get it.
In other news I went to the meeting at DHS about adoption/foster. We have turned in our application for adoption through the state. Its a long process involving home study, finger printing, inspection by fire marshall...but it's something I've always wanted to do. Also takes me mind of trying to get pregnant. If we can adopt a baby, maybe I'll be done with having biological children. I don't know. I want to have another bio baby, but really the anxiety is so intense. I am hopeful for the future, for both myself and my family.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Coping?
how do you cope? I feel like it's just one thing after another. One trigger after another. Barely floating than WHAM a wave. I feel like I am being judged. I feel like others don't see my loss as significant. I don't know why I care. I guess I just want Ana's life to be acknowledged and valued. That is really important to me. I feel like the world doesn't get it.
and they don't. And that should be a good thing, that most people don't know my pain. I just need validation. Validation that it hurts and this is an incredibly difficult journey. Sometimes I really am ok. I don't know why the last few months have been more difficult. I've had more anxiety and depression in general. I can't seem to get out of this one. I feel really alone. I am trying to speak about it but it's hard. I know people care but ...they aren't in my head.
Not really sure what will help. I have therapy tomorrow and that's good. Will try and get out once Toby is home. Go for a walk, try and do something fun. Need to focus on positive things.
and they don't. And that should be a good thing, that most people don't know my pain. I just need validation. Validation that it hurts and this is an incredibly difficult journey. Sometimes I really am ok. I don't know why the last few months have been more difficult. I've had more anxiety and depression in general. I can't seem to get out of this one. I feel really alone. I am trying to speak about it but it's hard. I know people care but ...they aren't in my head.
Not really sure what will help. I have therapy tomorrow and that's good. Will try and get out once Toby is home. Go for a walk, try and do something fun. Need to focus on positive things.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Apples and Oranges
Ugh. Love how you can be slapped in the face with grief when you least expect it, and by those you least expect it from.
A friend's dog died recently. She shared a video her son made her about the dog. It was sad and a beautiful tribute. The dog had been sick for a while, but had lived a long healthy life. In her post on facebook, she called the dog her baby. I was triggered by this, as dogs are not babies. I can understand the deep love we have for our pets. I had two dogs I grew up with, and I loved them deeply. I was very saddened by their passing. I remember when we were discussing putting my dog down, and I was sobbing. I said that Sunny was my baby. My mother said, "Michelle, he is not your baby". I was very angered by this. However, years later I lost my daughter, and learned she was right. My dog was not my baby. Anastasia Maeve Paradis was my baby.
The pain of losing my dog is nowhere near the pain of losing my daughter. I apparently upset this friend, who must have shared my private message with a mutual friend. This mutual friend posted a scathing rant publicly saying her dog had been her baby, and repeated "baby" over and over again, saying go ahead and delete her if I didn't like it. She then stated she had carried babies within her body, and losing her dog hurt more than losing those babies.
I was dumbfounded. Seriously? I'm not sure what to think of that. Is is possible for someone to have more pain over losing an animal than a child? I just..don't get it. I however don't think she was wanting to be pregnant, and had a miscarriage...I could be wrong, but not sure. I do not feel that losing your pet dog, and losing your child are even in the same stratosphere. For her to suggest they are, and in fact losing a dog was worse was very painful for me. I'm sorry, no matter how much you love your dog, you love your children more. I did not fully understand this until I lost my daughter.
Nothing, not even watching my mother die from cancer was more painful than holding my dead child in my arms.
I am having a rough day. I sent her a private polite message and blocked her. I cannot see those types of posts. It makes me feel like she is invalidating Ana's life. Like her life is not worth more than a dog. I freaking love dogs, and miss mine all the time but it does not equate to a human child...I'm sorry. I just can't see that.
I was able to talk to my sister and a fellow loss Mom friend, and that helped immensely. The advice was to be glad they do not know the pain of losing a child, and their worst day is losing a pet. I am really trying to focus on that...
A friend's dog died recently. She shared a video her son made her about the dog. It was sad and a beautiful tribute. The dog had been sick for a while, but had lived a long healthy life. In her post on facebook, she called the dog her baby. I was triggered by this, as dogs are not babies. I can understand the deep love we have for our pets. I had two dogs I grew up with, and I loved them deeply. I was very saddened by their passing. I remember when we were discussing putting my dog down, and I was sobbing. I said that Sunny was my baby. My mother said, "Michelle, he is not your baby". I was very angered by this. However, years later I lost my daughter, and learned she was right. My dog was not my baby. Anastasia Maeve Paradis was my baby.
The pain of losing my dog is nowhere near the pain of losing my daughter. I apparently upset this friend, who must have shared my private message with a mutual friend. This mutual friend posted a scathing rant publicly saying her dog had been her baby, and repeated "baby" over and over again, saying go ahead and delete her if I didn't like it. She then stated she had carried babies within her body, and losing her dog hurt more than losing those babies.
I was dumbfounded. Seriously? I'm not sure what to think of that. Is is possible for someone to have more pain over losing an animal than a child? I just..don't get it. I however don't think she was wanting to be pregnant, and had a miscarriage...I could be wrong, but not sure. I do not feel that losing your pet dog, and losing your child are even in the same stratosphere. For her to suggest they are, and in fact losing a dog was worse was very painful for me. I'm sorry, no matter how much you love your dog, you love your children more. I did not fully understand this until I lost my daughter.
Nothing, not even watching my mother die from cancer was more painful than holding my dead child in my arms.
I am having a rough day. I sent her a private polite message and blocked her. I cannot see those types of posts. It makes me feel like she is invalidating Ana's life. Like her life is not worth more than a dog. I freaking love dogs, and miss mine all the time but it does not equate to a human child...I'm sorry. I just can't see that.
I was able to talk to my sister and a fellow loss Mom friend, and that helped immensely. The advice was to be glad they do not know the pain of losing a child, and their worst day is losing a pet. I am really trying to focus on that...
Monday, June 27, 2016
Dreams
Hi blog.
So last night I had a dream about my Mom. A real dream, not a nightmare which was nice. Though part of it was sad, but I'll focus on the happy.
I think it really was her coming through. I can usually tell. Visitation dreams aren't scary, feels real and you are usually aware on some level that it is a dream/visit. Usually my dreams of Mom are just nightmares about her death, or having to watch her die again and again. This time I was driving with her in her car. We did this a lot when we talked. We would drive down to the beach and eat ice cream when I was having a hard time. A lot of important/deep conversations happened in the car. So, in the dream we were driving. I was somewhat aware of this being a dream and talking with Mom. I felt short for time, not knowing when the dream would end. I remember asking a few questions but unfortunately I can't remember them all. I asked about Ana. Mom said she was wise, or "an adult". I took this to mean she was very advanced for her age. In the dream I replied "yeah, she has reincarnated more times than I have". I then asked my Mom if I would carry another child in my body. She said yes. I know there was more but I can't remember. Hoping it comes back to me. It was pretty short but real. I think I asked if she hears me, or is with me. I usually ask that. When it's a nightmare she usually says no she doesn't hear me, or isn't aware. I feel she really is with me always and can hear me.
So that was kind of cool. I live for those visits...signs. I miss my Mom so much lately. I miss Ana too, but I guess I feel more resolved with her death, probably because it has been longer. I miss her very, very much and some days the grief over takes me and I feel depressed. Right now, Mom is really on my mind and I just want to talk with her. Ask her things, get her advice.
One of the things I would talk with her about would be adoption. Toby and I have decided to look into it. I have always wanted to adopt anyway, and the anxiety of trying to get pregnant is overwhelming me. We will keep trying but also pursue adoption. I am going to an informational meeting in a few weeks. Some of my other loss mama friends are going too, which is exciting.
Ok..that's all for now.
So last night I had a dream about my Mom. A real dream, not a nightmare which was nice. Though part of it was sad, but I'll focus on the happy.
