Monday, July 28, 2014

Plan

So, we met with our OB, Dr. R on the 21st. I was really scared and anxious. I knew that we'd probably have to wait, she's busy and you never know when someone might go into labor. We did end up waiting for 45 minutes, which was like torture, being surrounded by pregnant ladies and memories from my pregnancy with Ana.

Finally she came in. She was not at all concerned that I was not pregnant yet. Our trying to concieve story goes somewhat like this... I was diagnosed with PCOS in college due to not getting my period for a few months. I was not concerned about fertility. In fact, it only took four months of trying, and two with charting my temperatures to get pregnant with Ana.

We wanted to try right away, and were cleared to try to get pregnant six weeks after Ana's birth. I was in no way prepared to get pregnant, but we were desperate to have a baby in our arms. We tried for six months unsuccessfully. I chart my temperatures, and it was clear I was not ovulating. I was also having really long cycles, up to 70 days. So, in October my primary doc and I decided I should go back on birth control pills. I cried like a baby when we made that decison, because the idea of preventing pregnancy was so depressing. I took birth control pills for three months, and started metformin. This regulated my cycles. In Janurary of 2014 we started trying again. I am ovulating, with an average of 32 day cycles. This is amazing.

So, back to Dr. R. In reality, even though we've been trying for our rainbow over a year, I've only been ovulating for 6 cycles. That is not long in the trying to concieve world. It can take a healthy couple up to a year to get pregnant. So, she says we should keep trying for 6 more months. At that point, we can consider clomid. She asked if I wanted it now, but I thought it was a bit premature, especially with no testing.

I've had a bunch of blood work, my thyroid, blood sugar all look great. Hormones seem to be balanced. Dr. R is checking my testosterone level. I've had an ultrasound in April due to some pain on my left ovary. Nothing was found and everything looked great. I asked about testing my husband, to check his sperm count. She didn't think this was necessary, as we've conceived before. However she said it wouldn't hurt, so we did that last week. Should get results hopefully by the end of the week. So, we've decided to try on our own a few more months. If we are still not pregnant, we'll explore clomid (if my husbands sperm is normal. If not, we'll explore IUI). So...that's the update.

I am just ready to move on to the next phase...staying up all night with a baby, vomit, poop, drool, baby giggles and smiles...I want it all. I miss Ana so much, and wish she could be here with us. I know she watches over us, but some days it's just not enough. I want to hold her. I hope she is proud of her Mommy and Daddy, and how strong we are. Ugh. I never thought I'd be the Mom of an angel (no one thinks that). Hopefully our rainbow of hope is on the way.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Updates

Hi blog, this might be cut short. I am at work but felt I needed to update. It's been a while. So, here we are in July. I am not pregnant yet. If I had gotten pregnant this cycle I would have had pretty much the same due date as Ana. It was an exciting but bittersweet possibility. When my period started, I really struggled with anxiety and depression. I'm doing a bit better now, but I was definitely struggling for a few days there. To the point I took my anxiety med (which I haven't taken in maybe 6 months). I've had one bottle (maybe 30 pills?) since I had Ana, and there is still some left so I take it pretty rarely. I was just overwhelmed, teary and anxious. Couldn't really identify why...aside from not being pregnant, hormones, and just coming back from a wonderful vacation.

My Mom made a good point. I have not truly relaxed since Ana died. Any gatherings/time off has been spent grieving. I took 5 days off and went to a cabin on a lake with my husband, my parents and my sister. It was awesome. I have not seen my family since Ana's birthday in March so it was much needed. A coworker commented it was to bad I was going with my family, and not just my husband. I was totally ok with it, and really enjoyed it. I love spending time with my family. I currently live 2.5 hours from them, and wish I lived closer. I kayaked with my sister, had a bon fire, many family meals and relaxing on the lake. I truly "let go' and was able to rest and relax. Then, I come back to stressful work, we only have 1 car so that has been really difficult. Plus, I kind of "came back" to my grief and it hit me hard. I reached out to a friend, who canceled on my three times. That send me spiraling, as I really needed/need a friend. But, I feel like I am on the mend.

We got my husband a car yesterday! This takes a lot of stress off of me, and he is so proud to own a car. His cars have always been pass downs from his parents, so for him to have his own car he has paid for is helping his self confidence. Plus I don't have to get up early to take him to work, or stay late at my job.

So, on July 21st I have an appointment with my OB. I love her. I'm due for my exam, and we're going to have the "what now" discussion. We've been trying for over a year. 6 months of that I was not ovulating, so I went on birth control and started metformin. It has been another six months that I have been ovulating and having regular cycles. So we'll see what she says. Probably just some preliminary testing right now. I don't think she'd recommend medication to help me ovulate, since I already am, but we'll see. I'll update you then.

So, that's what's going on. I miss my baby girl. She would be 16 months. It's totally not fair at all, and to not have my rainbow in my arms 16 months later is just cruel. Hopefully, I will be pregnant soon.