Hi blog.
I am doing well physically. Baby is doing well. Lots of movement, and he is definitely developing a little personality :)
My Mom became really ill around Dec. 10th. She had gone for a CAT scan to check on her tumor. They discovered the cancer, despite chemo and radiation, had spread to her liver. They also discovered a blood clot in her lung. She was admitted to the hospital and they began to treat the blood clot. She began to feel better, but by the 11th/12th began to struggle with other things, such as being tired and not eating or going to the bathroom. By the 14th we knew something was wrong and she had stopped urinating completely. The docs said her kidneys were shutting down. We tried treating that aggressively, but because of the cancer it was not affective. She became less and less aware of what was going on and slept most of the time. On the morning of Dec 16th, we knew she was not going to make it much longer. We switched from treatment to comfort measures, as she was dying and in pain. I rushed up to an OB appointment, because that's what she would have wanted to do. Before I left, I told her I loved her, and she said "I love you too". Those were the last words she spoke to me. I came back after my appointment (2.5 hours away) and she passed that night, surrounded by family and love. One of her last words had been "pizza" so we had a pizza party in her room for dinner. Hopefully she was able to smell it atleast! We talked and joked with her while her breathing slowed down, and she eventually passed. It was peaceful and there was no pain.
It all happened so much faster than we thought it would. We anticipated another six months. We anticipated she would be here in April when my rainbow was born. So, while we knew she was dying, we had a lot left undone. I bought her a recordable book for Caden that she didn't get to do, I bought both my sister and myself a Grandmother memory book I was going to have her do. That didn't get filled out either. Mom was knitting a rainbow blanket for Caden that didn't get done. Her best friend will be finishing it for us, which is so sweet.
I am in shock. Her funeral is the 30th. She had SO many friends and coworkers who loved her. My Aunts have been up as well, and I feel supported by our families. It's just so hard, and I keep forgetting she died. I keep thinking "oh I want to text Mom about that" or "I should call Mom". Then I'll remember. Totally sucks. She was a major source of support for me, and has been my whole life. When I am upset I prefer to talk to her over my husband! I'm much better about that now, but she has always been my go-to person. It is going to be hard to get through this pregnancy without her. I am more scared now that the baby will die. I think it's more fear that if something DID happen, I don't have her here to help me like she did with Ana. My Mom really helped me get through Ana's death. She practically lived with me for two weeks, then came up for weekends. I love her so much. She was an amazing Mom.
I know she is now my guardian angel, holding Ana tight (I'm a little jealous) and will be watching over Caden as he enters this world. Caden will be one very lucky boy with an angel sister and Mimi watching out for him!
I'm heading back to my parents house for Christmas and the funeral. I've lost three people in less than two years (Ana, my Grandfather and now my Mom). I am just so tired. I am looking forward to happiness! I guess I am coping well....or I'm just in such sock right now I'm not dealing with it. Because I am pregnant I am being very careful to take care of myself and not get to overwhelmed.
Ok, that's all for now. Feels good to get it out.
Merry freakin' Christmas
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
It's a BOY!
Hello blog!
So, we've been busy. My life is so crazy right now, but good things are happening. We had our anatomy scan on Dec 3rd. Everything looks good, and...it's a BOY! I am relieved, as that was what we were hoping for. I think it will be easier emotionally to separate this baby from Ana as a boy, as opposed to if it's a girl. I do think my next baby will be a girl :) But, definitely taking a break from baby making after this one for a little while! My life for the past two plus years has been baby making.
Anyway, we are very excited! His name is Caden. We've had it picked out for years. Not sure on middle name yet. Still working on it. We want to include my Mom in it somehow. She likes Frank (her Dad's name) but I can't handle Frank! haha. Thomas and Scott are contenders (my Grandfather's middle and last name). I will post pics soon (I'm on my work computer).
Mom is doing ok. She finished chemo, and today is having some testing to see if the chemo/radiation helped. She has been very tired, dealing with a leg infection. She is doing much better, but still very wiped out. I miss being able to talk to her whenever I want. She is usually to tired or drugged up to talk to. It's so, so hard. I wish life wasn't so cruel sometimes....
We are hopeful she will make it to see the baby, and be able to come here for the birth. I think Mom sometimes isn't sure she will make it. She's more depressed and then doesn't take as good care of herself.
Please send us prayers and good vibes, we could use it!
So, we've been busy. My life is so crazy right now, but good things are happening. We had our anatomy scan on Dec 3rd. Everything looks good, and...it's a BOY! I am relieved, as that was what we were hoping for. I think it will be easier emotionally to separate this baby from Ana as a boy, as opposed to if it's a girl. I do think my next baby will be a girl :) But, definitely taking a break from baby making after this one for a little while! My life for the past two plus years has been baby making.