I think it really was her coming through. I can usually tell. Visitation dreams aren't scary, feels real and you are usually aware on some level that it is a dream/visit. Usually my dreams of Mom are just nightmares about her death, or having to watch her die again and again. This time I was driving with her in her car. We did this a lot when we talked. We would drive down to the beach and eat ice cream when I was having a hard time. A lot of important/deep conversations happened in the car. So, in the dream we were driving. I was somewhat aware of this being a dream and talking with Mom. I felt short for time, not knowing when the dream would end. I remember asking a few questions but unfortunately I can't remember them all. I asked about Ana. Mom said she was wise, or "an adult". I took this to mean she was very advanced for her age. In the dream I replied "yeah, she has reincarnated more times than I have". I then asked my Mom if I would carry another child in my body. She said yes. I know there was more but I can't remember. Hoping it comes back to me. It was pretty short but real. I think I asked if she hears me, or is with me. I usually ask that. When it's a nightmare she usually says no she doesn't hear me, or isn't aware. I feel she really is with me always and can hear me.
So that was kind of cool. I live for those visits...signs. I miss my Mom so much lately. I miss Ana too, but I guess I feel more resolved with her death, probably because it has been longer. I miss her very, very much and some days the grief over takes me and I feel depressed. Right now, Mom is really on my mind and I just want to talk with her. Ask her things, get her advice.
One of the things I would talk with her about would be adoption. Toby and I have decided to look into it. I have always wanted to adopt anyway, and the anxiety of trying to get pregnant is overwhelming me. We will keep trying but also pursue adoption. I am going to an informational meeting in a few weeks. Some of my other loss mama friends are going too, which is exciting.
Ok..that's all for now.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Summer!
Hello blog
I am on summer vacation. It is very strange, having worked every summer since I was 15. I think this summer will be very theraputic. I will have time to refocus on what is important, family and health. I will be able to exercise, read, write. Time for myself. We got the pool open, and I am finding it theraputic to work on it. It's a fair amount of work but once it is clean it will be very nice.
So, we've been trying for another baby for four months now. Just got my period yesterday. I am having odd cycles, short luteal phase (phase after ovulation before period, when egg is fertilized and implants). This means my body is triggering menstruation before it should, thus not giving a potential fertilized egg time to implant. Obviously, this is a problem. I have learned a lot since starting trying to conceive Ana four years ago. Actually, I got pregnant with Ana four years ago this week. If I had gotten pregnant this month, my due date would have been Ana's fourth birthday. So, getting my period was more difficult this month. Next cycle would be Caden's birthday as my due date...another March baby.
So a few weeks ago I went to my primary care doc, because she is awesome and her treatment helped me get pregnant with Caden. Back then my issue was ovulation and too long of cycles (go figure). She also used to be a midwife. When I explained that my luteal phase was short, she looked confused and said luteal phase is ALWAYS 14 days. (Um, no). I explained that I knew when I ovulated, based on tests and other symptoms. She again said no, you ovulate around day 14. Again, not everyone does. I have always ovulated on or around day 21 of my cycle. I have been charting my cycles for four years. I know myself pretty well. Needless her advice was "just have sex on day 12, 14 and 16 and you'll get pregnant". Thanks for nothing. She then looked at Caden and said "you sure you want another?". Well, she's the one who asked about us trying again months ago!
Why do people think it is ok to ask a woman about her reproduction? Some women have trouble trying to get pregnant, others can't and then some women don't want children. It is none of their damn business. We all have dreams of what we want for a family...no one envisions losing a child, not being able to concieve. I wanted three kids. Originally 2 boys and a girl. Then, when I met Toby it switched to two girls and a boy...I even had names picked out by the time we were married. Anastasia, Caden and Willow. I've been right about the first two...pretty sure I have another daughter out there meant to be with us. I have then seen us adopting a fourth child. We'll see. I just want to be "done".Have all my children here with me, though that will never be possible without Ana. I do however want to put pregnancy and birth behind me.
Ok, off to a therapy appointment...
I am on summer vacation. It is very strange, having worked every summer since I was 15. I think this summer will be very theraputic. I will have time to refocus on what is important, family and health. I will be able to exercise, read, write. Time for myself. We got the pool open, and I am finding it theraputic to work on it. It's a fair amount of work but once it is clean it will be very nice.
So, we've been trying for another baby for four months now. Just got my period yesterday. I am having odd cycles, short luteal phase (phase after ovulation before period, when egg is fertilized and implants). This means my body is triggering menstruation before it should, thus not giving a potential fertilized egg time to implant. Obviously, this is a problem. I have learned a lot since starting trying to conceive Ana four years ago. Actually, I got pregnant with Ana four years ago this week. If I had gotten pregnant this month, my due date would have been Ana's fourth birthday. So, getting my period was more difficult this month. Next cycle would be Caden's birthday as my due date...another March baby.
So a few weeks ago I went to my primary care doc, because she is awesome and her treatment helped me get pregnant with Caden. Back then my issue was ovulation and too long of cycles (go figure). She also used to be a midwife. When I explained that my luteal phase was short, she looked confused and said luteal phase is ALWAYS 14 days. (Um, no). I explained that I knew when I ovulated, based on tests and other symptoms. She again said no, you ovulate around day 14. Again, not everyone does. I have always ovulated on or around day 21 of my cycle. I have been charting my cycles for four years. I know myself pretty well. Needless her advice was "just have sex on day 12, 14 and 16 and you'll get pregnant". Thanks for nothing. She then looked at Caden and said "you sure you want another?". Well, she's the one who asked about us trying again months ago!
Why do people think it is ok to ask a woman about her reproduction? Some women have trouble trying to get pregnant, others can't and then some women don't want children. It is none of their damn business. We all have dreams of what we want for a family...no one envisions losing a child, not being able to concieve. I wanted three kids. Originally 2 boys and a girl. Then, when I met Toby it switched to two girls and a boy...I even had names picked out by the time we were married. Anastasia, Caden and Willow. I've been right about the first two...pretty sure I have another daughter out there meant to be with us. I have then seen us adopting a fourth child. We'll see. I just want to be "done".Have all my children here with me, though that will never be possible without Ana. I do however want to put pregnancy and birth behind me.
Ok, off to a therapy appointment...
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Blessings
Want to take the time to focus on a wonderful moment I had with my son yesterday afternoon. We went to play outside with some water and toys. Initially, he was not to thrilled! The grass freaked him out!
Then, he got used to it and we played in the water. He was so happy, splashing around and sitting with Mommy. Then, a group of dragonflies danced around us. Like, 5 or 6 of them just spinning and twirling around us. I felt it was my Mom, and Ana and other special people who have passed on, coming for a visit. I felt this strongly. I felt like my Mom was there, proud of me. Watching me be a mother. I felt all encompassing peace and happiness for the first time in a while. It was short lived, but it was marvelous! I will work consciously to have more of these precious moments. To remember my blessings and celebrate them!
I will forever remember this moment with my son, playing and watching the dragonflies dance.
Then, he got used to it and we played in the water. He was so happy, splashing around and sitting with Mommy. Then, a group of dragonflies danced around us. Like, 5 or 6 of them just spinning and twirling around us. I felt it was my Mom, and Ana and other special people who have passed on, coming for a visit. I felt this strongly. I felt like my Mom was there, proud of me. Watching me be a mother. I felt all encompassing peace and happiness for the first time in a while. It was short lived, but it was marvelous! I will work consciously to have more of these precious moments. To remember my blessings and celebrate them!
I will forever remember this moment with my son, playing and watching the dragonflies dance.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Triggers
Hello blog. Had a pretty good memorial day weekend. It was quiet...first quiet weekend in a long time. It was kind of strange actually to have nothing to do. Took a couple walks which was nice. Had some Mom dreams that were kind of weird. Don't really remember them just that Mom popped in and out. Some of it involved Caden and baby things. I sure do miss Mom. Doing relay for life this friday, that should be fun (and emotional I'm sure).
