Struggles

Another one of those times where there is down time at work and I am struggling. Not really sure what's wrong with me. I am tired. I want my Mom, and my daughter. I had an interesting therapy session last night. I really like my counselor, she challenges me. However, I do think it is hard to be a counselor to someone who has lost a child without having lost a child yourself. she has always been empathetic, but I feel she pushes me to much sometimes.

She spoke with me about the move, and Ana's things. She wants to me understand that I don't need physical reminders of Ana to honor her. That if I change things, it won't dishonor her. I know that, but I also don't think there is a problem with having things of Ana's around. I think she was mostly concerned with my viewing Caden's room as "Ana and Caden's room". We are keeping the winnie the pooh theme, and I have had Ana's cross stitch up in "his/their room". She is worried that I will not be able to handle it when Caden says one day he doesn't want anything of Ana's...or accidentally breaks something of hers. I do see what she is saying. Caden is his own entity, apart from his sister. However I do see them as connected, a powerful storm and rainbow. A psychic told me they were twins in a previous life, which I believe. I understand one day he will want a big boy room, and he will not always have a picture of Ana, or his "rainbow baby" things on display. It was just a lot to think of at once. I think the hardest part is that Caden does not have a relationship with Ana. All she will be to him is a story. That will be difficult to manage as he gets older. These things are things I will need to deal with. However I feel like I can't right now. He is still a baby. I don't really see a problem with putting a few reminders of his guardian angel big sister in his room.

Living without your child is hard. Moving on without them is hard. Balancing your love for your living child, while preserving your dead child's memory is hard. I wish child death wasn't taboo and hard for people to talk about.

My therapist made an interesting comment. She said she wanted me, and my husband and son to feel "whole". Like, the three of us were a whole. I believe my son will feel like he is whole, that his family is a complete unit. I will never feel that way. I will be happy, but I will never feel complete. My daughter will always be missing, and I think that is one piece that someone who has not lost a child cannot understand. My family pictures will never be whole because Ana is missing. I really don't think that feeling will ever change. Is that wrong? I don't know. I get angry when people challenge me with my grief, I think because I feel they are saying I should be over it, or further along anyway. I believe there is no right or wrong way to manage your grief. If you are hurting yourself or others, obviously that is unhealthy. I think people who have not lost a child get "weirded out" when you celebrate a dead baby's birthday, or put up pictures of your dead baby, or cry about your dead baby three years later. Like, you should just get on with it, be happy you have a living child and leave your dead child in the past.

Meh. When it comes down to it, I am looking for validation. Someone to say, "wow, you get up every day and go to work?" "you are still alive and have a smile on your face most of the time?". I want people to realize how hard those simple things can be. To live. To get up everyday, without your child and live. It's very hard and I want that to be recognized.


I should go back to work. Feels good to get some of this out.

Bored.

Hi blog. I have noticed that days where I work at the high school are more difficult. It's quieter, the days seem to go slower and I am not close with the coworkers here. Makes for a long day. When it's quiet, my thoughts get going. This isn't healthy for me as it usually brings up negative thoughts/memories. I went to our loss group last week, and there was a new Mom who had lost her 9.5 mo old son. It was really difficult to hear. I might need to take a step back, as it brings loss and grief to the forefront of my mind. My therapist suggested it as well, but I got a little defensive as the group has been a big help for me. I need to be careful though to not surround myself with those fresh in their grief, as it makes me sad.

We've started moving stuff. My husband had his first emotional moment, thinking about the nursery. We looked at the new house and Caden's room will definitely need another coat of paint, so I am hoping that will help with the transition. We also have a winnie the pooh border to put up. I will still think of it as Ana and Caden's room. We already put one of her butterflies in the front garden.

I'm tired. Sure has been a lot of stress and change lately. Went home to Kennebunk this past weekend. It's always nice to see my family, but does make me miss my Mom. Things would be so much better if she were here. She was the head of the family, the planner. I miss that. It makes me very sad that she doesn't know Caden, but happy that she is with Ana.

I guess I should do some work. One foot in front of the other...

Blog therapy

In need of some blogging therapy. Been an interesting few days. I got my period, days earlier than expected. This was our second month trying and once again, I was hopeful. Not sure how not to be...how to not get disappointed when I don't get pregnant. I think having lost Ana, and then taking a year and a half to get pregnant again was hard on me, changed the way I think.

I need to relax. I know I can get pregnant again, it will just take a little time. Other stuff is going on that I think is making this more difficult. We're moving in 2 weeks. I have begun the task of packing Ana's things. Her pictures around the house, the nursery. I've gotten everything except one picture, her cross stitch and the wall decal done. For years I have worried about having to take down that decal. I don't really know why it is so hard. It was the finishing touch on her room. Its become sort of a symbol of her. My sister's tattoo looks a lot like it. Her winnie the pooh room. I put a lot of thought into it. I'm not sure I can actually take it down. Toby might have too. He put it up three years ago, and he'll take it down.

so...there is that stress. Also, my friends little boy that she just adopted is having health issues. It's really scary. Reminds me of how precious life is. That's enough stress to make someone a little crazy I suppose :) Plus mundane stuff, such as packing, cleaning, money. Missing my Mom too.

