Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Arriving soon

Hi journal...
I should really post more often. I find writing therapeutic. I haven't even written in Willow's pregnancy journal in months. I guess that's third child syndrome! I am maybe a quarter done with her cross stitch as well haha. Gotta get on that...can't have one for my angel and rainbow 1 and not her. I found a cute quote that I want to get framed for her room... "She is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow". So true :) <3  Her name will be Willow Jade. She is arriving next Friday, April 21st. My third spring baby. I am almost 36 weeks. Normal anxiety of losing a baby, especially as we get closer. I just want her out and safe. Last measurements were 5lbs 13 oz. She will beat her sister, not sure about her brother but it's possible! I hope this week goes fast...I am finishing up my work week and it feels good to be done. Everything is almost ready for her. Just a few small things left to do. Easter is this weekend, and we are also house hunting (talk about stressful!).

I think that is it for now....who knows when I will update again!

Here is a pic of my three babies, Willow, Caden and Ana. They definitely look like siblings!!! All have my nose, Dad's eyes and mouth.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Fourth

Happy fourth birthday to my angel. I cannot believe it has been that long. Feels like yesterday, and a life time ago all at the same time. I'm kind of numb this year...trying not to think about it. I'm at work, trying to get out early so I can be with my husband and son. I bought stuff to make cupcakes and will be doing a butterfly design on them. I'll post pics if I remember! Having some computer issues.

Ana's little sister (Willow) is doing well. I am now 30 weeks pregnant. We are very busy. Weekly ultrasounds and bi weekly OB appointments, soon to be bumped up to 2 ultrasounds a week and weekly OB apts. It is all worth it. This time I have gestational diabetes that requires insulin. That has been difficult emotionally to not feel guilt, though I know I couldn't control it. I've been grumpy and snappy...less tolerable of people. Especially doctors, who are not sensitive or don't know about Ana. I just don't want to talk about "is this your first?" "oh a girl, perfect a boy and girl!" "in that pregnancy" ugh. Just shut up, really. I wish I had all my babies together. They should be all together...the three of them. The three of them I have seen in my head since 2010 or so when I started envisioning my family. Ana, Caden and Willow. It's so difficult. We've also been in the process to adopt. This will be my last pregnancy, I just can't handle another one emotionally. If we want more kids, we will adopt in a couple years. I am adopted and have always wanted to adopt.


I think that is all I can manage right now. I wish I could crawl in bed and sleep.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

PTSD

Hello blog.

I am now 13 weeks with my second rainbow baby. This pregnancy I've felt more..ambivalent. I very much want this baby, and am very happy I am pregnant. However I feel like my brain is trying to protect myself from potential loss, so I'm constantly fighting the thought that something is wrong or the baby is dead. It was like that with Caden, too I just feel like it is more difficult this time to be happy.

I had an appointment yesterday and it was difficult. I saw a different OB then I usually do. I think she knew some of my history, but wasn't as gentle with me as my regular OB. Normally, if it is to early/can't find the heart beat on a doppler, my OB will automatically give me an ultrasound. She did this with both Ana and Caden. However, this OB must be different. I had Caden with me and he was upset and crying. My husband was late so I had him in the office with me. Caden yelled and yelled so the OB could not find the HB and was rather rude. "This is pointless" referring to trying to hear it with my son there. She said "come back next week" and we'd try again. I guess I was in shock, or just to overwhelmed to respond. By the time I got to check out and was scheduling a follow up, I started to cry. I went outside and tried desperately to call my friend who is an ultrasound tech. I was going to beg her for an ultrasound. She was out of town.

My husband showed up and I asked him to advocate for me to have an ultrasound before we left the building. He did so, and a nurse came and got me. She obviously had no idea what was wrong as I was sobbing. She brought me back to a room and asked me what was wrong. I told her my daughter died and I needed to know if this baby was alive. She was sweet and said we'd find out. So, the OB came back. I'm still a mess, and explain I just need to know if the baby is alive. They re did the doppler, and found a perfect heart beat of 155. I cried with relief and went on my way. It was really embarrassing. I'm sure everyone in the waiting room thought something terrible had happened. This is also the same office I found Ana had died in, so it's very triggering for me anyway.

