Monday, July 29, 2013

Searching for rainbows

Hi blog.
I miss Ana. We're getting close to the 5 month mark. She should be smiling at me. We planted some flowers at her grave this week, which  was nice. I've had a few more dreams about her lately. Usually it's about her stuff, particularly her clothes. Last night the dream was I had to go into her drawer to get something and all her little onsies were there. We haven't touched her room. Her door is usually closed, but I do go in once and a while. I feel I need to go in and make sure everything is still there. It feels like her room. Even though she was never there, I can feel her energy there. We put so much effort and love into her room. Here is a picture of Ana's nursery, the weekend finished it, a few days before we found out Ana passed.


Right now, my husband and I are focused on trying to conceive our rainbow. I have weird menstrual cycles so it's not as straight forward as I wished it was. It can be hard sometimes to hold onto hope, but I know we will have a take home baby. Here is a figurine I really like. I imagine Ana sending us our rainbow.


Sunday, July 21, 2013

Ana's Father

Hello world,
Ana's father and my wonderful husband has started his own blog. The Father's journey through grief is shrouded in silence as most people focus on the Mother. My husband is grieving as well. Check out my husband's blog if you get a chance to see the loss of Anastasia through the eyes of her Father.
Anastasia's Legacy

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Missing her

Hello blog.

Missing my baby today. I had bad nightmares last night. They don't come as often as they used to, but when they do they throw me off balance. Last night, I dreamed one of my close friends told me she was 9 months pregnant with a baby girl. I cried and sobbed and yelled at her. I was so mad at her for not telling me, and so angry that she was having a baby and I lost mine. Then another one I was at a store in the baby section. I was trying to avoid the area but couldn't. Some people who had a baby around the same time I did (in real life) where there, and they bought the same bottles I bought for Ana. I was mad and I couldn't escape. I think I also kept looking for Ana but I couldn't find her. I hate those dreams. I want my baby. If I can't have Ana, I want my rainbow baby. We've been trying for 2 1/2 months now to get pregnant, and while that isn't very long I'm still sad I'm not pregnant yet. I miss her so much, and want to use all of our baby things. I want to hold a living, breathing baby in my arms. I think that's it for now. Here is a pic my Aunt posted this morning, and I thought it was a great representation of what I am going through and what I need to remember....the rainbow after the storm.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Thoughts

     Hello. So, have been thinking of a few things I wanted to write about. I think I'll start with our support group, Empty Arms.

     We were given pamphlets when we found out Ana died, and when we delivered her. The pamphlets talked about a group the hospital sponsored support group called Empty Arms. It's a support group for grieving parents who suffered misscarriage/pregnancy loss, stillbirth and infant loss. We went to our first group I believe 3 weeks after our daughter was born. It was difficult, but really nice to meet people who had gone through similiar situations.
     What I also like about it is that there are various types of loss and stories. We are all grieving, but the circumstances are unique. We've met two others with a full term loss, one unexplained (like ours) and one due to a cord accident. There are numerous ladies who had early miscarriages. A few lost their babies in the second trimester, due to incompetent cervix or illness. One lost twins. One lost 2 daughters back to back for unknown reasons. A few have since adopted children. Some have infertility issues and used IVF to conceive another child. Some have had to make the terrible decision to terminate their pregnancy because of a fatal defect/genetic disorder. They are an amazing group of people who have truly helped me stay sane. They get it. They understand that intense, barely tolerable pain that only a person who has lost a child can understand. This has helped me and my husband tremendiously. We meet once a month for a formal group, and then every other month or so have an informal dinner gathering. We also do special events for Mother's day, and international baby loss day (Oct. 15th). I'm so happy we found them. I can ask questions that others might raise their eyebrows at. I can ask "is this normal?" or "did you experience this?" there is a multitude of experiences with family's reactions, reactions from co-workers and professionals. It helps to hear that others have struggled walking the path of a loss Mom/Dad.
      The world doesn't understand us. People hush when we walk by because they don't want to "bring it up" or make us cry. That hurts me the most. TALK ABOUT IT! Say my baby's name. I love to talk about her. I won't get to watch her grow up, so as often as I can talk about my beautiful angel the happier I am. Yes, I am sad. I am experincing heart wrenching, can't breathe, overwhelmed and shattering pain. I am never not grieving. It's ok to talk to me about it.
     Ok, off my soap box. I just have a hard time when people don't talk about the elphant in the room. It took my boss a month to aknowledge my loss once I returned to work. Numerous co-workers haven't yet. It's been 4 months.

Missing my angel each and every day....

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Ana's stone

Ana's headstone came in this past week. It's perfect, just what we wanted. Strangely it came in the same week we found out we were pregnant last year (7/7/12). How much can change in 1 year....these two images give me goosebumps, but it's a good representation of what has happened this past year.



                                                                     July 7th, 2012

                                                                      July 7th, 2013

I love and miss you angel...

Monday, July 8, 2013

Beginings

Welcome to my blog, Honoring Ana. This blog is a space for me to grieve and honor my daughter, Anastasia Maeve, stillborn on March 2nd 2013 at 37 weeks. Ana is our first child, and when we learned her heart stopped beating, so did ours. I had a normal, healthy pregnancy and the reason for our daughter's death is unknown. Our doctor compared it to being struck by lightning, and the likelihood of it happening again is very slim. This of course does not erase my fear of this happening again in future pregnancies. We are currently trying to conceive our rainbow baby (those born after a loss).

I plan to use this blog as a place to share my journey through loss, grief and beyond. It's a place to remember my precious daughter, who though only lived for a short time and never took her first breath, has changed my, and my family's lives forever.

                                Anastasia Maeve Paradis March 2nd, 2013