Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Triggers

Hello blog. Had a pretty good memorial day weekend. It was quiet...first quiet weekend in a long time. It was kind of strange actually to have nothing to do. Took a couple walks which was nice. Had some Mom dreams that were kind of weird. Don't really remember them just that Mom popped in and out. Some of it involved Caden and baby things. I sure do miss Mom. Doing relay for life this friday, that should be fun (and emotional I'm sure).

Trigger this morning. Completely random. There was a picture and article on yahoo about a migrant baby who died...I didn't read it, but sounds like it was a child who fell off a boat trying to come to the US. The picture actually shows the dead baby. Cue PTSD and depression. All it took. I need to be really careful about news stories. They can totally mess up my day and throw me off. I just cannot take it right now. My anxiety about Caden dying is always there, he slept in his bed all night two nights ago, and of course I thought first "he's dead". I'm able to not obsess beyond the initial thought, which is good! but, it is still an automatic thought frequently. I wonder if that will ever change, or will I always have to deal with this? I've always had anxiety. I am actually meeting with a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week, per recommendation from my therapist. I am interested in clarifying my diagnosis and re-evaluating medication. In the past I've been treated for depression/anxiety, but I really think it is more OCD/anxiety at this point. Due to the intrusive/obsessional thoughts. We'll see. I'm not wanting to go on a bunch of med trials...did that in high school and it was terrible. But, If I can actually get an accurate portrait of what I am dealing with, that would be a great first step.

I believe the grief I am experiencing is normal. However, couple that with OCD and anxiety (as well as postpartum), it gets difficult to manage. I'll let you know how that goes.

Back to work. 11 more days of school...I can do it!

Friday, May 27, 2016

Little helper

So, went to see Maureen Hancock last night, for the 3rd time. Wish I could find a place where I wrote exactly what she said the first time we saw her. It was amazing. The first time we saw her was 2013, about six months after she passed. She came in right at the end, with a teenage girl named Ashley who passed from a brain aneurism. I have since connected on FB with Ashley's Mom and we keep in touch. Ashley's Mom said Ashley always wanted to be a Mom, and was good with babies.

That first time Maureen got her name, said A-N-A. Then got that she died shortly before birth. Then said butterfly tattoo, she's with us always. I think there was more, but I can't remember. It was quick but powerful.

The second time, Ana didn't come through but Ashley did, and she brought another baby through! It was amazing...and very similar to our story, parents had a stillborn baby, had a tattoo of a butterfly! It was so cool. Again, Ashley came in last and brought a baby. It was super neat.

This time, Ashley's Mom couldn't come but other kid spirits came through. A few three year old boys, which I found interesting as Ana would be three. Plus, we were in the same section (there were at least 300 people there). Then, towards the end she said "who lost a daughter? A baby". We raised our hands. "At birth? Full term?". Yes. She came a bit closer and was reading another Mom with one of the three year olds. She then said "who lost twins?" I raised my hand, as one of my friends/coworkers lost twin boys last year. I also have another friend who lost a boy and girl twins. Maureen asked about   the twins footprints, in a tattoo. The Mom has the boys foot prints on her arm. :) It was awesome. Short and sweet, but needed! Now Ana is the one helping other kids come through. Totally amazing! Proud of my girl. She always sneaks in. She is a powerful energy, but I know too that she wants to make sure others get a chance. I was a little sad that my Mom didn't come through, but I know that my friend needed to hear from her boys, and Ana and Mom made that happen.

Ok, back to work! Love my little angel girl!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Messages...

Going through old Facebook messages and wanted to write these down so I don't forget!! These are from friends....

"I had a dream this morning with you and Tobin in a field filled with beautiful flowers and butterflies flying all around. That's really all I remember"

"I had the strangest dream...my son Ryan was pushing your little Anastasia in a swing...it was a bed swing hanging from the most beautiful tree I have ever seen with white netting all around it and little lights holding the netting in the right places maybe they were fairies not sure. There were yellow flowers on the tree but not a flower I could identify. She was happy your little one and my son was happy and smiling as if to say i am taking care of her."

"I feel that your daughter is all around you...almost like buzzing like a bee is what I am getting. She's smiling!"

Seeing Maureen Hancock tonight. I was trying to find where I wrote down what she said last time. Couldn't find it...hmm.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

31.

Today I am 31. Never thought my life would look like this. I sometimes still think I am 27. I was 27 when I lost Ana. Like I legitimately think I am 27 or 28 when asked, then I have to add. Last few years have been odd, but also filled with blessings. I had my son at 29. I hope 31 is a good year... I can't believe I am that old. Most days I still feel 20.