Trigger this morning. Completely random. There was a picture and article on yahoo about a migrant baby who died...I didn't read it, but sounds like it was a child who fell off a boat trying to come to the US. The picture actually shows the dead baby. Cue PTSD and depression. All it took. I need to be really careful about news stories. They can totally mess up my day and throw me off. I just cannot take it right now. My anxiety about Caden dying is always there, he slept in his bed all night two nights ago, and of course I thought first "he's dead". I'm able to not obsess beyond the initial thought, which is good! but, it is still an automatic thought frequently. I wonder if that will ever change, or will I always have to deal with this? I've always had anxiety. I am actually meeting with a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week, per recommendation from my therapist. I am interested in clarifying my diagnosis and re-evaluating medication. In the past I've been treated for depression/anxiety, but I really think it is more OCD/anxiety at this point. Due to the intrusive/obsessional thoughts. We'll see. I'm not wanting to go on a bunch of med trials...did that in high school and it was terrible. But, If I can actually get an accurate portrait of what I am dealing with, that would be a great first step.
I believe the grief I am experiencing is normal. However, couple that with OCD and anxiety (as well as postpartum), it gets difficult to manage. I'll let you know how that goes.
Back to work. 11 more days of school...I can do it!
Trigger this morning. Completely random. There was a picture and article on yahoo about a migrant baby who died...I didn't read it, but sounds like it was a child who fell off a boat trying to come to the US. The picture actually shows the dead baby. Cue PTSD and depression. All it took. I need to be really careful about news stories. They can totally mess up my day and throw me off. I just cannot take it right now. My anxiety about Caden dying is always there, he slept in his bed all night two nights ago, and of course I thought first "he's dead". I'm able to not obsess beyond the initial thought, which is good! but, it is still an automatic thought frequently. I wonder if that will ever change, or will I always have to deal with this? I've always had anxiety. I am actually meeting with a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week, per recommendation from my therapist. I am interested in clarifying my diagnosis and re-evaluating medication. In the past I've been treated for depression/anxiety, but I really think it is more OCD/anxiety at this point. Due to the intrusive/obsessional thoughts. We'll see. I'm not wanting to go on a bunch of med trials...did that in high school and it was terrible. But, If I can actually get an accurate portrait of what I am dealing with, that would be a great first step.
I believe the grief I am experiencing is normal. However, couple that with OCD and anxiety (as well as postpartum), it gets difficult to manage. I'll let you know how that goes.
Back to work. 11 more days of school...I can do it!
Friday, May 27, 2016
Little helper
So, went to see Maureen Hancock last night, for the 3rd time. Wish I could find a place where I wrote exactly what she said the first time we saw her. It was amazing. The first time we saw her was 2013, about six months after she passed. She came in right at the end, with a teenage girl named Ashley who passed from a brain aneurism. I have since connected on FB with Ashley's Mom and we keep in touch. Ashley's Mom said Ashley always wanted to be a Mom, and was good with babies.
That first time Maureen got her name, said A-N-A. Then got that she died shortly before birth. Then said butterfly tattoo, she's with us always. I think there was more, but I can't remember. It was quick but powerful.
The second time, Ana didn't come through but Ashley did, and she brought another baby through! It was amazing...and very similar to our story, parents had a stillborn baby, had a tattoo of a butterfly! It was so cool. Again, Ashley came in last and brought a baby. It was super neat.
This time, Ashley's Mom couldn't come but other kid spirits came through. A few three year old boys, which I found interesting as Ana would be three. Plus, we were in the same section (there were at least 300 people there). Then, towards the end she said "who lost a daughter? A baby". We raised our hands. "At birth? Full term?". Yes. She came a bit closer and was reading another Mom with one of the three year olds. She then said "who lost twins?" I raised my hand, as one of my friends/coworkers lost twin boys last year. I also have another friend who lost a boy and girl twins. Maureen asked about the twins footprints, in a tattoo. The Mom has the boys foot prints on her arm. :) It was awesome. Short and sweet, but needed! Now Ana is the one helping other kids come through. Totally amazing! Proud of my girl. She always sneaks in. She is a powerful energy, but I know too that she wants to make sure others get a chance. I was a little sad that my Mom didn't come through, but I know that my friend needed to hear from her boys, and Ana and Mom made that happen.
Ok, back to work! Love my little angel girl!
That first time Maureen got her name, said A-N-A. Then got that she died shortly before birth. Then said butterfly tattoo, she's with us always. I think there was more, but I can't remember. It was quick but powerful.
The second time, Ana didn't come through but Ashley did, and she brought another baby through! It was amazing...and very similar to our story, parents had a stillborn baby, had a tattoo of a butterfly! It was so cool. Again, Ashley came in last and brought a baby. It was super neat.
This time, Ashley's Mom couldn't come but other kid spirits came through. A few three year old boys, which I found interesting as Ana would be three. Plus, we were in the same section (there were at least 300 people there). Then, towards the end she said "who lost a daughter? A baby". We raised our hands. "At birth? Full term?". Yes. She came a bit closer and was reading another Mom with one of the three year olds. She then said "who lost twins?" I raised my hand, as one of my friends/coworkers lost twin boys last year. I also have another friend who lost a boy and girl twins. Maureen asked about the twins footprints, in a tattoo. The Mom has the boys foot prints on her arm. :) It was awesome. Short and sweet, but needed! Now Ana is the one helping other kids come through. Totally amazing! Proud of my girl. She always sneaks in. She is a powerful energy, but I know too that she wants to make sure others get a chance. I was a little sad that my Mom didn't come through, but I know that my friend needed to hear from her boys, and Ana and Mom made that happen.
Ok, back to work! Love my little angel girl!
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Messages...
Going through old Facebook messages and wanted to write these down so I don't forget!! These are from friends....
"I had a dream this morning with you and Tobin in a field filled with beautiful flowers and butterflies flying all around. That's really all I remember"
"I had the strangest dream...my son Ryan was pushing your little Anastasia in a swing...it was a bed swing hanging from the most beautiful tree I have ever seen with white netting all around it and little lights holding the netting in the right places maybe they were fairies not sure. There were yellow flowers on the tree but not a flower I could identify. She was happy your little one and my son was happy and smiling as if to say i am taking care of her."
"I feel that your daughter is all around you...almost like buzzing like a bee is what I am getting. She's smiling!"
Seeing Maureen Hancock tonight. I was trying to find where I wrote down what she said last time. Couldn't find it...hmm.
"I had a dream this morning with you and Tobin in a field filled with beautiful flowers and butterflies flying all around. That's really all I remember"
"I had the strangest dream...my son Ryan was pushing your little Anastasia in a swing...it was a bed swing hanging from the most beautiful tree I have ever seen with white netting all around it and little lights holding the netting in the right places maybe they were fairies not sure. There were yellow flowers on the tree but not a flower I could identify. She was happy your little one and my son was happy and smiling as if to say i am taking care of her."
"I feel that your daughter is all around you...almost like buzzing like a bee is what I am getting. She's smiling!"
Seeing Maureen Hancock tonight. I was trying to find where I wrote down what she said last time. Couldn't find it...hmm.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
31.
Today I am 31. Never thought my life would look like this. I sometimes still think I am 27. I was 27 when I lost Ana. Like I legitimately think I am 27 or 28 when asked, then I have to add. Last few years have been odd, but also filled with blessings. I had my son at 29. I hope 31 is a good year... I can't believe I am that old. Most days I still feel 20.