Anyway, we are very excited! His name is Caden. We've had it picked out for years. Not sure on middle name yet. Still working on it. We want to include my Mom in it somehow. She likes Frank (her Dad's name) but I can't handle Frank! haha. Thomas and Scott are contenders (my Grandfather's middle and last name). I will post pics soon (I'm on my work computer).
Mom is doing ok. She finished chemo, and today is having some testing to see if the chemo/radiation helped. She has been very tired, dealing with a leg infection. She is doing much better, but still very wiped out. I miss being able to talk to her whenever I want. She is usually to tired or drugged up to talk to. It's so, so hard. I wish life wasn't so cruel sometimes....
We are hopeful she will make it to see the baby, and be able to come here for the birth. I think Mom sometimes isn't sure she will make it. She's more depressed and then doesn't take as good care of herself.
Please send us prayers and good vibes, we could use it!
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Updates
Hello. I need a little journaling therapy!
A lot has been going on. My pregnancy is going fine, first of all. I am 17weeks 3 days pregnant, feeling baby kick :) It doesn't make me as anxious as I thought it would, but I'm not feeling strong kicks yet and once I do...well, not going to borrow trouble. I see my OB on Thurs and I'm hoping for an ultrasound and maybe finding out the gender! That would be great. If not we have our anatomy scan on Dec. 3rd. We will also be meeting with a specialist to discuss delivery options.
So. Not sure the last time I wrote...
My Mom has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We've known I think two months. It totally sucks. The tumor is large, and inoperable. It is terminal, all we can do is extend life by chemo/radiation. This is of course devastating news, and we all hope she will make it to meet our rainbow baby. She has undergone radiation and is undergoing chemo. It has been tough on her. She is very tired and needs help with daily living stuff.
On 11/6, I got a call that my grandfather had died. He was 87, and we were expecting it due to him having heart issues. It was of course sad, and I went down to my parents house (3 hours south of me). My Mom is not doing well, and was unable to travel and unable to be alone. So, since I was pregnant I elected to stay with Mom over the 12 hour car ride to Pennsylvania for the funeral. Mom wasn't looking good at all. Swollen legs, extreme fatigue, wasn't eating much and not peeing much. I took her to the doctor the next day due to her legs looking worse. She was then transported to the ER by an ambulance. She was admitted and spent a week at the hospital. Mom was sick, scared and did not want to be there. She thought it was the end. They discovered a large clot in her leg. Lots of tests and blood draws, and she was also dehydrated, anemic and low on potassium and magnesium. She also had a low red blood cell count. So, she got tons of fluids, blood thinners, antibiotics and a blood transfusion. She looked SO MUCH better. Her legs got better and her personality came back. I discharged her home, and that night we needed to go back because she got a nose bleed. Due to being on a blood thinner, we were told if she started to bleed we needed to get help ASAP. Luckily the bleeding stopped and we went home.
Since coming home, she is tired and a bit grumpy. She is also depressed (no doubt) and we've had a lot of conversations about this potentially being the last holiday she will be with us, not getting much time with the baby, and missing my sister's wedding and babies. It's so hard, and not fair. So, I was totally wiped out.
Aside from taking care of my Mom, I was taking care of a large house, wood stove and three animals. Traveling back and forth between the hospital, being emotional support for my Mom. I was exhausted, and still am. We came back late Thursday night and I worked half a day Friday, and am working today. I am exhausted. It feels better getting that all out. my work schedule/duties will be changing soon, which I am looking forward to. It will be less intense, I will have weekends off as well as holidays...plus a safer environment for my pregnancy. All and all a good thing.
Ok, back to work. I am so tired!!
A lot has been going on. My pregnancy is going fine, first of all. I am 17weeks 3 days pregnant, feeling baby kick :) It doesn't make me as anxious as I thought it would, but I'm not feeling strong kicks yet and once I do...well, not going to borrow trouble. I see my OB on Thurs and I'm hoping for an ultrasound and maybe finding out the gender! That would be great. If not we have our anatomy scan on Dec. 3rd. We will also be meeting with a specialist to discuss delivery options.
So. Not sure the last time I wrote...
My Mom has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We've known I think two months. It totally sucks. The tumor is large, and inoperable. It is terminal, all we can do is extend life by chemo/radiation. This is of course devastating news, and we all hope she will make it to meet our rainbow baby. She has undergone radiation and is undergoing chemo. It has been tough on her. She is very tired and needs help with daily living stuff.
