Sunday, September 22, 2013

September

Hello sweet angel,
It's been six months. The six months mark was really, really hard. I didn't anticipate it to be so hard. Some days, I do really well and others I feel like I did that first week. Inconsolable, intense pain. Now, looking forward the the next six months and what those will look like. I cannot believe it is almost October. We found out you were a girl on Oct. 30th. Your 1st birthday is coming quick, I just cannot fathom. I was thinking earlier how the last 6, almost 7 months now have been a blur. Which is fine with me. I used to hate the passage of time, but now I could care less. Make it go fast. I want to fast forward to when I am pregnant with my rainbow.

Speaking of rainbows, I'm having a hard time getting pregnant. I don't think I'm ovulating. We've been trying 5 months. My doctor thinks I should go back on birthcontrol for three months to get regulated. While this makes sense to me, and is most likely the quickest and healthiest road to pregnancy, I broke down at her office. No, I don't want to go on the pill. Why can't I get pregnant like everyone else? (it seems). I know a lot of people whose children were not planned. I am so jealous. I should have a 6 month old. Totally sucks. I got my "Held Your Whole Life" necklace the other day. They make necklaces for Loss Moms. I love mine! Has a butterfly, and her birth stone aquamarine. I'll keep everyone updated. I miss Ana so, so so much. I know she is with me always.

And an ultrasound pic of Ana in September last year. I think this was 11 weeks? I remember her waving at us.