The move..... made it. Wasn't sure there for a while. This weekend we did the last push to clean the apartment. It was not easy. More work than anticipated, a cranky baby and emotional. We took down the 100 acre wood map, and it tore a little and folded in on itself. I lost it, sobbed. Had to leave the room. Toby was able to fix it and save it, which was nice. It was just a culmination of everything...leaving the place we became a family, missing Ana and my Mom. Fear of change and the unknown. So, made it through that day. Then the next day we took the other decal down, that isn't reusable. I actually did OK with that, knowing we couldn't save it. Toby was able to save part of the butterfly. I did lose it trying to clean the kitchen...Caden was screaming and I was so overwhelmed. I yelled at him. I felt terrible. I left and went for a walk and Toby took over. It was just so overwhelming, I hit my wall. To much to manage. But, we made it. It's done. We now just have one house. Its a nice house and we're settling in. Doesn't quite feel like home yet, but it's getting there.
Mothers day brunch.... for empty arms. Went well, and fun. Made birdhouses for the babies. I hung mine on our front bush. I put a little fairy on it. Had nice conversations with other Moms who "got it". Got to talk with a fellow loss Mom who just had her rainbow, he is 5 weeks old. Her angel daughter died in April last year at 40 weeks due to an issue with her cord. It was nice to talk to another Mom with a young one, talk about the intense conflicting emotions of missing our children while holding our blessings. Next event is fathers day planting at the memorial, and we'll be doing a butterfly release. That will be nice!
Trying again.... so we've been trying for three months for another baby. I've had two very odd cycles, that were short. Like, got my period three days earlier than expected. That's not good. I'm seeing my doc Thursday. It's given me a lot of anxiety, I jump to conclusions that I will need help conceiving and it will be really difficult. I need to calm the hell down. :(
Ok, that's it for now. Counseling tonight. It will be nice to process this stuff with her.
The move..... made it. Wasn't sure there for a while. This weekend we did the last push to clean the apartment. It was not easy. More work than anticipated, a cranky baby and emotional. We took down the 100 acre wood map, and it tore a little and folded in on itself. I lost it, sobbed. Had to leave the room. Toby was able to fix it and save it, which was nice. It was just a culmination of everything...leaving the place we became a family, missing Ana and my Mom. Fear of change and the unknown. So, made it through that day. Then the next day we took the other decal down, that isn't reusable. I actually did OK with that, knowing we couldn't save it. Toby was able to save part of the butterfly. I did lose it trying to clean the kitchen...Caden was screaming and I was so overwhelmed. I yelled at him. I felt terrible. I left and went for a walk and Toby took over. It was just so overwhelming, I hit my wall. To much to manage. But, we made it. It's done. We now just have one house. Its a nice house and we're settling in. Doesn't quite feel like home yet, but it's getting there.
Mothers day brunch.... for empty arms. Went well, and fun. Made birdhouses for the babies. I hung mine on our front bush. I put a little fairy on it. Had nice conversations with other Moms who "got it". Got to talk with a fellow loss Mom who just had her rainbow, he is 5 weeks old. Her angel daughter died in April last year at 40 weeks due to an issue with her cord. It was nice to talk to another Mom with a young one, talk about the intense conflicting emotions of missing our children while holding our blessings. Next event is fathers day planting at the memorial, and we'll be doing a butterfly release. That will be nice!
Trying again.... so we've been trying for three months for another baby. I've had two very odd cycles, that were short. Like, got my period three days earlier than expected. That's not good. I'm seeing my doc Thursday. It's given me a lot of anxiety, I jump to conclusions that I will need help conceiving and it will be really difficult. I need to calm the hell down. :(
Ok, that's it for now. Counseling tonight. It will be nice to process this stuff with her.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Therapy
Hello again.
It has been a very long week. With the move, sore back, therapy and doctor appointments it has been crazy. Work is very busy. I had a bunch of kids added to my case load which has not been helping the stress level. Running after kids, being hit/scratched...sure makes for a long day! I do love my job though, it can just be really intense. Had a kiddo and her Mom MIA for a while, which really worried me. Luckily we found them and they were OK.
Therapy has been intense lately. I think my therapist things all my issues are grief related. Any anxiety stems back to my grief. I'm not entirely sure about that, but maybe. She pushes me to move forward, not get stuck. I go back and forth between understanding the need to do so, and resisting/disagreeing with her. She is worried I am focused on physical things of Anas. I don't really see a problem with that. She is worried about Caden and how we focus on Ana with him. I don't really see issue with that either, at least right now. I also don't like how she uses the term moving on, she understands that I will never forget Ana but she seems to want me to kind of "down play" Ana I guess? Hard to describe. I think it's hard for her to put herself in my place, having never lost a child. She did tear up when she was telling me that Ana never knew fear, was always loved and cradled. Made me cry too. It's hard work, grief. I know I have stuffed some of it. I know I am still bitter, and want others to remember my pain. I guess it comes from wanting others to remember my daughter, but also realizing how hard it has been. I need that support and acknowledgment. Acknowledgement is important. Acknowledging her existence, and my pain.
Ok, that's all for right now, back to busy busy work. Hoping to enjoy some outside time this weekend.
It has been a very long week. With the move, sore back, therapy and doctor appointments it has been crazy. Work is very busy. I had a bunch of kids added to my case load which has not been helping the stress level. Running after kids, being hit/scratched...sure makes for a long day! I do love my job though, it can just be really intense. Had a kiddo and her Mom MIA for a while, which really worried me. Luckily we found them and they were OK.
Therapy has been intense lately. I think my therapist things all my issues are grief related. Any anxiety stems back to my grief. I'm not entirely sure about that, but maybe. She pushes me to move forward, not get stuck. I go back and forth between understanding the need to do so, and resisting/disagreeing with her. She is worried I am focused on physical things of Anas. I don't really see a problem with that. She is worried about Caden and how we focus on Ana with him. I don't really see issue with that either, at least right now. I also don't like how she uses the term moving on, she understands that I will never forget Ana but she seems to want me to kind of "down play" Ana I guess? Hard to describe. I think it's hard for her to put herself in my place, having never lost a child. She did tear up when she was telling me that Ana never knew fear, was always loved and cradled. Made me cry too. It's hard work, grief. I know I have stuffed some of it. I know I am still bitter, and want others to remember my pain. I guess it comes from wanting others to remember my daughter, but also realizing how hard it has been. I need that support and acknowledgment. Acknowledgement is important. Acknowledging her existence, and my pain.
Ok, that's all for right now, back to busy busy work. Hoping to enjoy some outside time this weekend.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Moving
ok, so we did it! Saturday we moved all our stuff over. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I do feel though that I am going to have a breakdown, or at least a good cry about it soon. I'm just to tried and busy to think about it right now. That first night at the new house, I felt sad. Missed the comfort of home, and our routine. I set up Ana's new area. It's not quite the same, need to find new spots for things. I also moved my Mom's ashes...how awkward haha. I just want to hear her voice, get her advice. The move is making me miss my Mom more. I wish she could see our new place. She'd be happy, and proud of me. My Dad came up to help which was nice. I miss him too....hopefully will see more of him this summer.
Next task is cleaning the old place, and taking down the pooh decal. It will be hard but I think that moving slowly has been helpful. Small steps. Moved her box, and I kept having flashes of having a fire at the new house and it burning. That would be so terrible. I am still having flashes/intrusive thoughts about Caden dying as well. Happens more when I am stressed. I'm scared the TV/bookcase/pictures will fall on him, and he'll die. He cut his ankle on some glass last night, he is fine and I actually did ok. There is also a pool at the house. It's gated and actually hard for an adult to get in (gate sticks) but of course I still worry about him drowning. It's terrible. I wonder if I will have to deal with this the rest of my life? Maybe the anxiety will ease in time. I have therapy tomorrow, so it will be good to process.
It's been hard to do this alone. My husband and I work different schedules, so he is home when I work and then he works weekends. We never have a day off together, and it's starting to wear on me. Especially with the move, having to do it in small bits alone with the baby. Wew. I am tired. I hope he can have a day off soon. That would be nice. I really wished he was home yesterday, so we could settle in the new house together. But, I only have 4 1/2 weeks left of school. Then we will have a lot of time together, and I really think that will help my mental health. I also need to get more active, and make better food choices. I've been having stomach issues, I'm sure stress doesn't help.