On 11/6, I got a call that my grandfather had died. He was 87, and we were expecting it due to him having heart issues. It was of course sad, and I went down to my parents house (3 hours south of me). My Mom is not doing well, and was unable to travel and unable to be alone. So, since I was pregnant I elected to stay with Mom over the 12 hour car ride to Pennsylvania for the funeral. Mom wasn't looking good at all. Swollen legs, extreme fatigue, wasn't eating much and not peeing much. I took her to the doctor the next day due to her legs looking worse. She was then transported to the ER by an ambulance. She was admitted and spent a week at the hospital. Mom was sick, scared and did not want to be there. She thought it was the end. They discovered a large clot in her leg. Lots of tests and blood draws, and she was also dehydrated, anemic and low on potassium and magnesium. She also had a low red blood cell count. So, she got tons of fluids, blood thinners, antibiotics and a blood transfusion. She looked SO MUCH better. Her legs got better and her personality came back. I discharged her home, and that night we needed to go back because she got a nose bleed. Due to being on a blood thinner, we were told if she started to bleed we needed to get help ASAP. Luckily the bleeding stopped and we went home.
Since coming home, she is tired and a bit grumpy. She is also depressed (no doubt) and we've had a lot of conversations about this potentially being the last holiday she will be with us, not getting much time with the baby, and missing my sister's wedding and babies. It's so hard, and not fair. So, I was totally wiped out.
Aside from taking care of my Mom, I was taking care of a large house, wood stove and three animals. Traveling back and forth between the hospital, being emotional support for my Mom. I was exhausted, and still am. We came back late Thursday night and I worked half a day Friday, and am working today. I am exhausted. It feels better getting that all out. my work schedule/duties will be changing soon, which I am looking forward to. It will be less intense, I will have weekends off as well as holidays...plus a safer environment for my pregnancy. All and all a good thing.
Ok, back to work. I am so tired!!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Lots going on
Hello blog. So there has been a lot going on.
Baby and I are doing well. I've had two ultrasounds and the intake appointment with the nurse. Ultrasounds went well, baby is measuring on time. Looks like my offical due date will be April 22nd or around there. I see my OB (finally) on Thursday.
My appointment with the nurse didn't go so well. She brought us back, and asked if this was my first pregnancy. (She had my file right in front of her, as well as on the computer). I said no. She then asked if I breast fed my first. I am a very polite person, but nearly lost it when I said "she died". The nurse then looked at the computer and said "oh, it says it right there, fetal demise 36 weeks". She then made the excuse that "I didn't even know I was doing an interview this morning, so I didn't have a chance to read your file". She was non sympathic. I started crying and she said nothing. I WILL be talking with my OB about it. Totally not impressed, and unneccisary. Made me very upset.
Then, to top it all off my Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Yeah. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst types to get. She's had a biopsy, and it's spread to lymph nodes and major blood vessels. They said without treatment, 6 months. With treatment, 12-18 months. She's starting chemo tomorrow, for three weeks then three weeks of radiation. She's in a fair amount of pain and it is really hard to watch. We're all hopeful that she will get to meet the baby. It just totally sucks. I want my Mom to be able to be a grandmother. I'm not ready for her to go yet.
So, that's about all for now. My life has been very busy and intense. Really for some peace...
Baby and I are doing well. I've had two ultrasounds and the intake appointment with the nurse. Ultrasounds went well, baby is measuring on time. Looks like my offical due date will be April 22nd or around there. I see my OB (finally) on Thursday.
My appointment with the nurse didn't go so well. She brought us back, and asked if this was my first pregnancy. (She had my file right in front of her, as well as on the computer). I said no. She then asked if I breast fed my first. I am a very polite person, but nearly lost it when I said "she died". The nurse then looked at the computer and said "oh, it says it right there, fetal demise 36 weeks". She then made the excuse that "I didn't even know I was doing an interview this morning, so I didn't have a chance to read your file". She was non sympathic. I started crying and she said nothing. I WILL be talking with my OB about it. Totally not impressed, and unneccisary. Made me very upset.
Then, to top it all off my Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Yeah. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst types to get. She's had a biopsy, and it's spread to lymph nodes and major blood vessels. They said without treatment, 6 months. With treatment, 12-18 months. She's starting chemo tomorrow, for three weeks then three weeks of radiation. She's in a fair amount of pain and it is really hard to watch. We're all hopeful that she will get to meet the baby. It just totally sucks. I want my Mom to be able to be a grandmother. I'm not ready for her to go yet.
So, that's about all for now. My life has been very busy and intense. Really for some peace...
Monday, August 25, 2014
First ultrasound
Hello!
So after much anxiety, I had my first ultrasound today. We were relieved to see a heartbeat! It's early, so we were trying not to expect to see much, but there was that little flicker. So much relief. The tech was kinda awkward and said they aren't allowed to tell us much, but did say the heart rate was 95 (normal for so early). My husband thought he saw 6 weeks and something when they were measuring the baby. I'd also assume that since we saw a heart beat, we are right on track! He said my OB will call us in 3-5 days (I'd imagine sooner...). Then I'll get my offical due date. I'd assume between April 17th-20th. Fertility friend said April 19th which seems pretty accurate. Ok, offical first pic!! 8/25/14 (my Dad's birthday, extra sweet!)
