Dreams

Hi blog. Trying to write more frequently. It helps. I had a bad dream last night about Ana. It's been a while, but after she died they were frequent. Usually involves going shopping and seeing the little girl stuff and realizing I can't buy any of it. Last night was similar, except I was going through her clothes. It is always in my childhood bedroom in my dreams...which I'm sure is significant. I'm going through her beautiful clothes, and I want to dress her. Then I remember she is buried and I can't. For  a split second I think of digging her up so I can dress her. I also think about dressing up a baby doll in her clothes then realize that is unhealthy. In the dream I start crying as I pile her clothes up. In a recent dream I was looking at boy clothes (I'm pretty sure our rainbow will be a boy) and found one of her dresses in with the boy clothes. It was so sad. Another common dream is that we have to move and take down her nursery. It sucks. Sometimes before I fall asleep I get intrusive thoughts, or almost like PTSD flashbacks. I see the ultrasound when we found out her heart stopped, or delivery, or her beautiful face. Or leaving her at the hospital. Or her little casket...I try really hard to stop those thoughts as they are disturbing. It's a constant battle to remain sane. I miss my little girl and I am really bitter. Everyone else seems to have their babies. Some don't even realize how lucky they are, and take their kids for granted. What really bothers me is when Mothers complain about being tired or unruly toddlers. I'd do anything to be in your position.

Ok I have to go to work and hoping that getting this out makes an easier day. Lets see if I can find a pretty picture to put in here...

This is one of my favorite pics I found...reminds me of my butterfly girl