I keep having nightmares. Last night in my dream my friend lost twin boys. She was walking them in a stroller, and they were hit by a car. The babies had been born early, and needed help, but they were doing well. I think the theme of the dream was that bad things happen, for no reason. The twins had made it through being born early, and then were hit by a car. Life isn't fair.
Alright, back to work.
Next task is cleaning the old place, and taking down the pooh decal. It will be hard but I think that moving slowly has been helpful. Small steps. Moved her box, and I kept having flashes of having a fire at the new house and it burning. That would be so terrible. I am still having flashes/intrusive thoughts about Caden dying as well. Happens more when I am stressed. I'm scared the TV/bookcase/pictures will fall on him, and he'll die. He cut his ankle on some glass last night, he is fine and I actually did ok. There is also a pool at the house. It's gated and actually hard for an adult to get in (gate sticks) but of course I still worry about him drowning. It's terrible. I wonder if I will have to deal with this the rest of my life? Maybe the anxiety will ease in time. I have therapy tomorrow, so it will be good to process.
It's been hard to do this alone. My husband and I work different schedules, so he is home when I work and then he works weekends. We never have a day off together, and it's starting to wear on me. Especially with the move, having to do it in small bits alone with the baby. Wew. I am tired. I hope he can have a day off soon. That would be nice. I really wished he was home yesterday, so we could settle in the new house together. But, I only have 4 1/2 weeks left of school. Then we will have a lot of time together, and I really think that will help my mental health. I also need to get more active, and make better food choices. I've been having stomach issues, I'm sure stress doesn't help.
I keep having nightmares. Last night in my dream my friend lost twin boys. She was walking them in a stroller, and they were hit by a car. The babies had been born early, and needed help, but they were doing well. I think the theme of the dream was that bad things happen, for no reason. The twins had made it through being born early, and then were hit by a car. Life isn't fair.
Alright, back to work.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Final push
This Saturday will be the final push in the move. We'll be sleeping at our new home this weekend. I'm handling it ok so far. Not really much time to think about it, we're so busy.
Work is insane...meetings, kids decompensating. Multiple calls to DHHS this week, and they aren't doing anything. Kids have no running water? Electricity? Heat? Have to go to the bathroom outside? Ok. That's fine. Been more emotional lately I think because of the hard stuff these kids are going through. It's hard to leave it at work.
Caden is doing well, growing all the time. It's crazy. He is looking like a toddler and not a baby anymore. Soon he will be talking and walking. I got some gifts from my grandmother, a few of them butterfly themed :) Very special. My birth father also sent me his baby blanket and spoon/fork.
My friend's baby is having heart surgery soon. Scary stuff. I had a nightmare about it the other day. He was clawing his face off, it was terrible. No dreams about Ana lately, or pregnancy loss which is nice. Mom always pops up at least twice a week. Packing up the last few things...Ana's last picture Ive kept out, my Moms ashes... so strange. I think it will probably all hit me after we move. I cannot wait for the summer, time off to reflect, heal and work on me. This job is very stressful, and I believe I have put my grief on the back burner. My therapist thinks so too. When I am so busy, I am not as depressed and thinking about death. My anxiety is better. BUT, I also think that I am not dealing with it. I need to address those feelings and let them go.
Mothers day was OK. Busy moving and painting. Then went to dinner with my husband, son and my in-laws. It was nice. I was pretty distracted. Definitely thought of my Mom and Ana.
This is the last opportunity to get pregnant while in this house...for whatever reason that seems important to me. I know it really doesn't matter, but I thought it would be cool to have gotten pregnant with all my kids in the same place. Kind of like a full circle. I got pregnant a month after moving in, then got pregnant with Caden here as well. I think this next pregnancy will be my last. It is very stressful being pregnant after loss. If we want more kids we'd probably pursue adoption. We'll see. It would be special too I suppose to get pregnant at the new house, new beginnings...
Alright, back to work. Just my random thoughts for the day.
Work is insane...meetings, kids decompensating. Multiple calls to DHHS this week, and they aren't doing anything. Kids have no running water? Electricity? Heat? Have to go to the bathroom outside? Ok. That's fine. Been more emotional lately I think because of the hard stuff these kids are going through. It's hard to leave it at work.
Caden is doing well, growing all the time. It's crazy. He is looking like a toddler and not a baby anymore. Soon he will be talking and walking. I got some gifts from my grandmother, a few of them butterfly themed :) Very special. My birth father also sent me his baby blanket and spoon/fork.
My friend's baby is having heart surgery soon. Scary stuff. I had a nightmare about it the other day. He was clawing his face off, it was terrible. No dreams about Ana lately, or pregnancy loss which is nice. Mom always pops up at least twice a week. Packing up the last few things...Ana's last picture Ive kept out, my Moms ashes... so strange. I think it will probably all hit me after we move. I cannot wait for the summer, time off to reflect, heal and work on me. This job is very stressful, and I believe I have put my grief on the back burner. My therapist thinks so too. When I am so busy, I am not as depressed and thinking about death. My anxiety is better. BUT, I also think that I am not dealing with it. I need to address those feelings and let them go.
Mothers day was OK. Busy moving and painting. Then went to dinner with my husband, son and my in-laws. It was nice. I was pretty distracted. Definitely thought of my Mom and Ana.
This is the last opportunity to get pregnant while in this house...for whatever reason that seems important to me. I know it really doesn't matter, but I thought it would be cool to have gotten pregnant with all my kids in the same place. Kind of like a full circle. I got pregnant a month after moving in, then got pregnant with Caden here as well. I think this next pregnancy will be my last. It is very stressful being pregnant after loss. If we want more kids we'd probably pursue adoption. We'll see. It would be special too I suppose to get pregnant at the new house, new beginnings...
Alright, back to work. Just my random thoughts for the day.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Thoughts
Hello blog. More blog therapy time!
I had a recent nightmare that I lost another child, and that I was "destined" to have lost 2 children. In the dream I really believed this, and when I woke up it took a little while to shake it off. I really don't know if I could live through another loss. I try not to think about it, as the likelihood of it happening again are extremely slim. Meh. I think I will always struggle with that worry. The other day a picture frame fell over on Caden, and the glass shattered everywhere. He was unharmed, amazingly. Of course made me worry about how he could have been seriously hurt. I hate anxiety.
Therapy again today. We'll see how that goes. Last week was kind of intense. I had a negative thought last night. My stomach was upset and my back hurt. I was thinking of all the stress of moving. I thought briefly, why bother? Why live this life with constant pain, annoyances and grief? It was just brief. Of course there are very happy moments in my life, but when I am in that dark place it can be difficult to see it. I do not want to die, I am not at risk. I could not do that to my son or husband. I just wish the pain would go away. Maybe it's because it's may and we're moving I am having such a hard time. This spring has sucked! Lots of triggers. I need to snap out of it. I feel this underlying feeling that I shouldn't be struggling so much. It's been three years. should I be so easily triggered? I guess it stems from what I assume other people are thinking. I worry they think I am stuck, or focus to much on my daughter... should that matter? no. I think about it a lot though. I think it goes deeper than just the loss of Ana...my whole life is different. This is not the life I imagined. It's such much harder than anticipated! I guess once you feel that pain of losing a child, your view of the world changes. I think overall, it is simply that fact that is making it so hard for me to be joyful again.
