Dreams

Hi blog. Trying to write more frequently. It helps. I had a bad dream last night about Ana. It's been a while, but after she died they were frequent. Usually involves going shopping and seeing the little girl stuff and realizing I can't buy any of it. Last night was similar, except I was going through her clothes. It is always in my childhood bedroom in my dreams...which I'm sure is significant. I'm going through her beautiful clothes, and I want to dress her. Then I remember she is buried and I can't. For  a split second I think of digging her up so I can dress her. I also think about dressing up a baby doll in her clothes then realize that is unhealthy. In the dream I start crying as I pile her clothes up. In a recent dream I was looking at boy clothes (I'm pretty sure our rainbow will be a boy) and found one of her dresses in with the boy clothes. It was so sad. Another common dream is that we have to move and take down her nursery. It sucks. Sometimes before I fall asleep I get intrusive thoughts, or almost like PTSD flashbacks. I see the ultrasound when we found out her heart stopped, or delivery, or her beautiful face. Or leaving her at the hospital. Or her little casket...I try really hard to stop those thoughts as they are disturbing. It's a constant battle to remain sane. I miss my little girl and I am really bitter. Everyone else seems to have their babies. Some don't even realize how lucky they are, and take their kids for granted. What really bothers me is when Mothers complain about being tired or unruly toddlers. I'd do anything to be in your position.

Ok I have to go to work and hoping that getting this out makes an easier day. Lets see if I can find a pretty picture to put in here...

This is one of my favorite pics I found...reminds me of my butterfly girl

Eight months

Hi blog. Today my angel would be eight months old. I cannot believe it has been that long. I feel like I am living in a fog...I am a robot. I am functioning, but barely. I do the bare minimum to get by. Now my physical, mental and spiritual health are suffering. I sometimes stuff my grief because it is so painful to acknowledge that my baby died. She's dead. I still cannot believe it eight months later. It's not fair at all. I recently found out I am sensitive to gluten as well as corn, beef and cane sugar. I started out trying to change my eating and became overwhelmed. Most days I feel sick, fat, tired and have hot flashes. I'm sure that diet is a part of this. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. This makes me feel dumb, and fat and unhealthy. I had a split second thought there I worried it might have affected Ana. I know it didn't, but that guilt sometimes sneaks up.

I've done something to my shoulder, no idea what but it hurts. My back hurts. I think I've gained weight and am retaining fluid. I feel foggy and yucky most of the time. I've gone through a lot of changes...aside from grieving, my new found food sensitivities, sleep apnea, taking a bunch of supplements, changed to a natural thyroid medicine, and started birth control. I didn't want to. I had to because I have PCOS and my cycles have been crazy since Ana. I don't think I was ovulating. So, we're on the pill until January. Then trying again. It's just not fair...some people don't even try and they get pregnant. We want a child so badly...we're good people, have good jobs and would be great parents. It's just not fair at all. I hate how people think grief is linear. I'm still grieving, my child is dead. How long would you grieve? The next few months will be hard..holidays, then nearing her birthday. I hope we get pregnant quickly so I at least have that to look forward to. I know I need to get healthy...I will feel much better. I just need to find the motivation.

I love you so much angel, and wish you were here in my arms. Thank you for the signs you give me. I know we will meet again. In the meantime, send me your siblings!!!

Missing her

Hello blog. I need to write more. My grief has piled up. Sometimes it is just to hard to grieve, and let myself feel those feelings. It piles up and overtakes me, starts impacting my life. I started to become more bitter and snappy at work. Less able to handle every day stress. It just hurts so much I don't want to face the pain. I know I have to, though. October has been hard. 7 months mark, pregnancy & infant loss month, our rememberance walk. Halloween is next week. The first outfit he bought her was a "my first halloween" onsie. This just sucks. I'm tired of people complaining about their kids. I'm tired of it all....  

Here is the poster from our remembrance walk. It was a great event and lots of people came out...

On the left is me with Ana after we decorated for fall. On the right is a picture from our local newspaper, me looking at my "Held Your Whole Life" necklace

Above, Me my husband and my sister on the day of the walk

Ana's balloon

 

 

I know I need to writer more, but that's all I got for now. I miss you so much angel girl!

Capture your grief

Hello. I'm participating in Carly Marie's "Capture Your Grief" project for infant/pregnancy loss awareness month. Today is day 2, "Identity". Here is my picture:

Anastasia Maeve. March 2nd, 2013 at 2:24pm. 5lbs 11oz, 181/2" long. Gorgeous girl with her Daddy's lips and cheeks, Mommy's nose and face shape. She had a flat butt, and long fingers. She had a lot of soft, light brown hair. She was perfect.