The move..... made it. Wasn't sure there for a while. This weekend we did the last push to clean the apartment. It was not easy. More work than anticipated, a cranky baby and emotional. We took down the 100 acre wood map, and it tore a little and folded in on itself. I lost it, sobbed. Had to leave the room. Toby was able to fix it and save it, which was nice. It was just a culmination of everything...leaving the place we became a family, missing Ana and my Mom. Fear of change and the unknown. So, made it through that day. Then the next day we took the other decal down, that isn't reusable. I actually did OK with that, knowing we couldn't save it. Toby was able to save part of the butterfly. I did lose it trying to clean the kitchen...Caden was screaming and I was so overwhelmed. I yelled at him. I felt terrible. I left and went for a walk and Toby took over. It was just so overwhelming, I hit my wall. To much to manage. But, we made it. It's done. We now just have one house. Its a nice house and we're settling in. Doesn't quite feel like home yet, but it's getting there.

Mothers day brunch.... for empty arms. Went well, and fun. Made birdhouses for the babies. I hung mine on our front bush. I put a little fairy on it. Had nice conversations with other Moms who "got it". Got to talk with a fellow loss Mom who just had her rainbow, he is 5 weeks old. Her angel daughter died in April last year at 40 weeks due to an issue with her cord. It was nice to talk to another Mom with a young one, talk about the intense conflicting emotions of missing our children while holding our blessings. Next event is fathers day planting at the memorial, and we'll be doing a butterfly release. That will be nice!

Trying again.... so we've been trying for three months for another baby. I've had two very odd cycles, that were short. Like, got my period three days earlier than expected. That's not good. I'm seeing my doc Thursday. It's given me a lot of anxiety, I jump to conclusions that I will need help conceiving and it will be really difficult. I need to calm the hell down. :(

Ok, that's it for now. Counseling tonight. It will be nice to process this stuff with her.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Therapy

Hello again.

It has been a very long week. With the move, sore back, therapy and doctor appointments it has been crazy. Work is very busy. I had a bunch of kids added to my case load which has not been helping the stress level. Running after kids, being hit/scratched...sure makes for a long day! I do love my job though, it can just be really intense. Had a kiddo and her Mom MIA for a while, which really worried me. Luckily we found them and they were OK.

Therapy has been intense lately. I think my therapist things all my issues are grief related. Any anxiety stems back to my grief. I'm not entirely sure about that, but maybe. She pushes me to move forward, not get stuck. I go back and forth between understanding the need to do so, and resisting/disagreeing with her. She is worried I am focused on physical things of Anas. I don't really see a problem with that. She is worried about Caden and how we focus on Ana with him. I don't really see issue with that either, at least right now. I also don't like how she uses the term moving on, she understands that I will never forget Ana but she seems to want me to kind of "down play" Ana I guess? Hard to describe. I think it's hard for her to put herself in my place, having never lost a child. She did tear up when she was telling me that Ana never knew fear, was always loved and cradled. Made me cry too. It's hard work, grief. I know I have stuffed some of it. I know I am still bitter, and want others to remember my pain. I guess it comes from wanting others to remember my daughter, but also realizing how hard it has been. I need that support and acknowledgment. Acknowledgement is important. Acknowledging her existence, and my pain.


Ok, that's all for right now, back to busy busy work. Hoping to enjoy some outside time this weekend.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Moving

ok, so we did it! Saturday we moved all our stuff over. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I do feel though that I am going to have a breakdown, or at least a good cry about it soon. I'm just to tried and busy to think about it right now. That first night at the new house, I felt sad. Missed the comfort of home, and our routine. I set up Ana's new area. It's not quite the same, need to find new spots for things. I also moved my Mom's ashes...how awkward haha. I just want to hear her voice, get her advice. The move is making me miss my Mom more. I wish she could see our new place. She'd be happy, and proud of me. My Dad came up to help which was nice. I miss him too....hopefully will see more of him this summer.

Next task is cleaning the old place, and taking down the pooh decal. It will be hard but I think that moving slowly has been helpful. Small steps. Moved her box, and I kept having flashes of having a fire at the new house and it burning. That would be so terrible. I am still having flashes/intrusive thoughts about Caden dying as well. Happens more when I am stressed. I'm scared the TV/bookcase/pictures will fall on him, and he'll die. He cut his ankle on some glass last night, he is fine and I actually did ok. There is also a pool at the house. It's gated and actually hard for an adult to get in (gate sticks) but of course I still worry about him drowning. It's terrible. I wonder if I will have to deal with this the rest of my life? Maybe the anxiety will ease in time. I have therapy tomorrow, so it will be good to process.

It's been hard to do this alone. My husband and I work different schedules, so he is home when I work and then he works weekends. We never have a day off together, and it's starting to wear on me. Especially with the move, having to do it in small bits alone with the baby. Wew. I am tired. I hope he can have a day off soon. That would be nice. I really wished he was home yesterday, so we could settle in the new house together. But, I only have 4 1/2 weeks left of school. Then we will have a lot of time together, and I really think that will help my mental health. I also need to get more active, and make better food choices. I've been having stomach issues, I'm sure stress doesn't help.