He passed his first test with flying colors :)
(we feel this baby is a boy so I will probably refer to the baby as a him until we are sure). We're calling him our baby blob!
Here is our pregnancy test pic...Aug. 7th 2014
Grow, baby grow!
So after much anxiety, I had my first ultrasound today. We were relieved to see a heartbeat! It's early, so we were trying not to expect to see much, but there was that little flicker. So much relief. The tech was kinda awkward and said they aren't allowed to tell us much, but did say the heart rate was 95 (normal for so early). My husband thought he saw 6 weeks and something when they were measuring the baby. I'd also assume that since we saw a heart beat, we are right on track! He said my OB will call us in 3-5 days (I'd imagine sooner...). Then I'll get my offical due date. I'd assume between April 17th-20th. Fertility friend said April 19th which seems pretty accurate. Ok, offical first pic!! 8/25/14 (my Dad's birthday, extra sweet!)
He passed his first test with flying colors :)
(we feel this baby is a boy so I will probably refer to the baby as a him until we are sure). We're calling him our baby blob!
Here is our pregnancy test pic...Aug. 7th 2014
Grow, baby grow!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Anxiety
Hello.
I'm so anxious. Today I am 5 weeks 5 days pregnant. I feel like...this is all fake, and I'm not really pregnant. I'm worried about everything. I had betas done last week, and my doctor said they looked "terrific". That made me feel better, and at ease for a few days. I have an early ultrasound on Monday. I will be six weeks, 1 day. I know not to expect a heartbeat. I wish I was a few days ahead, then I might see a heartbeat. I am so anxious about it...if I don't see a heartbeat (which would be totally normal) I will be anxious until I do. I will worry that the baby isn't developing. I wish I could just fast forward time. I almost wish I didn't know so many people (online) who have had multiple miscarriages. It probably wouldn't be such a big worry if I didn't know so many. I feel like once I see the heartbeat, I am "really" pregnant. Then I feel like I can tell more people. So far, both sets of parents know, my sister, Ana's (and this baby's) Godmom, my other friend, my best friend and her husband, two people at work and my two supervisors. So...I guess that's a lot! Haha. I had to tell my supervisors because of the ultrasound on Monday. They both said they knew it! They had noticed I was giddy and more upbeat. I want everyone to know. I want this pregnancy to be real. I want it to feel real. Ugh...so many emotions! It's really odd...being pregnant, but not feeling fully pregnant. I wish I could fast forward time. I want to see my OB. I probably won't see her for a bit longer...the ultrasound is at the radiology department. They probably have better equipment there. I'm hoping if we don't see a heartbeat she will let me come in for another early ultrasound in a week or so to ensure the baby is growing. So much anxiety!! It would be so much easier if there was just a heartbeat on Monday! Blah.
Ok, enough whining for now.
I'm so anxious. Today I am 5 weeks 5 days pregnant. I feel like...this is all fake, and I'm not really pregnant. I'm worried about everything. I had betas done last week, and my doctor said they looked "terrific". That made me feel better, and at ease for a few days. I have an early ultrasound on Monday. I will be six weeks, 1 day. I know not to expect a heartbeat. I wish I was a few days ahead, then I might see a heartbeat. I am so anxious about it...if I don't see a heartbeat (which would be totally normal) I will be anxious until I do. I will worry that the baby isn't developing. I wish I could just fast forward time. I almost wish I didn't know so many people (online) who have had multiple miscarriages. It probably wouldn't be such a big worry if I didn't know so many. I feel like once I see the heartbeat, I am "really" pregnant. Then I feel like I can tell more people. So far, both sets of parents know, my sister, Ana's (and this baby's) Godmom, my other friend, my best friend and her husband, two people at work and my two supervisors. So...I guess that's a lot! Haha. I had to tell my supervisors because of the ultrasound on Monday. They both said they knew it! They had noticed I was giddy and more upbeat. I want everyone to know. I want this pregnancy to be real. I want it to feel real. Ugh...so many emotions! It's really odd...being pregnant, but not feeling fully pregnant. I wish I could fast forward time. I want to see my OB. I probably won't see her for a bit longer...the ultrasound is at the radiology department. They probably have better equipment there. I'm hoping if we don't see a heartbeat she will let me come in for another early ultrasound in a week or so to ensure the baby is growing. So much anxiety!! It would be so much easier if there was just a heartbeat on Monday! Blah.
Ok, enough whining for now.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Rainbows
Hello there!