I am just rambling. It's hard to put these feelings into words. It really has gotten easier since that first year, I just think I am in a rut. I think trying to get pregnant again is bringing up fear. Work is very busy, last chunk of the school year and there are a lot of meetings. Kids are worn out and acting up. Teachers are fried and crispy with the kids. I am looking forward to time off, and time to focus on me. Healing. Gardening, sunlight, the ocean, swimming, writing...will do me good. Time with my precious boy, showing him the wonders of the world. He says goodnight to Ana and my Mom with my husband. It's sweet He giggles at my mom's picture, and actually waved to Ana last night on his own. It was cute.
Mother's day is this coming weekend. Hadn't really thought about it. We're i the process of moving and Toby works Sunday. Maybe we'll grab dinner though. I love my two children so much. I want to talk about them, brag... only one you can see, the other lives in my heart..
I had a recent nightmare that I lost another child, and that I was "destined" to have lost 2 children. In the dream I really believed this, and when I woke up it took a little while to shake it off. I really don't know if I could live through another loss. I try not to think about it, as the likelihood of it happening again are extremely slim. Meh. I think I will always struggle with that worry. The other day a picture frame fell over on Caden, and the glass shattered everywhere. He was unharmed, amazingly. Of course made me worry about how he could have been seriously hurt. I hate anxiety.
Therapy again today. We'll see how that goes. Last week was kind of intense. I had a negative thought last night. My stomach was upset and my back hurt. I was thinking of all the stress of moving. I thought briefly, why bother? Why live this life with constant pain, annoyances and grief? It was just brief. Of course there are very happy moments in my life, but when I am in that dark place it can be difficult to see it. I do not want to die, I am not at risk. I could not do that to my son or husband. I just wish the pain would go away. Maybe it's because it's may and we're moving I am having such a hard time. This spring has sucked! Lots of triggers. I need to snap out of it. I feel this underlying feeling that I shouldn't be struggling so much. It's been three years. should I be so easily triggered? I guess it stems from what I assume other people are thinking. I worry they think I am stuck, or focus to much on my daughter... should that matter? no. I think about it a lot though. I think it goes deeper than just the loss of Ana...my whole life is different. This is not the life I imagined. It's such much harder than anticipated! I guess once you feel that pain of losing a child, your view of the world changes. I think overall, it is simply that fact that is making it so hard for me to be joyful again.
I am just rambling. It's hard to put these feelings into words. It really has gotten easier since that first year, I just think I am in a rut. I think trying to get pregnant again is bringing up fear. Work is very busy, last chunk of the school year and there are a lot of meetings. Kids are worn out and acting up. Teachers are fried and crispy with the kids. I am looking forward to time off, and time to focus on me. Healing. Gardening, sunlight, the ocean, swimming, writing...will do me good. Time with my precious boy, showing him the wonders of the world. He says goodnight to Ana and my Mom with my husband. It's sweet He giggles at my mom's picture, and actually waved to Ana last night on his own. It was cute.
Mother's day is this coming weekend. Hadn't really thought about it. We're i the process of moving and Toby works Sunday. Maybe we'll grab dinner though. I love my two children so much. I want to talk about them, brag... only one you can see, the other lives in my heart..
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Struggles
Another one of those times where there is down time at work and I am struggling. Not really sure what's wrong with me. I am tired. I want my Mom, and my daughter. I had an interesting therapy session last night. I really like my counselor, she challenges me. However, I do think it is hard to be a counselor to someone who has lost a child without having lost a child yourself. she has always been empathetic, but I feel she pushes me to much sometimes.
She spoke with me about the move, and Ana's things. She wants to me understand that I don't need physical reminders of Ana to honor her. That if I change things, it won't dishonor her. I know that, but I also don't think there is a problem with having things of Ana's around. I think she was mostly concerned with my viewing Caden's room as "Ana and Caden's room". We are keeping the winnie the pooh theme, and I have had Ana's cross stitch up in "his/their room". She is worried that I will not be able to handle it when Caden says one day he doesn't want anything of Ana's...or accidentally breaks something of hers. I do see what she is saying. Caden is his own entity, apart from his sister. However I do see them as connected, a powerful storm and rainbow. A psychic told me they were twins in a previous life, which I believe. I understand one day he will want a big boy room, and he will not always have a picture of Ana, or his "rainbow baby" things on display. It was just a lot to think of at once. I think the hardest part is that Caden does not have a relationship with Ana. All she will be to him is a story. That will be difficult to manage as he gets older. These things are things I will need to deal with. However I feel like I can't right now. He is still a baby. I don't really see a problem with putting a few reminders of his guardian angel big sister in his room.
Living without your child is hard. Moving on without them is hard. Balancing your love for your living child, while preserving your dead child's memory is hard. I wish child death wasn't taboo and hard for people to talk about.
My therapist made an interesting comment. She said she wanted me, and my husband and son to feel "whole". Like, the three of us were a whole. I believe my son will feel like he is whole, that his family is a complete unit. I will never feel that way. I will be happy, but I will never feel complete. My daughter will always be missing, and I think that is one piece that someone who has not lost a child cannot understand. My family pictures will never be whole because Ana is missing. I really don't think that feeling will ever change. Is that wrong? I don't know. I get angry when people challenge me with my grief, I think because I feel they are saying I should be over it, or further along anyway. I believe there is no right or wrong way to manage your grief. If you are hurting yourself or others, obviously that is unhealthy. I think people who have not lost a child get "weirded out" when you celebrate a dead baby's birthday, or put up pictures of your dead baby, or cry about your dead baby three years later. Like, you should just get on with it, be happy you have a living child and leave your dead child in the past.
Meh. When it comes down to it, I am looking for validation. Someone to say, "wow, you get up every day and go to work?" "you are still alive and have a smile on your face most of the time?". I want people to realize how hard those simple things can be. To live. To get up everyday, without your child and live. It's very hard and I want that to be recognized.
I should go back to work. Feels good to get some of this out.
She spoke with me about the move, and Ana's things. She wants to me understand that I don't need physical reminders of Ana to honor her. That if I change things, it won't dishonor her. I know that, but I also don't think there is a problem with having things of Ana's around. I think she was mostly concerned with my viewing Caden's room as "Ana and Caden's room". We are keeping the winnie the pooh theme, and I have had Ana's cross stitch up in "his/their room". She is worried that I will not be able to handle it when Caden says one day he doesn't want anything of Ana's...or accidentally breaks something of hers. I do see what she is saying. Caden is his own entity, apart from his sister. However I do see them as connected, a powerful storm and rainbow. A psychic told me they were twins in a previous life, which I believe. I understand one day he will want a big boy room, and he will not always have a picture of Ana, or his "rainbow baby" things on display. It was just a lot to think of at once. I think the hardest part is that Caden does not have a relationship with Ana. All she will be to him is a story. That will be difficult to manage as he gets older. These things are things I will need to deal with. However I feel like I can't right now. He is still a baby. I don't really see a problem with putting a few reminders of his guardian angel big sister in his room.
Living without your child is hard. Moving on without them is hard. Balancing your love for your living child, while preserving your dead child's memory is hard. I wish child death wasn't taboo and hard for people to talk about.
My therapist made an interesting comment. She said she wanted me, and my husband and son to feel "whole". Like, the three of us were a whole. I believe my son will feel like he is whole, that his family is a complete unit. I will never feel that way. I will be happy, but I will never feel complete. My daughter will always be missing, and I think that is one piece that someone who has not lost a child cannot understand. My family pictures will never be whole because Ana is missing. I really don't think that feeling will ever change. Is that wrong? I don't know. I get angry when people challenge me with my grief, I think because I feel they are saying I should be over it, or further along anyway. I believe there is no right or wrong way to manage your grief. If you are hurting yourself or others, obviously that is unhealthy. I think people who have not lost a child get "weirded out" when you celebrate a dead baby's birthday, or put up pictures of your dead baby, or cry about your dead baby three years later. Like, you should just get on with it, be happy you have a living child and leave your dead child in the past.