Nighmares... keep having nightmares that Mom has brain cancer and it was changing her personality. I had a real bad one a few nights ago about going to visit Ana. In my dream world, you were allowed to visit your dead family a year after they died. They were unburied and you could see them. So, we saw Ana and got to carry her around. Ana looked the same as the day I left her, and I wondered how that was possible. I put her in her carrier and we carried her around. I think I snuggled with her on my bed. Then, we had to bring her back. I brought her back to the funeral home and had a hard time saying goodbye (obviously). I kept going back to kiss her and the funeral director lady was getting frustrated with me. I had another nightmare recently that I went to see another OB, because I was pregnant. But, I was sharing my history with the new OB (who was a bitch) and mentioned I had a 12 week miscarriage. I know it was just  dream, but it scared me.

Meh. I hope I start to feel more positive over the next few days. I am looking forward to moving. More space. One of the first things I will do is set up "Ana's space". I will also pick a spot for a garden outside for her. Ana's garden :)

Visit

It's weird to sit on your grave as a 30 year old. I remember how strange it was to pick our plot, and discuss headstones. We decided to just do a stone for Ana, as it was to strange to have our names on a headstone before we were 30. However, there is no place I'd rather be for eternety than next to my daughter and husband.

I brought my son to visit his sister. He's been there before but usually asleep. We played in the grass, touched the stone and played with her butterfly.

It was very bittersweet, to have both my babies in the same space. It makes me sad that he will never know her. That they won't grow up together. I am happy though that we have this space we can go remember her. I'm looking forward to future picnics and chasing butterflies here with my living children.

Health

I should blog more. I've always enjoyed writing and journaling, and with Caden it is difficult to find time to put pen to paper. However I have down time at work and could get some stuff out. I've always dealt with anxiety/depression, and my life the past three years hasn't been easy. Some days I just feel overwhelmed and sad. I miss my mother. It's stressful times that I miss her the most. I just want to hear her voice, get her advice. I trusted her 100%. I want her to know Caden. She would have been an awesome grandmother. I want her to be there for Sam and my Dad. She missed out on so much and it is not fair. I worry that if I have another loss, I won't make it without my Mom. Like I said, I've always been anxious but since losing Ana it's been amped up.

I worry about Caden dying all the time. I worry he'll die from SIDS at night or in his car seat. I worry about car accidents, and falls. it's a daily thing. Sometimes it's really obsessive irrational worry. I have to work hard to keep my head on straight. Caden hasn't been the easiest either. He has asthma, and has been hospitalized three times in his first year. That's hard on any mama, but a loss mama it's harder.

I worry people are forgetting Ana. Or don't care about her. I think of her every day. I had a difficult time with her third birthday last month. I guess I know now how much I am missing out. How she'd no longer be a baby...that she is forever stuck as a newborn in my mind, as I watch her little brother grow. It sucks.

We have some positive things coming...like we are moving to a much bigger place, with four bedrooms, a pool and huge deck. We will have room for more children if we are lucky enough to get pregnant. I'm terrified of losing another child. It just sucks..there is no other way to describe it.

My friend who is adopting a baby, he isn't doing well. He is having some heart issues and it's devastating. I am praying that he will be alright. She is a loss mom too, and her mother also died from cancer last year. I am worried about her ability to cope with this, though I know she is strong. Prayers would be appreciated.

I think that's it for now. I need to work on my mental health and physical health. Heck, throw spiritual in there too. I am not eating well or exercising. It's finally getting warmer and I can start walking. I am also joining the Y this summer. It will be good for me, especially if I am trying to get pregnant again.

Ok..that's it for now.

Trying again

Hello blog. Been a while. Been a rough few months. Made it through Ana's birthday. She would have been three. This year was difficult for some reason. Much harder than two. Maybe because she'd be so much more grown up? No longer the little baby I know... maybe because now I truly know what I've lost. Caden just turned one, and we were planning his first birthday party. Made me think about the her parties that should have been. Visited the memorial, and her grave. Brought her a pinwheel like we do each spring. I made a butterfly cake, and we went to dinner. We got her a huge 3 balloon, and put it on her grave. Miss her very much.

We are moving in a few weeks. That means taking down the nursery. While I now see it as mostly Caden's room, it was hers first. I'm having the hardest time with the pooh decal. It will be destroyed when we take it down (not reuseable). We will try to save the little butterfly part, and frame it. Would be nice to have a piece of it with us at our new house. I know that Ana isn't in that room. I know her spirit is always with us, and will follow us to our new house. It is just difficult. Our townhouse holds so many memories. We started our family here. It is also the last place my Mom visited. To move to a place my Mom has never been is kind of strange. I know it seems silly, but I think about those types of things. We'll see how we do.

Another thing...we are trying for another baby. I have always wanted three children. I knew before we even started to try for Ana that I would have a girl named Ana, then a boy named Caden and then a girl named Willow. So far, that has been correct. Ana dying destroyed my picture of my future perfect  family. I don't know now how many children we will have, if I can get through another pregnancy. The anxiety is terrible, and nine months is a long time! However I want Caden to have a living sibling. I think I can do it one more time. If we want more than that, we'd be open to adoption. I'm worried it will take another 1.5 years to get pregnant. Probably won't though, as I am not nearly as anxious and obsessed. We'll see.

My friend just adopted a newborn, so exciting! I'd love to adopt one day, since I am adopted. She is also a fellow loss mom and I am so, so happy for her.

Our new house has garden space, and I am thinking of having an "Ana garden". Put one of her butterflies there, flowers. It will be nice. :) one day I want to plant a tree for her, I'm thinking dogwood. Something with pink blossoms.

Ok, back to work