Eight months

Hi blog. Today my angel would be eight months old. I cannot believe it has been that long. I feel like I am living in a fog...I am a robot. I am functioning, but barely. I do the bare minimum to get by. Now my physical, mental and spiritual health are suffering. I sometimes stuff my grief because it is so painful to acknowledge that my baby died. She's dead. I still cannot believe it eight months later. It's not fair at all. I recently found out I am sensitive to gluten as well as corn, beef and cane sugar. I started out trying to change my eating and became overwhelmed. Most days I feel sick, fat, tired and have hot flashes. I'm sure that diet is a part of this. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. This makes me feel dumb, and fat and unhealthy. I had a split second thought there I worried it might have affected Ana. I know it didn't, but that guilt sometimes sneaks up.

I've done something to my shoulder, no idea what but it hurts. My back hurts. I think I've gained weight and am retaining fluid. I feel foggy and yucky most of the time. I've gone through a lot of changes...aside from grieving, my new found food sensitivities, sleep apnea, taking a bunch of supplements, changed to a natural thyroid medicine, and started birth control. I didn't want to. I had to because I have PCOS and my cycles have been crazy since Ana. I don't think I was ovulating. So, we're on the pill until January. Then trying again. It's just not fair...some people don't even try and they get pregnant. We want a child so badly...we're good people, have good jobs and would be great parents. It's just not fair at all. I hate how people think grief is linear. I'm still grieving, my child is dead. How long would you grieve? The next few months will be hard..holidays, then nearing her birthday. I hope we get pregnant quickly so I at least have that to look forward to. I know I need to get healthy...I will feel much better. I just need to find the motivation.

I love you so much angel, and wish you were here in my arms. Thank you for the signs you give me. I know we will meet again. In the meantime, send me your siblings!!!