Meh. When it comes down to it, I am looking for validation. Someone to say, "wow, you get up every day and go to work?" "you are still alive and have a smile on your face most of the time?". I want people to realize how hard those simple things can be. To live. To get up everyday, without your child and live. It's very hard and I want that to be recognized.
I should go back to work. Feels good to get some of this out.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Bored.
Hi blog. I have noticed that days where I work at the high school are more difficult. It's quieter, the days seem to go slower and I am not close with the coworkers here. Makes for a long day. When it's quiet, my thoughts get going. This isn't healthy for me as it usually brings up negative thoughts/memories. I went to our loss group last week, and there was a new Mom who had lost her 9.5 mo old son. It was really difficult to hear. I might need to take a step back, as it brings loss and grief to the forefront of my mind. My therapist suggested it as well, but I got a little defensive as the group has been a big help for me. I need to be careful though to not surround myself with those fresh in their grief, as it makes me sad.
We've started moving stuff. My husband had his first emotional moment, thinking about the nursery. We looked at the new house and Caden's room will definitely need another coat of paint, so I am hoping that will help with the transition. We also have a winnie the pooh border to put up. I will still think of it as Ana and Caden's room. We already put one of her butterflies in the front garden.
I'm tired. Sure has been a lot of stress and change lately. Went home to Kennebunk this past weekend. It's always nice to see my family, but does make me miss my Mom. Things would be so much better if she were here. She was the head of the family, the planner. I miss that. It makes me very sad that she doesn't know Caden, but happy that she is with Ana.
I guess I should do some work. One foot in front of the other...
We've started moving stuff. My husband had his first emotional moment, thinking about the nursery. We looked at the new house and Caden's room will definitely need another coat of paint, so I am hoping that will help with the transition. We also have a winnie the pooh border to put up. I will still think of it as Ana and Caden's room. We already put one of her butterflies in the front garden.
I'm tired. Sure has been a lot of stress and change lately. Went home to Kennebunk this past weekend. It's always nice to see my family, but does make me miss my Mom. Things would be so much better if she were here. She was the head of the family, the planner. I miss that. It makes me very sad that she doesn't know Caden, but happy that she is with Ana.
I guess I should do some work. One foot in front of the other...
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Blog therapy
In need of some blogging therapy. Been an interesting few days. I got my period, days earlier than expected. This was our second month trying and once again, I was hopeful. Not sure how not to be...how to not get disappointed when I don't get pregnant. I think having lost Ana, and then taking a year and a half to get pregnant again was hard on me, changed the way I think.
I need to relax. I know I can get pregnant again, it will just take a little time. Other stuff is going on that I think is making this more difficult. We're moving in 2 weeks. I have begun the task of packing Ana's things. Her pictures around the house, the nursery. I've gotten everything except one picture, her cross stitch and the wall decal done. For years I have worried about having to take down that decal. I don't really know why it is so hard. It was the finishing touch on her room. Its become sort of a symbol of her. My sister's tattoo looks a lot like it. Her winnie the pooh room. I put a lot of thought into it. I'm not sure I can actually take it down. Toby might have too. He put it up three years ago, and he'll take it down.
so...there is that stress. Also, my friends little boy that she just adopted is having health issues. It's really scary. Reminds me of how precious life is. That's enough stress to make someone a little crazy I suppose :) Plus mundane stuff, such as packing, cleaning, money. Missing my Mom too.
Nighmares... keep having nightmares that Mom has brain cancer and it was changing her personality. I had a real bad one a few nights ago about going to visit Ana. In my dream world, you were allowed to visit your dead family a year after they died. They were unburied and you could see them. So, we saw Ana and got to carry her around. Ana looked the same as the day I left her, and I wondered how that was possible. I put her in her carrier and we carried her around. I think I snuggled with her on my bed. Then, we had to bring her back. I brought her back to the funeral home and had a hard time saying goodbye (obviously). I kept going back to kiss her and the funeral director lady was getting frustrated with me. I had another nightmare recently that I went to see another OB, because I was pregnant. But, I was sharing my history with the new OB (who was a bitch) and mentioned I had a 12 week miscarriage. I know it was just dream, but it scared me.
Meh. I hope I start to feel more positive over the next few days. I am looking forward to moving. More space. One of the first things I will do is set up "Ana's space". I will also pick a spot for a garden outside for her. Ana's garden :)
I need to relax. I know I can get pregnant again, it will just take a little time. Other stuff is going on that I think is making this more difficult. We're moving in 2 weeks. I have begun the task of packing Ana's things. Her pictures around the house, the nursery. I've gotten everything except one picture, her cross stitch and the wall decal done. For years I have worried about having to take down that decal. I don't really know why it is so hard. It was the finishing touch on her room. Its become sort of a symbol of her. My sister's tattoo looks a lot like it. Her winnie the pooh room. I put a lot of thought into it. I'm not sure I can actually take it down. Toby might have too. He put it up three years ago, and he'll take it down.
so...there is that stress. Also, my friends little boy that she just adopted is having health issues. It's really scary. Reminds me of how precious life is. That's enough stress to make someone a little crazy I suppose :) Plus mundane stuff, such as packing, cleaning, money. Missing my Mom too.
Nighmares... keep having nightmares that Mom has brain cancer and it was changing her personality. I had a real bad one a few nights ago about going to visit Ana. In my dream world, you were allowed to visit your dead family a year after they died. They were unburied and you could see them. So, we saw Ana and got to carry her around. Ana looked the same as the day I left her, and I wondered how that was possible. I put her in her carrier and we carried her around. I think I snuggled with her on my bed. Then, we had to bring her back. I brought her back to the funeral home and had a hard time saying goodbye (obviously). I kept going back to kiss her and the funeral director lady was getting frustrated with me. I had another nightmare recently that I went to see another OB, because I was pregnant. But, I was sharing my history with the new OB (who was a bitch) and mentioned I had a 12 week miscarriage. I know it was just dream, but it scared me.
Meh. I hope I start to feel more positive over the next few days. I am looking forward to moving. More space. One of the first things I will do is set up "Ana's space". I will also pick a spot for a garden outside for her. Ana's garden :)
Monday, April 18, 2016
Visit
I brought my son to visit his sister. He's been there before but usually asleep. We played in the grass, touched the stone and played with her butterfly.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Health
I should blog more. I've always enjoyed writing and journaling, and with Caden it is difficult to find time to put pen to paper. However I have down time at work and could get some stuff out. I've always dealt with anxiety/depression, and my life the past three years hasn't been easy. Some days I just feel overwhelmed and sad. I miss my mother. It's stressful times that I miss her the most. I just want to hear her voice, get her advice. I trusted her 100%. I want her to know Caden. She would have been an awesome grandmother. I want her to be there for Sam and my Dad. She missed out on so much and it is not fair. I worry that if I have another loss, I won't make it without my Mom. Like I said, I've always been anxious but since losing Ana it's been amped up.
I worry about Caden dying all the time. I worry he'll die from SIDS at night or in his car seat. I worry about car accidents, and falls. it's a daily thing. Sometimes it's really obsessive irrational worry. I have to work hard to keep my head on straight. Caden hasn't been the easiest either. He has asthma, and has been hospitalized three times in his first year. That's hard on any mama, but a loss mama it's harder.
I worry people are forgetting Ana. Or don't care about her. I think of her every day. I had a difficult time with her third birthday last month. I guess I know now how much I am missing out. How she'd no longer be a baby...that she is forever stuck as a newborn in my mind, as I watch her little brother grow. It sucks.
We have some positive things coming...like we are moving to a much bigger place, with four bedrooms, a pool and huge deck. We will have room for more children if we are lucky enough to get pregnant. I'm terrified of losing another child. It just sucks..there is no other way to describe it.
My friend who is adopting a baby, he isn't doing well. He is having some heart issues and it's devastating. I am praying that he will be alright. She is a loss mom too, and her mother also died from cancer last year. I am worried about her ability to cope with this, though I know she is strong. Prayers would be appreciated.