So, that sucked. But, i made it through and baby is OK! I am now moving into the second trimester and trying to relax and enjoy. Easier said than done!

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Fear

So, we told the world. Pretty much everyone knows except some people at work. We've had our first ultrasound which went great. Perfect heartbeat at 105bpm, measuring right at six weeks. Due date is May 11th. We did a photo shoot and it was awesome. I'll post some of the pics.

I am now terrified of a missed miscarriage. That the baby will stop growing and the heart will stop. Though in reality, at this point the miscarriage rate is only 10% after seeing a heartbeat, and it goes down again once I hit 7 weeks, on Thursday. So...everything should statistically be fine. But, when you are pregnant after loss logical thinking goes out the window. Once I announced on Facebook, two fellow loss mamas messaged me saying they were pregnant! So exciting. We'll be able to support each other. I also have my online support community, thencomesfamily.com. Been on there since trying to get pregnant with Ana over four years ago. I thought about it the other day..I have had three pregnancies in the last four years! By the time this baby is born, I will have had three babies in a little over four years. INSANE. No wonder I am tired!

This will most likely (if everything goes well) be our last bio child. It is very difficult emotionally for me to go through pregnancy and I am not sure I could do it again. Especially if this baby is a girl. If we want more kiddos, we'll adopt. We want to adopt anyway (I'm adopted). We've already started the process to get approved through the state to adopt.

So that's whats going on now. Fear and joy, and mixed in together! I am having morning sickness (mostly at night) hunger, food aversions and cravings, mood swings, sore breasts on and off and extreme fatigue! All remind me of the miracle growing inside.

Peace & Love

Monday, September 12, 2016

Here we go again...

Hello blog, been a while.

Back in school, so far going well. Starting the third week today.

Some big news! I'm pregnant! So excited. I had gone to see my OB over the summer and she prescribed me progesterone due to short cycles. Well, it worked on the first try! My due date for right now is May 9th. I have my first ultrasound on Thursday, then seeing the nurse on Friday. First appointment with my OB on Oct 6th. So far, my sister, Dad and a few close friends/co workers know. My husband of course :) once we see everything is going well, we'll announce to the public. It should work that I can have the baby and be out the rest of the school year.

Of course being pregnant after loss is terrifying. I feel less terrified than last time, but still fear a miscarriage...or that we will go to the ultrasound and there will be nothing. Still having troublesome thoughts about my son. It was really cold this morning and he slept through the night. I first thought he was dead. It's a continuous process.

So, for now...happy and pregnant! Will keep you updated

8/29/2016


Sunday, August 7, 2016

Better

 I am doing better. That med was nuts and made me feel crazy. I feel more like me now. I still am having anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Its better than feeling like shit though, and not being able to sleep. I see my doc next week. We will discuss options then, but I am not going to try more medications like that. I don't know what other options I have but I do not want to feel like that.

It's hot. I am over the summer heat. I am looking forward to fall, not going back to work but the cool crisp air. Being hot has always made me cranky. I am having issues with a tooth and need a root canal...not fun at all! Getting that done tomorrow. Trying to get things done before back to school in three weeks. It will be nice for a fresh start to work, and to be more busy.

I see my OB next week. The one who delivered Ana and Caden. I love her. She is a very kind woman. I am going to ask about my cycle issues and see what she thinks. We've also turned in our adoption application to DHS, and have been finger printed. Our references have been contacted. I'm thinking we'll be licensed as a foster/adoptive home in Dec or Jan at the earliest. If I get pregnant before then we'll just put adoption on hold. I still want to adopt eventually.

I guess that's really it for now. Did I write about the dream I had a little while ago? Don't think I did. Well, I had a dream that my friend gave birth to twin girls, who were healthy (she lost her twin boys last year). Then I was at some type of church gathering with my children. I had a boy, about 5 or 6 named Sam. I had the distinct impression he was adopted. Caden wasn't there, but Ana was! She was about 13, and was upset that she wouldn't be able to be a teenager on earth, so she was going to be a teenager in heaven! She had a big attitude and my friend went to go talk with her. It was cool :)

That's all for now :)