WELL, on Aug 7th 2014, we discovered that we are PREGNANT! So excited, overwhelmed, scared, joyful! It's still sinking in. I almost think that having our appointment with Dr. R, and thinking we would need help to get pregnant, relaxed me enough. I really didn't have much hope for this cycle. WOW! I am so happy...it has been a long journey...17 months we've been trying. This baby is very much wanted. So, my due date for now is April 19th. I see Dr. R end of September (so far away!) for an ultrasound, and we'll see what dates that shows. We'll be induced at 37 weeks due to my high risk, so end of March. Another March baby :) That's ok with me!
This will be a very, long journey I'm sure. I have the support of my family, friends, and my online community thebump.com. Those ladies are wonderful. When I told my Mom she kept saying "really?! Ok....really?!! ok..." haha. Toby's parents got all choked up. It was really sweet. I'm only 4weeks 2 days, so really early on. Wish it would go faster. I almost feel like it's so early I'm only "kinda" pregnant. I know, silly. Pregnant is pregnant! Ok, so I have to run off to work. Also, strangely...we found out we were pregnant with Ana on July 7th, 2012, and with this one August 7th, 2014. Kinda cool.
I also peed on about 5 tests.... :) I will upload the "offical pee stick picture" once I get it off my phone.
WELL, on Aug 7th 2014, we discovered that we are PREGNANT! So excited, overwhelmed, scared, joyful! It's still sinking in. I almost think that having our appointment with Dr. R, and thinking we would need help to get pregnant, relaxed me enough. I really didn't have much hope for this cycle. WOW! I am so happy...it has been a long journey...17 months we've been trying. This baby is very much wanted. So, my due date for now is April 19th. I see Dr. R end of September (so far away!) for an ultrasound, and we'll see what dates that shows. We'll be induced at 37 weeks due to my high risk, so end of March. Another March baby :) That's ok with me!
This will be a very, long journey I'm sure. I have the support of my family, friends, and my online community thebump.com. Those ladies are wonderful. When I told my Mom she kept saying "really?! Ok....really?!! ok..." haha. Toby's parents got all choked up. It was really sweet. I'm only 4weeks 2 days, so really early on. Wish it would go faster. I almost feel like it's so early I'm only "kinda" pregnant. I know, silly. Pregnant is pregnant! Ok, so I have to run off to work. Also, strangely...we found out we were pregnant with Ana on July 7th, 2012, and with this one August 7th, 2014. Kinda cool.
I also peed on about 5 tests.... :) I will upload the "offical pee stick picture" once I get it off my phone.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Plan
So, we met with our OB, Dr. R on the 21st. I was really scared and anxious. I knew that we'd probably have to wait, she's busy and you never know when someone might go into labor. We did end up waiting for 45 minutes, which was like torture, being surrounded by pregnant ladies and memories from my pregnancy with Ana.
Finally she came in. She was not at all concerned that I was not pregnant yet. Our trying to concieve story goes somewhat like this... I was diagnosed with PCOS in college due to not getting my period for a few months. I was not concerned about fertility. In fact, it only took four months of trying, and two with charting my temperatures to get pregnant with Ana.
We wanted to try right away, and were cleared to try to get pregnant six weeks after Ana's birth. I was in no way prepared to get pregnant, but we were desperate to have a baby in our arms. We tried for six months unsuccessfully. I chart my temperatures, and it was clear I was not ovulating. I was also having really long cycles, up to 70 days. So, in October my primary doc and I decided I should go back on birth control pills. I cried like a baby when we made that decison, because the idea of preventing pregnancy was so depressing. I took birth control pills for three months, and started metformin. This regulated my cycles. In Janurary of 2014 we started trying again. I am ovulating, with an average of 32 day cycles. This is amazing.
So, back to Dr. R. In reality, even though we've been trying for our rainbow over a year, I've only been ovulating for 6 cycles. That is not long in the trying to concieve world. It can take a healthy couple up to a year to get pregnant. So, she says we should keep trying for 6 more months. At that point, we can consider clomid. She asked if I wanted it now, but I thought it was a bit premature, especially with no testing.
I've had a bunch of blood work, my thyroid, blood sugar all look great. Hormones seem to be balanced. Dr. R is checking my testosterone level. I've had an ultrasound in April due to some pain on my left ovary. Nothing was found and everything looked great. I asked about testing my husband, to check his sperm count. She didn't think this was necessary, as we've conceived before. However she said it wouldn't hurt, so we did that last week. Should get results hopefully by the end of the week. So, we've decided to try on our own a few more months. If we are still not pregnant, we'll explore clomid (if my husbands sperm is normal. If not, we'll explore IUI). So...that's the update.
