Dreams

Hi blog. Trying to write more frequently. It helps. I had a bad dream last night about Ana. It's been a while, but after she died they were frequent. Usually involves going shopping and seeing the little girl stuff and realizing I can't buy any of it. Last night was similar, except I was going through her clothes. It is always in my childhood bedroom in my dreams...which I'm sure is significant. I'm going through her beautiful clothes, and I want to dress her. Then I remember she is buried and I can't. For  a split second I think of digging her up so I can dress her. I also think about dressing up a baby doll in her clothes then realize that is unhealthy. In the dream I start crying as I pile her clothes up. In a recent dream I was looking at boy clothes (I'm pretty sure our rainbow will be a boy) and found one of her dresses in with the boy clothes. It was so sad. Another common dream is that we have to move and take down her nursery. It sucks. Sometimes before I fall asleep I get intrusive thoughts, or almost like PTSD flashbacks. I see the ultrasound when we found out her heart stopped, or delivery, or her beautiful face. Or leaving her at the hospital. Or her little casket...I try really hard to stop those thoughts as they are disturbing. It's a constant battle to remain sane. I miss my little girl and I am really bitter. Everyone else seems to have their babies. Some don't even realize how lucky they are, and take their kids for granted. What really bothers me is when Mothers complain about being tired or unruly toddlers. I'd do anything to be in your position.

Ok I have to go to work and hoping that getting this out makes an easier day. Lets see if I can find a pretty picture to put in here...

This is one of my favorite pics I found...reminds me of my butterfly girl

Eight months

Hi blog. Today my angel would be eight months old. I cannot believe it has been that long. I feel like I am living in a fog...I am a robot. I am functioning, but barely. I do the bare minimum to get by. Now my physical, mental and spiritual health are suffering. I sometimes stuff my grief because it is so painful to acknowledge that my baby died. She's dead. I still cannot believe it eight months later. It's not fair at all. I recently found out I am sensitive to gluten as well as corn, beef and cane sugar. I started out trying to change my eating and became overwhelmed. Most days I feel sick, fat, tired and have hot flashes. I'm sure that diet is a part of this. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. This makes me feel dumb, and fat and unhealthy. I had a split second thought there I worried it might have affected Ana. I know it didn't, but that guilt sometimes sneaks up.

I've done something to my shoulder, no idea what but it hurts. My back hurts. I think I've gained weight and am retaining fluid. I feel foggy and yucky most of the time. I've gone through a lot of changes...aside from grieving, my new found food sensitivities, sleep apnea, taking a bunch of supplements, changed to a natural thyroid medicine, and started birth control. I didn't want to. I had to because I have PCOS and my cycles have been crazy since Ana. I don't think I was ovulating. So, we're on the pill until January. Then trying again. It's just not fair...some people don't even try and they get pregnant. We want a child so badly...we're good people, have good jobs and would be great parents. It's just not fair at all. I hate how people think grief is linear. I'm still grieving, my child is dead. How long would you grieve? The next few months will be hard..holidays, then nearing her birthday. I hope we get pregnant quickly so I at least have that to look forward to. I know I need to get healthy...I will feel much better. I just need to find the motivation.

I love you so much angel, and wish you were here in my arms. Thank you for the signs you give me. I know we will meet again. In the meantime, send me your siblings!!!