Struggles

Another one of those times where there is down time at work and I am struggling. Not really sure what's wrong with me. I am tired. I want my Mom, and my daughter. I had an interesting therapy session last night. I really like my counselor, she challenges me. However, I do think it is hard to be a counselor to someone who has lost a child without having lost a child yourself. she has always been empathetic, but I feel she pushes me to much sometimes.

She spoke with me about the move, and Ana's things. She wants to me understand that I don't need physical reminders of Ana to honor her. That if I change things, it won't dishonor her. I know that, but I also don't think there is a problem with having things of Ana's around. I think she was mostly concerned with my viewing Caden's room as "Ana and Caden's room". We are keeping the winnie the pooh theme, and I have had Ana's cross stitch up in "his/their room". She is worried that I will not be able to handle it when Caden says one day he doesn't want anything of Ana's...or accidentally breaks something of hers. I do see what she is saying. Caden is his own entity, apart from his sister. However I do see them as connected, a powerful storm and rainbow. A psychic told me they were twins in a previous life, which I believe. I understand one day he will want a big boy room, and he will not always have a picture of Ana, or his "rainbow baby" things on display. It was just a lot to think of at once. I think the hardest part is that Caden does not have a relationship with Ana. All she will be to him is a story. That will be difficult to manage as he gets older. These things are things I will need to deal with. However I feel like I can't right now. He is still a baby. I don't really see a problem with putting a few reminders of his guardian angel big sister in his room.

Living without your child is hard. Moving on without them is hard. Balancing your love for your living child, while preserving your dead child's memory is hard. I wish child death wasn't taboo and hard for people to talk about.

My therapist made an interesting comment. She said she wanted me, and my husband and son to feel "whole". Like, the three of us were a whole. I believe my son will feel like he is whole, that his family is a complete unit. I will never feel that way. I will be happy, but I will never feel complete. My daughter will always be missing, and I think that is one piece that someone who has not lost a child cannot understand. My family pictures will never be whole because Ana is missing. I really don't think that feeling will ever change. Is that wrong? I don't know. I get angry when people challenge me with my grief, I think because I feel they are saying I should be over it, or further along anyway. I believe there is no right or wrong way to manage your grief. If you are hurting yourself or others, obviously that is unhealthy. I think people who have not lost a child get "weirded out" when you celebrate a dead baby's birthday, or put up pictures of your dead baby, or cry about your dead baby three years later. Like, you should just get on with it, be happy you have a living child and leave your dead child in the past.

Meh. When it comes down to it, I am looking for validation. Someone to say, "wow, you get up every day and go to work?" "you are still alive and have a smile on your face most of the time?". I want people to realize how hard those simple things can be. To live. To get up everyday, without your child and live. It's very hard and I want that to be recognized.


I should go back to work. Feels good to get some of this out.