I am just ready to move on to the next phase...staying up all night with a baby, vomit, poop, drool, baby giggles and smiles...I want it all. I miss Ana so much, and wish she could be here with us. I know she watches over us, but some days it's just not enough. I want to hold her. I hope she is proud of her Mommy and Daddy, and how strong we are. Ugh. I never thought I'd be the Mom of an angel (no one thinks that). Hopefully our rainbow of hope is on the way.
Finally she came in. She was not at all concerned that I was not pregnant yet. Our trying to concieve story goes somewhat like this... I was diagnosed with PCOS in college due to not getting my period for a few months. I was not concerned about fertility. In fact, it only took four months of trying, and two with charting my temperatures to get pregnant with Ana.
We wanted to try right away, and were cleared to try to get pregnant six weeks after Ana's birth. I was in no way prepared to get pregnant, but we were desperate to have a baby in our arms. We tried for six months unsuccessfully. I chart my temperatures, and it was clear I was not ovulating. I was also having really long cycles, up to 70 days. So, in October my primary doc and I decided I should go back on birth control pills. I cried like a baby when we made that decison, because the idea of preventing pregnancy was so depressing. I took birth control pills for three months, and started metformin. This regulated my cycles. In Janurary of 2014 we started trying again. I am ovulating, with an average of 32 day cycles. This is amazing.
So, back to Dr. R. In reality, even though we've been trying for our rainbow over a year, I've only been ovulating for 6 cycles. That is not long in the trying to concieve world. It can take a healthy couple up to a year to get pregnant. So, she says we should keep trying for 6 more months. At that point, we can consider clomid. She asked if I wanted it now, but I thought it was a bit premature, especially with no testing.
I've had a bunch of blood work, my thyroid, blood sugar all look great. Hormones seem to be balanced. Dr. R is checking my testosterone level. I've had an ultrasound in April due to some pain on my left ovary. Nothing was found and everything looked great. I asked about testing my husband, to check his sperm count. She didn't think this was necessary, as we've conceived before. However she said it wouldn't hurt, so we did that last week. Should get results hopefully by the end of the week. So, we've decided to try on our own a few more months. If we are still not pregnant, we'll explore clomid (if my husbands sperm is normal. If not, we'll explore IUI). So...that's the update.
I am just ready to move on to the next phase...staying up all night with a baby, vomit, poop, drool, baby giggles and smiles...I want it all. I miss Ana so much, and wish she could be here with us. I know she watches over us, but some days it's just not enough. I want to hold her. I hope she is proud of her Mommy and Daddy, and how strong we are. Ugh. I never thought I'd be the Mom of an angel (no one thinks that). Hopefully our rainbow of hope is on the way.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Updates
Hi blog, this might be cut short. I am at work but felt I needed to update. It's been a while. So, here we are in July. I am not pregnant yet. If I had gotten pregnant this cycle I would have had pretty much the same due date as Ana. It was an exciting but bittersweet possibility. When my period started, I really struggled with anxiety and depression. I'm doing a bit better now, but I was definitely struggling for a few days there. To the point I took my anxiety med (which I haven't taken in maybe 6 months). I've had one bottle (maybe 30 pills?) since I had Ana, and there is still some left so I take it pretty rarely. I was just overwhelmed, teary and anxious. Couldn't really identify why...aside from not being pregnant, hormones, and just coming back from a wonderful vacation.
My Mom made a good point. I have not truly relaxed since Ana died. Any gatherings/time off has been spent grieving. I took 5 days off and went to a cabin on a lake with my husband, my parents and my sister. It was awesome. I have not seen my family since Ana's birthday in March so it was much needed. A coworker commented it was to bad I was going with my family, and not just my husband. I was totally ok with it, and really enjoyed it. I love spending time with my family. I currently live 2.5 hours from them, and wish I lived closer. I kayaked with my sister, had a bon fire, many family meals and relaxing on the lake. I truly "let go' and was able to rest and relax. Then, I come back to stressful work, we only have 1 car so that has been really difficult. Plus, I kind of "came back" to my grief and it hit me hard. I reached out to a friend, who canceled on my three times. That send me spiraling, as I really needed/need a friend. But, I feel like I am on the mend.
We got my husband a car yesterday! This takes a lot of stress off of me, and he is so proud to own a car. His cars have always been pass downs from his parents, so for him to have his own car he has paid for is helping his self confidence. Plus I don't have to get up early to take him to work, or stay late at my job.
So, on July 21st I have an appointment with my OB. I love her. I'm due for my exam, and we're going to have the "what now" discussion. We've been trying for over a year. 6 months of that I was not ovulating, so I went on birth control and started metformin. It has been another six months that I have been ovulating and having regular cycles. So we'll see what she says. Probably just some preliminary testing right now. I don't think she'd recommend medication to help me ovulate, since I already am, but we'll see. I'll update you then.
