Hello blog.
I am now 13 weeks with my second rainbow baby. This pregnancy I've felt more..ambivalent. I very much want this baby, and am very happy I am pregnant. However I feel like my brain is trying to protect myself from potential loss, so I'm constantly fighting the thought that something is wrong or the baby is dead. It was like that with Caden, too I just feel like it is more difficult this time to be happy.
I had an appointment yesterday and it was difficult. I saw a different OB then I usually do. I think she knew some of my history, but wasn't as gentle with me as my regular OB. Normally, if it is to early/can't find the heart beat on a doppler, my OB will automatically give me an ultrasound. She did this with both Ana and Caden. However, this OB must be different. I had Caden with me and he was upset and crying. My husband was late so I had him in the office with me. Caden yelled and yelled so the OB could not find the HB and was rather rude. "This is pointless" referring to trying to hear it with my son there. She said "come back next week" and we'd try again. I guess I was in shock, or just to overwhelmed to respond. By the time I got to check out and was scheduling a follow up, I started to cry. I went outside and tried desperately to call my friend who is an ultrasound tech. I was going to beg her for an ultrasound. She was out of town.
My husband showed up and I asked him to advocate for me to have an ultrasound before we left the building. He did so, and a nurse came and got me. She obviously had no idea what was wrong as I was sobbing. She brought me back to a room and asked me what was wrong. I told her my daughter died and I needed to know if this baby was alive. She was sweet and said we'd find out. So, the OB came back. I'm still a mess, and explain I just need to know if the baby is alive. They re did the doppler, and found a perfect heart beat of 155. I cried with relief and went on my way. It was really embarrassing. I'm sure everyone in the waiting room thought something terrible had happened. This is also the same office I found Ana had died in, so it's very triggering for me anyway.
So, that sucked. But, i made it through and baby is OK! I am now moving into the second trimester and trying to relax and enjoy. Easier said than done!
