Hi Blog
I should write more. Summer is about half way over. I've had a few visits from my sister, which was nice. I wish we lived closer to each other. I'm in a funk. I am asking for help though and trying to be open with my husband about my feelings. I'm still not pregnant, which is probably a good thing. It gives me time to focus on getting healthy. I feel like I have a lot going on in my head. Counseling is going well. I am trying a new medication to help with my anxiety/intrusive thoughts. We'll see if it helps. I am not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago, which is nice. It's been really hot and humid and that has not been helpful. Tomorrow my husband is off and we're going to have a date, child free which will be nice. It's been a long time. I think I will get in the pool and exercise today. I know it will help, the motivation is just low. I hope that by the time I go back to school in about 5 weeks I will be feeling better and ready. The summer is definitely not going how I imagined (care free, happy, fun). There has been fun times I just need to have more of that! Really trying. Going out with Empty Arms friends on Wednesday for dinner. Will be nice. I really like them. They understand the pain of losing a child, and I just like being around them. Even when we aren't talking about our children. I find comfort in being around people who get it.
In other news I went to the meeting at DHS about adoption/foster. We have turned in our application for adoption through the state. Its a long process involving home study, finger printing, inspection by fire marshall...but it's something I've always wanted to do. Also takes me mind of trying to get pregnant. If we can adopt a baby, maybe I'll be done with having biological children. I don't know. I want to have another bio baby, but really the anxiety is so intense. I am hopeful for the future, for both myself and my family.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Monday, July 11, 2016
Coping?
how do you cope? I feel like it's just one thing after another. One trigger after another. Barely floating than WHAM a wave. I feel like I am being judged. I feel like others don't see my loss as significant. I don't know why I care. I guess I just want Ana's life to be acknowledged and valued. That is really important to me. I feel like the world doesn't get it.
and they don't. And that should be a good thing, that most people don't know my pain. I just need validation. Validation that it hurts and this is an incredibly difficult journey. Sometimes I really am ok. I don't know why the last few months have been more difficult. I've had more anxiety and depression in general. I can't seem to get out of this one. I feel really alone. I am trying to speak about it but it's hard. I know people care but ...they aren't in my head.
Not really sure what will help. I have therapy tomorrow and that's good. Will try and get out once Toby is home. Go for a walk, try and do something fun. Need to focus on positive things.
and they don't. And that should be a good thing, that most people don't know my pain. I just need validation. Validation that it hurts and this is an incredibly difficult journey. Sometimes I really am ok. I don't know why the last few months have been more difficult. I've had more anxiety and depression in general. I can't seem to get out of this one. I feel really alone. I am trying to speak about it but it's hard. I know people care but ...they aren't in my head.
Not really sure what will help. I have therapy tomorrow and that's good. Will try and get out once Toby is home. Go for a walk, try and do something fun. Need to focus on positive things.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Apples and Oranges
Ugh. Love how you can be slapped in the face with grief when you least expect it, and by those you least expect it from.
A friend's dog died recently. She shared a video her son made her about the dog. It was sad and a beautiful tribute. The dog had been sick for a while, but had lived a long healthy life. In her post on facebook, she called the dog her baby. I was triggered by this, as dogs are not babies. I can understand the deep love we have for our pets. I had two dogs I grew up with, and I loved them deeply. I was very saddened by their passing. I remember when we were discussing putting my dog down, and I was sobbing. I said that Sunny was my baby. My mother said, "Michelle, he is not your baby". I was very angered by this. However, years later I lost my daughter, and learned she was right. My dog was not my baby. Anastasia Maeve Paradis was my baby.
The pain of losing my dog is nowhere near the pain of losing my daughter. I apparently upset this friend, who must have shared my private message with a mutual friend. This mutual friend posted a scathing rant publicly saying her dog had been her baby, and repeated "baby" over and over again, saying go ahead and delete her if I didn't like it. She then stated she had carried babies within her body, and losing her dog hurt more than losing those babies.
I was dumbfounded. Seriously? I'm not sure what to think of that. Is is possible for someone to have more pain over losing an animal than a child? I just..don't get it. I however don't think she was wanting to be pregnant, and had a miscarriage...I could be wrong, but not sure. I do not feel that losing your pet dog, and losing your child are even in the same stratosphere. For her to suggest they are, and in fact losing a dog was worse was very painful for me. I'm sorry, no matter how much you love your dog, you love your children more. I did not fully understand this until I lost my daughter.
Nothing, not even watching my mother die from cancer was more painful than holding my dead child in my arms.
I am having a rough day. I sent her a private polite message and blocked her. I cannot see those types of posts. It makes me feel like she is invalidating Ana's life. Like her life is not worth more than a dog. I freaking love dogs, and miss mine all the time but it does not equate to a human child...I'm sorry. I just can't see that.
I was able to talk to my sister and a fellow loss Mom friend, and that helped immensely. The advice was to be glad they do not know the pain of losing a child, and their worst day is losing a pet. I am really trying to focus on that...
A friend's dog died recently. She shared a video her son made her about the dog. It was sad and a beautiful tribute. The dog had been sick for a while, but had lived a long healthy life. In her post on facebook, she called the dog her baby. I was triggered by this, as dogs are not babies. I can understand the deep love we have for our pets. I had two dogs I grew up with, and I loved them deeply. I was very saddened by their passing. I remember when we were discussing putting my dog down, and I was sobbing. I said that Sunny was my baby. My mother said, "Michelle, he is not your baby". I was very angered by this. However, years later I lost my daughter, and learned she was right. My dog was not my baby. Anastasia Maeve Paradis was my baby.
The pain of losing my dog is nowhere near the pain of losing my daughter. I apparently upset this friend, who must have shared my private message with a mutual friend. This mutual friend posted a scathing rant publicly saying her dog had been her baby, and repeated "baby" over and over again, saying go ahead and delete her if I didn't like it. She then stated she had carried babies within her body, and losing her dog hurt more than losing those babies.
I was dumbfounded. Seriously? I'm not sure what to think of that. Is is possible for someone to have more pain over losing an animal than a child? I just..don't get it. I however don't think she was wanting to be pregnant, and had a miscarriage...I could be wrong, but not sure. I do not feel that losing your pet dog, and losing your child are even in the same stratosphere. For her to suggest they are, and in fact losing a dog was worse was very painful for me. I'm sorry, no matter how much you love your dog, you love your children more. I did not fully understand this until I lost my daughter.
Nothing, not even watching my mother die from cancer was more painful than holding my dead child in my arms.
I am having a rough day. I sent her a private polite message and blocked her. I cannot see those types of posts. It makes me feel like she is invalidating Ana's life. Like her life is not worth more than a dog. I freaking love dogs, and miss mine all the time but it does not equate to a human child...I'm sorry. I just can't see that.
I was able to talk to my sister and a fellow loss Mom friend, and that helped immensely. The advice was to be glad they do not know the pain of losing a child, and their worst day is losing a pet. I am really trying to focus on that...
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