I think that's it for now. I need to work on my mental health and physical health. Heck, throw spiritual in there too. I am not eating well or exercising. It's finally getting warmer and I can start walking. I am also joining the Y this summer. It will be good for me, especially if I am trying to get pregnant again.
Ok..that's it for now.
I worry about Caden dying all the time. I worry he'll die from SIDS at night or in his car seat. I worry about car accidents, and falls. it's a daily thing. Sometimes it's really obsessive irrational worry. I have to work hard to keep my head on straight. Caden hasn't been the easiest either. He has asthma, and has been hospitalized three times in his first year. That's hard on any mama, but a loss mama it's harder.
I worry people are forgetting Ana. Or don't care about her. I think of her every day. I had a difficult time with her third birthday last month. I guess I know now how much I am missing out. How she'd no longer be a baby...that she is forever stuck as a newborn in my mind, as I watch her little brother grow. It sucks.
We have some positive things coming...like we are moving to a much bigger place, with four bedrooms, a pool and huge deck. We will have room for more children if we are lucky enough to get pregnant. I'm terrified of losing another child. It just sucks..there is no other way to describe it.
My friend who is adopting a baby, he isn't doing well. He is having some heart issues and it's devastating. I am praying that he will be alright. She is a loss mom too, and her mother also died from cancer last year. I am worried about her ability to cope with this, though I know she is strong. Prayers would be appreciated.
I think that's it for now. I need to work on my mental health and physical health. Heck, throw spiritual in there too. I am not eating well or exercising. It's finally getting warmer and I can start walking. I am also joining the Y this summer. It will be good for me, especially if I am trying to get pregnant again.
Ok..that's it for now.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Trying again
Hello blog. Been a while. Been a rough few months. Made it through Ana's birthday. She would have been three. This year was difficult for some reason. Much harder than two. Maybe because she'd be so much more grown up? No longer the little baby I know... maybe because now I truly know what I've lost. Caden just turned one, and we were planning his first birthday party. Made me think about the her parties that should have been. Visited the memorial, and her grave. Brought her a pinwheel like we do each spring. I made a butterfly cake, and we went to dinner. We got her a huge 3 balloon, and put it on her grave. Miss her very much.
We are moving in a few weeks. That means taking down the nursery. While I now see it as mostly Caden's room, it was hers first. I'm having the hardest time with the pooh decal. It will be destroyed when we take it down (not reuseable). We will try to save the little butterfly part, and frame it. Would be nice to have a piece of it with us at our new house. I know that Ana isn't in that room. I know her spirit is always with us, and will follow us to our new house. It is just difficult. Our townhouse holds so many memories. We started our family here. It is also the last place my Mom visited. To move to a place my Mom has never been is kind of strange. I know it seems silly, but I think about those types of things. We'll see how we do.
Another thing...we are trying for another baby. I have always wanted three children. I knew before we even started to try for Ana that I would have a girl named Ana, then a boy named Caden and then a girl named Willow. So far, that has been correct. Ana dying destroyed my picture of my future perfect family. I don't know now how many children we will have, if I can get through another pregnancy. The anxiety is terrible, and nine months is a long time! However I want Caden to have a living sibling. I think I can do it one more time. If we want more than that, we'd be open to adoption. I'm worried it will take another 1.5 years to get pregnant. Probably won't though, as I am not nearly as anxious and obsessed. We'll see.
My friend just adopted a newborn, so exciting! I'd love to adopt one day, since I am adopted. She is also a fellow loss mom and I am so, so happy for her.
Our new house has garden space, and I am thinking of having an "Ana garden". Put one of her butterflies there, flowers. It will be nice. :) one day I want to plant a tree for her, I'm thinking dogwood. Something with pink blossoms.
Ok, back to work
We are moving in a few weeks. That means taking down the nursery. While I now see it as mostly Caden's room, it was hers first. I'm having the hardest time with the pooh decal. It will be destroyed when we take it down (not reuseable). We will try to save the little butterfly part, and frame it. Would be nice to have a piece of it with us at our new house. I know that Ana isn't in that room. I know her spirit is always with us, and will follow us to our new house. It is just difficult. Our townhouse holds so many memories. We started our family here. It is also the last place my Mom visited. To move to a place my Mom has never been is kind of strange. I know it seems silly, but I think about those types of things. We'll see how we do.
Another thing...we are trying for another baby. I have always wanted three children. I knew before we even started to try for Ana that I would have a girl named Ana, then a boy named Caden and then a girl named Willow. So far, that has been correct. Ana dying destroyed my picture of my future perfect family. I don't know now how many children we will have, if I can get through another pregnancy. The anxiety is terrible, and nine months is a long time! However I want Caden to have a living sibling. I think I can do it one more time. If we want more than that, we'd be open to adoption. I'm worried it will take another 1.5 years to get pregnant. Probably won't though, as I am not nearly as anxious and obsessed. We'll see.
My friend just adopted a newborn, so exciting! I'd love to adopt one day, since I am adopted. She is also a fellow loss mom and I am so, so happy for her.
Our new house has garden space, and I am thinking of having an "Ana garden". Put one of her butterflies there, flowers. It will be nice. :) one day I want to plant a tree for her, I'm thinking dogwood. Something with pink blossoms.
Ok, back to work
Thursday, February 11, 2016
2016
Hello blog.
Long time no write. Been having some trouble lately. I guess I'm just lost in the "blah" of life. My rainbow, Caden is 10 months now and doing well. He had some illness issues in the beginning (asthma, hospitalized twice, frequent ear infections) but seems like things are getting better. I love being his Mom, and he gets me through the hard times. I feel like since I have him now, I should be happy and things should be easier.
Its been a little over a year since my Mom died, and almost three years since Ana. I miss them both, and they are on my mind a lot lately. Trying to figure out what to do for Ana's third birthday. I want to get a ballon and bring it to the cemetery. Also want to make a cake. I miss my Mom...and am sad that she is missing out on being a grandmother.
I'm just feeling kind of depressed lately. I can't really identify anything aside from grief, not fully enjoying one of the schools I work at. I have a new job working as a school social worker, and I enjoy it. It has great benefits. Just still getting to know people. It can be overwhelming at times, as I am working with a high needs population.
My friends have had a lot of loss lately. My Dad moved to Florida for the winter. It's just all kind of weird and I miss how things used to be. I guess I need to get some work done. I just miss my little girl. I want her here. I worry a lot about my son dying. I try and not let my mind wander, but it's hard some days. I do think we will be ready soon to try for rainbow #2 which is exciting.
I'll try to write more.
Long time no write. Been having some trouble lately. I guess I'm just lost in the "blah" of life. My rainbow, Caden is 10 months now and doing well. He had some illness issues in the beginning (asthma, hospitalized twice, frequent ear infections) but seems like things are getting better. I love being his Mom, and he gets me through the hard times. I feel like since I have him now, I should be happy and things should be easier.
Its been a little over a year since my Mom died, and almost three years since Ana. I miss them both, and they are on my mind a lot lately. Trying to figure out what to do for Ana's third birthday. I want to get a ballon and bring it to the cemetery. Also want to make a cake. I miss my Mom...and am sad that she is missing out on being a grandmother.
I'm just feeling kind of depressed lately. I can't really identify anything aside from grief, not fully enjoying one of the schools I work at. I have a new job working as a school social worker, and I enjoy it. It has great benefits. Just still getting to know people. It can be overwhelming at times, as I am working with a high needs population.
My friends have had a lot of loss lately. My Dad moved to Florida for the winter. It's just all kind of weird and I miss how things used to be. I guess I need to get some work done. I just miss my little girl. I want her here. I worry a lot about my son dying. I try and not let my mind wander, but it's hard some days. I do think we will be ready soon to try for rainbow #2 which is exciting.
I'll try to write more.
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