Dreams

Hi blog.

So last night I had a dream about my Mom. A real dream, not a nightmare which was nice. Though part of it was sad, but I'll focus on the happy.

I think it really was her coming through. I can usually tell. Visitation dreams aren't scary, feels real and you are usually aware on some level that it is a dream/visit. Usually my dreams of Mom are just nightmares about her death, or having to watch her die again and again. This time I was driving with her in her car. We did this a lot when we talked. We would drive down to the beach and eat ice cream when I was having a hard time. A lot of important/deep conversations happened in the car. So, in the dream we were driving. I was somewhat aware of this being a dream and talking with Mom. I felt short for time, not knowing when the dream would end. I remember asking a few questions but unfortunately I can't remember them all. I asked about Ana. Mom said she was wise, or "an adult". I took this to mean she was very advanced for her age. In the dream I replied "yeah, she has reincarnated more times than I have". I then asked my Mom if I would carry another child in my body. She said yes. I know there was more but I can't remember. Hoping it comes back to me. It was pretty short but real. I think I asked if she hears me, or is with me. I usually ask that. When it's a nightmare she usually says no she doesn't hear me, or isn't aware. I feel she really is with me always and can hear me.

So that was kind of cool. I live for those visits...signs. I miss my Mom so much lately. I miss Ana too, but I guess I feel more resolved with her death, probably because it has been longer. I miss her very, very much and some days the grief over takes me and I feel depressed. Right now, Mom is really on my mind and I just want to talk with her. Ask her things, get her advice.

One of the things I would talk with her about would be adoption. Toby and I have decided to look into it. I have always wanted to adopt anyway, and the anxiety of trying to get pregnant is overwhelming me. We will keep trying but also pursue adoption. I am going to an informational meeting in a few weeks. Some of my other loss mama friends are going too, which is exciting.

Ok..that's all for now.

Summer!

Hello blog

I am on summer vacation. It is very strange, having worked every summer since I was 15. I think this summer will be very theraputic. I will have time to refocus on what is important, family and health. I will be able to exercise, read, write. Time for myself. We got the pool open, and I am finding it theraputic to work on it. It's a fair amount of work but once it is clean it will be very nice.

So, we've been trying for another baby for four months now. Just got my period yesterday. I am having odd cycles, short luteal phase (phase after ovulation before period, when egg is fertilized and implants). This means my body is triggering menstruation before it should, thus not giving a potential fertilized egg time to implant. Obviously, this is a problem. I have learned a lot since starting trying to conceive Ana four years ago. Actually, I got pregnant with Ana four years ago this week. If I had gotten pregnant this month, my due date would have been Ana's fourth birthday. So, getting my period was more difficult this month. Next cycle would be Caden's birthday as my due date...another March baby.

So a few weeks ago I went to my primary care doc, because she is awesome and her treatment helped me get pregnant with Caden. Back then my issue was ovulation and too long of cycles (go figure). She also used to be a midwife. When I explained that my luteal phase was short, she looked confused and said luteal phase is ALWAYS 14 days. (Um, no). I explained that I knew when I ovulated, based on tests and other symptoms. She again said no, you ovulate around day 14. Again, not everyone does. I have always ovulated on or around day 21 of my cycle. I have been charting my cycles for four years. I know myself pretty well. Needless her advice was "just have sex on day 12, 14 and 16 and you'll get pregnant". Thanks for nothing. She then looked at Caden and said "you sure you want another?". Well, she's the one who asked about us trying again months ago!

Why do people think it is ok to ask a woman about her reproduction? Some women have trouble trying to get pregnant, others can't and then some women don't want children. It is none of their damn business. We all have dreams of what we want for a family...no one envisions losing a child, not being able to concieve. I wanted three kids. Originally 2 boys and a girl. Then, when I met Toby it switched to two girls and a boy...I even had names picked out by the time we were married. Anastasia, Caden and Willow. I've been right about the first two...pretty sure I have another daughter out there meant to be with us. I have then seen us adopting a fourth child. We'll see. I just want to be "done".Have all my children here with me, though that will never be possible without Ana. I do however want to put pregnancy and birth behind me.

Ok, off to a therapy appointment...

Blessings

Want to take the time to focus on a wonderful moment I had with my son yesterday afternoon. We went to play outside with some water and toys. Initially, he was not to thrilled! The grass freaked him out!

Then, he got used to it and we played in the water. He was so happy, splashing around and sitting with Mommy. Then, a group of dragonflies danced around us. Like, 5 or 6 of them just spinning and twirling around us. I felt it was my Mom, and Ana and other special people who have passed on, coming for a visit. I felt this strongly. I felt like my Mom was there, proud of me. Watching me be a mother. I felt all encompassing peace and happiness for the first time in a while. It was short lived, but it was marvelous! I will work consciously to have more of these precious moments. To remember my blessings and celebrate them!

 I will forever remember this moment with my son, playing and watching the dragonflies dance.