Trying again

Hello blog. Been a while. Been a rough few months. Made it through Ana's birthday. She would have been three. This year was difficult for some reason. Much harder than two. Maybe because she'd be so much more grown up? No longer the little baby I know... maybe because now I truly know what I've lost. Caden just turned one, and we were planning his first birthday party. Made me think about the her parties that should have been. Visited the memorial, and her grave. Brought her a pinwheel like we do each spring. I made a butterfly cake, and we went to dinner. We got her a huge 3 balloon, and put it on her grave. Miss her very much.

We are moving in a few weeks. That means taking down the nursery. While I now see it as mostly Caden's room, it was hers first. I'm having the hardest time with the pooh decal. It will be destroyed when we take it down (not reuseable). We will try to save the little butterfly part, and frame it. Would be nice to have a piece of it with us at our new house. I know that Ana isn't in that room. I know her spirit is always with us, and will follow us to our new house. It is just difficult. Our townhouse holds so many memories. We started our family here. It is also the last place my Mom visited. To move to a place my Mom has never been is kind of strange. I know it seems silly, but I think about those types of things. We'll see how we do.

Another thing...we are trying for another baby. I have always wanted three children. I knew before we even started to try for Ana that I would have a girl named Ana, then a boy named Caden and then a girl named Willow. So far, that has been correct. Ana dying destroyed my picture of my future perfect  family. I don't know now how many children we will have, if I can get through another pregnancy. The anxiety is terrible, and nine months is a long time! However I want Caden to have a living sibling. I think I can do it one more time. If we want more than that, we'd be open to adoption. I'm worried it will take another 1.5 years to get pregnant. Probably won't though, as I am not nearly as anxious and obsessed. We'll see.

My friend just adopted a newborn, so exciting! I'd love to adopt one day, since I am adopted. She is also a fellow loss mom and I am so, so happy for her.

Our new house has garden space, and I am thinking of having an "Ana garden". Put one of her butterflies there, flowers. It will be nice. :) one day I want to plant a tree for her, I'm thinking dogwood. Something with pink blossoms.

Ok, back to work