So, that's what's going on. I miss my baby girl. She would be 16 months. It's totally not fair at all, and to not have my rainbow in my arms 16 months later is just cruel. Hopefully, I will be pregnant soon.
My Mom made a good point. I have not truly relaxed since Ana died. Any gatherings/time off has been spent grieving. I took 5 days off and went to a cabin on a lake with my husband, my parents and my sister. It was awesome. I have not seen my family since Ana's birthday in March so it was much needed. A coworker commented it was to bad I was going with my family, and not just my husband. I was totally ok with it, and really enjoyed it. I love spending time with my family. I currently live 2.5 hours from them, and wish I lived closer. I kayaked with my sister, had a bon fire, many family meals and relaxing on the lake. I truly "let go' and was able to rest and relax. Then, I come back to stressful work, we only have 1 car so that has been really difficult. Plus, I kind of "came back" to my grief and it hit me hard. I reached out to a friend, who canceled on my three times. That send me spiraling, as I really needed/need a friend. But, I feel like I am on the mend.
We got my husband a car yesterday! This takes a lot of stress off of me, and he is so proud to own a car. His cars have always been pass downs from his parents, so for him to have his own car he has paid for is helping his self confidence. Plus I don't have to get up early to take him to work, or stay late at my job.
So, on July 21st I have an appointment with my OB. I love her. I'm due for my exam, and we're going to have the "what now" discussion. We've been trying for over a year. 6 months of that I was not ovulating, so I went on birth control and started metformin. It has been another six months that I have been ovulating and having regular cycles. So we'll see what she says. Probably just some preliminary testing right now. I don't think she'd recommend medication to help me ovulate, since I already am, but we'll see. I'll update you then.
So, that's what's going on. I miss my baby girl. She would be 16 months. It's totally not fair at all, and to not have my rainbow in my arms 16 months later is just cruel. Hopefully, I will be pregnant soon.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Pics
Some pics from my phone. First time using mobile app lets see if it works!
For Ana's birthday, March second
Some of Ana's birthday flowers...
Update
Hello blog.
Been a while. I need to try and write more. So, we made it through Ana's birthday. It was a good day and we felt surrounded by love and support as we celebrated our daughter. Since then, spring has sprung in New England (for the most part). We continue to try and get pregnant. I've now been off birth control three months. I have had three, regular cycles! I've ovulated each time as well! This is a big feat for someone with PCOS. The metformin is working. Taking those three months to regulate on birth control was the right choice, just wish I had done it earlier. I know now that I wasn't ready to get pregnant until we past Ana's first birthday. I was not emotionally in the right place. We've been trying for a year (including the three months of birth control). That's been hard to wrap my mind around, but I try and remember that I've only been ovulating for three months. It took us four to get pregnant with Ana, and it can take a healthy couple a year to conceive. Remembering this helps keep me sane.
I made an appointment with my OB, the same OB who delivered Ana. I love her. However she is booked, and I'm not able to get in until July. But, that does give us three more months to try, and if by then we still haven't gotten pregnant we can talk about our options with her. I think I have a cyst. I'm getting an ultrasound to check it out, but my doc said it doesn't affect my fertility. I do have PCOS, (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) so it wouldn't be surprising. I also found out today I have lost 22lbs since last summer. I am happy with that, as is my doctor. I've been gluten free since Aug/Sept and that has really helped. I'm really not "trying" to lose weight, but it's happening. Now that it's nice out I'm going to up my exercise and try to get some more off. Also helps with my fertility, and my doc is so proud of me!
That's whats going on in my life. Missing my sweet girl, hopeful for my rainbow. I've begun dreaming of my rainbow baby (I see him as a boy). And they're not nightmares either! It's nice. :)
Been a while. I need to try and write more. So, we made it through Ana's birthday. It was a good day and we felt surrounded by love and support as we celebrated our daughter. Since then, spring has sprung in New England (for the most part). We continue to try and get pregnant. I've now been off birth control three months. I have had three, regular cycles! I've ovulated each time as well! This is a big feat for someone with PCOS. The metformin is working. Taking those three months to regulate on birth control was the right choice, just wish I had done it earlier. I know now that I wasn't ready to get pregnant until we past Ana's first birthday. I was not emotionally in the right place. We've been trying for a year (including the three months of birth control). That's been hard to wrap my mind around, but I try and remember that I've only been ovulating for three months. It took us four to get pregnant with Ana, and it can take a healthy couple a year to conceive. Remembering this helps keep me sane.