September

Hello sweet angel,
It's been six months. The six months mark was really, really hard. I didn't anticipate it to be so hard. Some days, I do really well and others I feel like I did that first week. Inconsolable, intense pain. Now, looking forward the the next six months and what those will look like. I cannot believe it is almost October. We found out you were a girl on Oct. 30th. Your 1st birthday is coming quick, I just cannot fathom. I was thinking earlier how the last 6, almost 7 months now have been a blur. Which is fine with me. I used to hate the passage of time, but now I could care less. Make it go fast. I want to fast forward to when I am pregnant with my rainbow.

Speaking of rainbows, I'm having a hard time getting pregnant. I don't think I'm ovulating. We've been trying 5 months. My doctor thinks I should go back on birthcontrol for three months to get regulated. While this makes sense to me, and is most likely the quickest and healthiest road to pregnancy, I broke down at her office. No, I don't want to go on the pill. Why can't I get pregnant like everyone else? (it seems). I know a lot of people whose children were not planned. I am so jealous. I should have a 6 month old. Totally sucks. I got my "Held Your Whole Life" necklace the other day. They make necklaces for Loss Moms. I love mine! Has a butterfly, and her birth stone aquamarine. I'll keep everyone updated. I miss Ana so, so so much. I know she is with me always.

And an ultrasound pic of Ana in September last year. I think this was 11 weeks? I remember her waving at us.

Prayer Flag

Hello world. Can't believe it's almost the end of August. Thinking of my baby girl (I do every day) but as we approach the six month mark, I'm having a harder time. Not sure why six months is significant, but it is. Half a year. She should be doing so much by now...smiling, cooing, sitting up. She should be teething and developing her personality. I should be the mother to a six month old. That is on my mind.

We participated in Aug 19th Day of Hope, started by Carlymarie. Here is the prayer flag we created, and her memorial area.

I look forward to creating a flag for her each year. My beautiful baby girl. She is the best daughter anyone could ask for. I miss you so much angel.

Baby girl

Still struggling. Missing my baby girl. Wanted to share my favorite picture of her. Her cute little butt...

Yesterday I bought a little piggy bank for her. We're collecting pennies and will donate them to March of Dimes or something like that. Here is her piggy bank on her little memorial area. I love Ana so, so much and just wish I could snuggle her.

Missing her

I'm sitting in my office, hiding from the co worker who just came back from maternity leave. I've switched jobs (but not agencies) so she doesn't know me. I spoke with my supervisor a few weeks ago and she said she would talk with this person before she came back to let her know about Ana. Well, apparently she didn't. She came in this morning talking about pumping, her pregnancy and signing to her baby. Really? When I see my supervisor tomorrow it will be hard when she asks how it went today because I might break down. Would it have been so hard to tell her? Why do I have to go through torture on top of my grief? Sometimes I just get so frustrated. I feel like hiding today. And I am, kind of. I should probably talk to her and tell her my story but I just don't feel like it. I told some co workers yesterday. I'm just tired. I don't want to make her upset either, but really I don't need the reminders of what I don't have. I had a lot of feelings today such as "she gets to have her baby" why not me? Makes me angry.

In other news, we're trying to conceive and I'm frustrated. I have long cycles and haven't regulated since giving birth. I'm not sure I've even ovulated since having Ana. I've had two periods (in 4 months). I had a positive ovulation test a few days ago but still didn't ovulate. I chart my temperatures so I know if/when I ovulate. It's just so, so annoying and frustrating. It didn't take much effort to get pregnant with Ana. I feel ready now. I wasn't before, and I can see that now. But, I am ready now so I want it to happen.

Ok, that's all from me for now.

5 Months

Five months, angel. I love you so much and cannot believe it has been this long. I am feeling hopeful today. I feel much more healthy then I have in a while. I am ready to be pregnant again. I am far enough away from your death to realize a new baby would not be you. I am ready to try, and feel joy and hope again. I saw a big rainbow today and I know your little brother (or sister, but I'm pretty sure a brother!) is near. Thank you angel for everything you have brought me and Daddy. Last night we went to a Lammas ritual (first harvest) and we went around saying what he were grateful for. It was really hard for Mommy to think of something I'm grateful for. I came up with family, and my improving health. Your Daddy was able to say he was thankful for you. I am too. Your Daddy is a strong, strong man. We're ready to move forward. You will always be our first, our precious little girl. I will always miss you. Some days will be really, really hard but I'm doing it. Are you proud of me? I know I have to live for both of us. I love you.

Searching for rainbows

Hi blog.
I miss Ana. We're getting close to the 5 month mark. She should be smiling at me. We planted some flowers at her grave this week, which  was nice. I've had a few more dreams about her lately. Usually it's about her stuff, particularly her clothes. Last night the dream was I had to go into her drawer to get something and all her little onsies were there. We haven't touched her room. Her door is usually closed, but I do go in once and a while. I feel I need to go in and make sure everything is still there. It feels like her room. Even though she was never there, I can feel her energy there. We put so much effort and love into her room. Here is a picture of Ana's nursery, the weekend finished it, a few days before we found out Ana passed.

