Dreams

Hi blog.

So last night I had a dream about my Mom. A real dream, not a nightmare which was nice. Though part of it was sad, but I'll focus on the happy.

I think it really was her coming through. I can usually tell. Visitation dreams aren't scary, feels real and you are usually aware on some level that it is a dream/visit. Usually my dreams of Mom are just nightmares about her death, or having to watch her die again and again. This time I was driving with her in her car. We did this a lot when we talked. We would drive down to the beach and eat ice cream when I was having a hard time. A lot of important/deep conversations happened in the car. So, in the dream we were driving. I was somewhat aware of this being a dream and talking with Mom. I felt short for time, not knowing when the dream would end. I remember asking a few questions but unfortunately I can't remember them all. I asked about Ana. Mom said she was wise, or "an adult". I took this to mean she was very advanced for her age. In the dream I replied "yeah, she has reincarnated more times than I have". I then asked my Mom if I would carry another child in my body. She said yes. I know there was more but I can't remember. Hoping it comes back to me. It was pretty short but real. I think I asked if she hears me, or is with me. I usually ask that. When it's a nightmare she usually says no she doesn't hear me, or isn't aware. I feel she really is with me always and can hear me.

So that was kind of cool. I live for those visits...signs. I miss my Mom so much lately. I miss Ana too, but I guess I feel more resolved with her death, probably because it has been longer. I miss her very, very much and some days the grief over takes me and I feel depressed. Right now, Mom is really on my mind and I just want to talk with her. Ask her things, get her advice.

One of the things I would talk with her about would be adoption. Toby and I have decided to look into it. I have always wanted to adopt anyway, and the anxiety of trying to get pregnant is overwhelming me. We will keep trying but also pursue adoption. I am going to an informational meeting in a few weeks. Some of my other loss mama friends are going too, which is exciting.

Ok..that's all for now.