I keep having nightmares. Last night in my dream my friend lost twin boys. She was walking them in a stroller, and they were hit by a car. The babies had been born early, and needed help, but they were doing well. I think the theme of the dream was that bad things happen, for no reason. The twins had made it through being born early, and then were hit by a car. Life isn't fair.

Alright, back to work.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Final push

This Saturday will be the final push in the move. We'll be sleeping at our new home this weekend. I'm handling it ok so far. Not really much time to think about it, we're so busy.

Work is insane...meetings, kids decompensating. Multiple calls to DHHS this week, and they aren't doing anything. Kids have no running water? Electricity? Heat? Have to go to the bathroom outside? Ok. That's fine. Been more emotional lately I think because of the hard stuff these kids are going through. It's hard to leave it at work.

Caden is doing well, growing all the time. It's crazy. He is looking like a toddler and not a baby anymore. Soon he will be talking and walking. I got some gifts from my grandmother, a few of them butterfly themed :) Very special. My birth father also sent me his baby blanket and spoon/fork.

My friend's baby is having heart surgery soon. Scary stuff. I had a nightmare about it the other day. He was clawing his face off, it was terrible. No dreams about Ana lately, or pregnancy loss which is nice. Mom always pops up at least twice a week. Packing up the last few things...Ana's last picture Ive kept out, my Moms ashes... so strange. I think it will probably all hit me after we move. I cannot wait for the summer, time off to reflect, heal and work on me. This job is very stressful, and I believe I have put my grief on the back burner. My therapist thinks so too. When I am so busy, I am not as depressed and thinking about death. My anxiety is better. BUT, I also think that I am not dealing with it. I need to address those feelings and let them go.

Mothers day was OK. Busy moving and painting. Then went to dinner with my husband, son and my in-laws. It was nice. I was pretty distracted. Definitely thought of my Mom and Ana.

This is the last opportunity to get pregnant while in this house...for whatever reason that seems important to me. I know it really doesn't matter, but I thought it would be cool to have gotten pregnant with all my kids in the same place. Kind of like a full circle. I got pregnant a month after moving in, then got pregnant with Caden here as well. I think this next pregnancy will be my last. It is very stressful being pregnant after loss. If we want more kids we'd probably pursue adoption. We'll see. It would be special too I suppose to get pregnant at the new house, new beginnings...

Alright, back to work. Just my random thoughts for the day.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Thoughts

Hello blog. More blog therapy time!

I had a recent nightmare that I lost another child, and that I was "destined" to have lost 2 children. In the dream I really believed this, and when I woke up it took a little while to shake it off. I really don't know if I could live through another loss. I try not to think about it, as the likelihood of it happening again are extremely slim. Meh. I think I will always struggle with that worry. The other day a picture frame fell over on Caden, and the glass shattered everywhere. He was unharmed, amazingly. Of course made me worry about how he could have been seriously hurt. I hate anxiety.

Therapy again today. We'll see how that goes. Last week was kind of intense. I had a negative thought  last night. My stomach was upset and my back hurt. I was thinking of all the stress of moving. I thought briefly, why bother? Why live this life with constant pain, annoyances and grief? It was just brief. Of course there are very happy moments in my life, but when I am in that dark place it can be difficult to see it. I do not want to die, I am not at risk. I could not do that to my son or husband. I just wish the pain would go away. Maybe it's because it's may and we're moving I am having such a hard time. This spring has sucked! Lots of triggers. I need to snap out of it. I feel this underlying feeling that I shouldn't be struggling so much. It's been three years. should I be so easily triggered? I guess it stems from what I assume other people are thinking. I worry they think I am stuck, or focus to much on my daughter... should that matter? no. I think about it a lot though. I think it goes deeper than just the loss of Ana...my whole life is different. This is not the life I imagined. It's such much harder than anticipated! I guess once you feel that pain of losing a child, your view of the world changes. I think overall, it is simply that fact that is making it so hard for me to be joyful again.

I am just rambling. It's hard to put these feelings into words. It really has gotten easier since that first year, I just think I am in a rut. I think trying to get pregnant again is bringing up fear. Work is very busy, last chunk of the school year and there are a lot of meetings. Kids are worn out and acting up. Teachers are fried and crispy with the kids. I am looking forward to time off, and time to focus on me. Healing. Gardening, sunlight, the ocean, swimming, writing...will do me good. Time with my precious boy, showing him the wonders of the world. He says goodnight to Ana and my Mom with my husband. It's sweet He giggles at my mom's picture, and actually waved to Ana last night on his own. It was cute.

Mother's day is this coming weekend. Hadn't really thought about it. We're i the process of moving and Toby works Sunday. Maybe we'll grab dinner though. I love my two children so much. I want to talk about them, brag... only one you can see, the other lives in my heart..