Right now, my husband and I are focused on trying to conceive our rainbow. I have weird menstrual cycles so it's not as straight forward as I wished it was. It can be hard sometimes to hold onto hope, but I know we will have a take home baby. Here is a figurine I really like. I imagine Ana sending us our rainbow.

Ana's Father

Hello world,
Ana's father and my wonderful husband has started his own blog. The Father's journey through grief is shrouded in silence as most people focus on the Mother. My husband is grieving as well. Check out my husband's blog if you get a chance to see the loss of Anastasia through the eyes of her Father.
Anastasia's Legacy

Missing her

Hello blog.

Missing my baby today. I had bad nightmares last night. They don't come as often as they used to, but when they do they throw me off balance. Last night, I dreamed one of my close friends told me she was 9 months pregnant with a baby girl. I cried and sobbed and yelled at her. I was so mad at her for not telling me, and so angry that she was having a baby and I lost mine. Then another one I was at a store in the baby section. I was trying to avoid the area but couldn't. Some people who had a baby around the same time I did (in real life) where there, and they bought the same bottles I bought for Ana. I was mad and I couldn't escape. I think I also kept looking for Ana but I couldn't find her. I hate those dreams. I want my baby. If I can't have Ana, I want my rainbow baby. We've been trying for 2 1/2 months now to get pregnant, and while that isn't very long I'm still sad I'm not pregnant yet. I miss her so much, and want to use all of our baby things. I want to hold a living, breathing baby in my arms. I think that's it for now. Here is a pic my Aunt posted this morning, and I thought it was a great representation of what I am going through and what I need to remember....the rainbow after the storm.

Thoughts

     Hello. So, have been thinking of a few things I wanted to write about. I think I'll start with our support group, Empty Arms.

     We were given pamphlets when we found out Ana died, and when we delivered her. The pamphlets talked about a group the hospital sponsored support group called Empty Arms. It's a support group for grieving parents who suffered misscarriage/pregnancy loss, stillbirth and infant loss. We went to our first group I believe 3 weeks after our daughter was born. It was difficult, but really nice to meet people who had gone through similiar situations.
     What I also like about it is that there are various types of loss and stories. We are all grieving, but the circumstances are unique. We've met two others with a full term loss, one unexplained (like ours) and one due to a cord accident. There are numerous ladies who had early miscarriages. A few lost their babies in the second trimester, due to incompetent cervix or illness. One lost twins. One lost 2 daughters back to back for unknown reasons. A few have since adopted children. Some have infertility issues and used IVF to conceive another child. Some have had to make the terrible decision to terminate their pregnancy because of a fatal defect/genetic disorder. They are an amazing group of people who have truly helped me stay sane. They get it. They understand that intense, barely tolerable pain that only a person who has lost a child can understand. This has helped me and my husband tremendiously. We meet once a month for a formal group, and then every other month or so have an informal dinner gathering. We also do special events for Mother's day, and international baby loss day (Oct. 15th). I'm so happy we found them. I can ask questions that others might raise their eyebrows at. I can ask "is this normal?" or "did you experience this?" there is a multitude of experiences with family's reactions, reactions from co-workers and professionals. It helps to hear that others have struggled walking the path of a loss Mom/Dad.
      The world doesn't understand us. People hush when we walk by because they don't want to "bring it up" or make us cry. That hurts me the most. TALK ABOUT IT! Say my baby's name. I love to talk about her. I won't get to watch her grow up, so as often as I can talk about my beautiful angel the happier I am. Yes, I am sad. I am experincing heart wrenching, can't breathe, overwhelmed and shattering pain. I am never not grieving. It's ok to talk to me about it.
     Ok, off my soap box. I just have a hard time when people don't talk about the elphant in the room. It took my boss a month to aknowledge my loss once I returned to work. Numerous co-workers haven't yet. It's been 4 months.

Missing my angel each and every day....

Ana's stone

Ana's headstone came in this past week. It's perfect, just what we wanted. Strangely it came in the same week we found out we were pregnant last year (7/7/12). How much can change in 1 year....these two images give me goosebumps, but it's a good representation of what has happened this past year.

                                                                     July 7th, 2012

                                                                      July 7th, 2013

I love and miss you angel...

Beginings

Welcome to my blog, Honoring Ana. This blog is a space for me to grieve and honor my daughter, Anastasia Maeve, stillborn on March 2nd 2013 at 37 weeks. Ana is our first child, and when we learned her heart stopped beating, so did ours. I had a normal, healthy pregnancy and the reason for our daughter's death is unknown. Our doctor compared it to being struck by lightning, and the likelihood of it happening again is very slim. This of course does not erase my fear of this happening again in future pregnancies. We are currently trying to conceive our rainbow baby (those born after a loss).

I plan to use this blog as a place to share my journey through loss, grief and beyond. It's a place to remember my precious daughter, who though only lived for a short time and never took her first breath, has changed my, and my family's lives forever.

                                Anastasia Maeve Paradis March 2nd, 2013