I made an appointment with my OB, the same OB who delivered Ana. I love her. However she is booked, and I'm not able to get in until July. But, that does give us three more months to try, and if by then we still haven't gotten pregnant we can talk about our options with her. I think I have a cyst. I'm getting an ultrasound to check it out, but my doc said it doesn't affect my fertility. I do have PCOS, (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) so it wouldn't be surprising. I also found out today I have lost 22lbs since last summer. I am happy with that, as is my doctor. I've been gluten free since Aug/Sept and that has really helped. I'm really not "trying" to lose weight, but it's happening. Now that it's nice out I'm going to up my exercise and try to get some more off. Also helps with my fertility, and my doc is so proud of me!
That's whats going on in my life. Missing my sweet girl, hopeful for my rainbow. I've begun dreaming of my rainbow baby (I see him as a boy). And they're not nightmares either! It's nice. :)
Monday, March 3, 2014
Birthday
Hi. Ana's 1st birthday was yesterday. Don't know if I have the energy to post all about it now. I'm at work, and emotionally exhausted. Overall it was a good weekend with family and friends. I made cupcakes, we did a balloon release, brought a balloon to her grave (through the snow and ice!) and I worked on her dried flowers. Here are some pics from the festivities, I'll write more later!
Ana's butterfly cupcakes
Ana's balloons
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Pretty girl...
Had to post a pic I took recently....been a while since we had flowers around. My sweet flower baby..
Updates
Hello world. Been a while since I updated, and I should get back ino it. We survived the holidays. It sucked, but we made it. It was quiet and we did different traditions to make it different. Last year we were very happy, I was very pregnant and we got mostly baby stuff. So, glad the holidays are done.
I felt good about 2014. New year, new hope. We started trying for our rainbow after three months on birth control to regulate my cycles. I was really hopeful for the first cycle (January). I haven't ovulated in so long, since I concieved Ana I believe. So, I actually ovulated which is a big deal! Plus I had a pretty normal cycle...I think it was 35 days. Which is amazing for me. All good things. I really, really want to be pregnant. It has been difficult...I have numerous pregnant friends, and just found out a friend from our support group is pregnant and due in April! Which is close to Ana's birthday, and we both lost daughters with due dates in March 2013. So I feel like i'm "behind" and I'm so jealous. Ugh.
February has been difficult. It's coming up to Ana's birthday, March 2nd. I'm more cranky, tired, my stomach has been bothering me. I'm teary and whiney. I can't believe a year has gone by. It makes me sad and depressed. Where has this year gone? I'm glad to see it go...but angry that I have lost a year of my life to grief and pain.
Ana's bday...less than a month away. They think she died a few days before her bday, so one of the last days in Feb. I'm nervous about it, and overwhelmed. I'm thinking we'll do cup cakes, with pink frosting...maybe little butterflies or something. My parents are coming up. I assume we'll invite my husband's parents. My sister. Probably Ana's godmother and my friend. We'll try to focus on the positive and celebrate her gifts to us. She lived, and we love her so much. I miss my baby girl and want desperately to have her with me. I've been struggling with what's "fair" and what I "deserve". Life isn't fair, and people don't get what they deserve. I deserve my daughter, and I deserve to be pregnant again. I will have my rainbow...I just need to be patient.
In honor of valentines day....the last holiday my daughter was alive for...
I felt good about 2014. New year, new hope. We started trying for our rainbow after three months on birth control to regulate my cycles. I was really hopeful for the first cycle (January). I haven't ovulated in so long, since I concieved Ana I believe. So, I actually ovulated which is a big deal! Plus I had a pretty normal cycle...I think it was 35 days. Which is amazing for me. All good things. I really, really want to be pregnant. It has been difficult...I have numerous pregnant friends, and just found out a friend from our support group is pregnant and due in April! Which is close to Ana's birthday, and we both lost daughters with due dates in March 2013. So I feel like i'm "behind" and I'm so jealous. Ugh.
February has been difficult. It's coming up to Ana's birthday, March 2nd. I'm more cranky, tired, my stomach has been bothering me. I'm teary and whiney. I can't believe a year has gone by. It makes me sad and depressed. Where has this year gone? I'm glad to see it go...but angry that I have lost a year of my life to grief and pain.
Ana's bday...less than a month away. They think she died a few days before her bday, so one of the last days in Feb. I'm nervous about it, and overwhelmed. I'm thinking we'll do cup cakes, with pink frosting...maybe little butterflies or something. My parents are coming up. I assume we'll invite my husband's parents. My sister. Probably Ana's godmother and my friend. We'll try to focus on the positive and celebrate her gifts to us. She lived, and we love her so much. I miss my baby girl and want desperately to have her with me. I've been struggling with what's "fair" and what I "deserve". Life isn't fair, and people don't get what they deserve. I deserve my daughter, and I deserve to be pregnant again. I will have my rainbow...I just need to be patient.
In honor of valentines day....the last holiday my daughter was alive for...
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