Hello
I'm alive, and managing. Caden is doing well. I am almost 30 weeks. I'm now seeing my OB weekly, getting weekly NSTs and BPPs. While I am happy to be so closely monitored, it is hard to schedule work and be overwhelmed. I am trying to just get through each day. Only 7 weeks left! I can do it. Our c-section was scheduled for 37 weeks, April 2nd. I'm not sure that will stick though, my OB is double checking with the perinatologist. He wanted to go 39 weeks. I'm scared and worried. I don't want him to have issues coming to early, but I don't want to go much past 37 either. PLUS I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I am going to a class tomorrow to learn more about it. Talk about added stress, huh? I miss my Mom and Ana a lot too. Being pregnant, and getting close reminds me of Ana and the end of my pregnancy. I miss her, and I am getting more flashbacks to her birth. It's so hard. BUT, overall this pregnancy has been less stressful than I had imagined while trying to conceive. Ok, that's enough for now. Time to zone out to crap TV.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Trying to heal
Hello journal.
I am tired. Very tired, and drained. It's been a crazy few weeks. Baby Caden is doing well, I'm 24weeks and 5 days pregnant. I wish it would go faster and we could meet him. But, really I only have 12 weeks and a few days until we meet him! Whoa! I have been feeling the urge to get things ready so I went through his clothes. Due to a donation from a friend, we have plenty of 0-3 clothes, some 3-6, and a little 6+. So, we will need some bigger stuff, and blankets. We do still need a rocker, but we have $175 in gift certificates for babies-r-us so we should be able to get one.
I miss my Mom. It's still not sunk all the way in that she is gone. I keep forgetting, it's like torture every time I remember. I keep getting the urge to text or call her, but then I remember. That probably happened ten times yesterday. It is so hard. I just want to talk to her. I know I can talk to her, but it just seems to hard right now. I do believe she can hear me, and we can have some communication but I just miss being able to call her, vent and have her make me feel better. I just want my Mom. I want her to be here for the rest of my pregnancy and to meet Caden. I know she is with us in spirit, but it's just not good enough. I'm so tired. Not only am I grieving, but being pregnant and working full time is hard. My heart doesn't feel in my work, because I'm so drained. I am tired of winter, and it just began here in Maine. I want the warm sun, flowers and grass. I'd love to be able to go for walks in nature. It will come I suppose. I wish I didn't have to work full time. I'd rather focus on self care and getting ready for baby. But, gotta do it. At least it's not for to terribly long before I go on maternity leave. Then I am thinking of switching jobs...at least location so I can be closer to my Dad and sister. I want more friends, or atleast closer friends so I can hang out with them and have a social life. I have friends here but I barely see them. So I hope one day to have that back, and have a wider support network. I know all these things will come, but it's hard sitting here in the cold darkness of winter.
So..that's where I am at. Tired, ready for happiness and warmth and spring. New life and new hope. It's coming, right around the corner I just wish I could rest and sleep until it was here!
I am tired. Very tired, and drained. It's been a crazy few weeks. Baby Caden is doing well, I'm 24weeks and 5 days pregnant. I wish it would go faster and we could meet him. But, really I only have 12 weeks and a few days until we meet him! Whoa! I have been feeling the urge to get things ready so I went through his clothes. Due to a donation from a friend, we have plenty of 0-3 clothes, some 3-6, and a little 6+. So, we will need some bigger stuff, and blankets. We do still need a rocker, but we have $175 in gift certificates for babies-r-us so we should be able to get one.
I miss my Mom. It's still not sunk all the way in that she is gone. I keep forgetting, it's like torture every time I remember. I keep getting the urge to text or call her, but then I remember. That probably happened ten times yesterday. It is so hard. I just want to talk to her. I know I can talk to her, but it just seems to hard right now. I do believe she can hear me, and we can have some communication but I just miss being able to call her, vent and have her make me feel better. I just want my Mom. I want her to be here for the rest of my pregnancy and to meet Caden. I know she is with us in spirit, but it's just not good enough. I'm so tired. Not only am I grieving, but being pregnant and working full time is hard. My heart doesn't feel in my work, because I'm so drained. I am tired of winter, and it just began here in Maine. I want the warm sun, flowers and grass. I'd love to be able to go for walks in nature. It will come I suppose. I wish I didn't have to work full time. I'd rather focus on self care and getting ready for baby. But, gotta do it. At least it's not for to terribly long before I go on maternity leave. Then I am thinking of switching jobs...at least location so I can be closer to my Dad and sister. I want more friends, or atleast closer friends so I can hang out with them and have a social life. I have friends here but I barely see them. So I hope one day to have that back, and have a wider support network. I know all these things will come, but it's hard sitting here in the cold darkness of winter.
So..that's where I am at. Tired, ready for happiness and warmth and spring. New life and new hope. It's coming, right around the corner I just wish I could rest and sleep until it was here!
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