Triggers

Hello blog. Had a pretty good memorial day weekend. It was quiet...first quiet weekend in a long time. It was kind of strange actually to have nothing to do. Took a couple walks which was nice. Had some Mom dreams that were kind of weird. Don't really remember them just that Mom popped in and out. Some of it involved Caden and baby things. I sure do miss Mom. Doing relay for life this friday, that should be fun (and emotional I'm sure).

Trigger this morning. Completely random. There was a picture and article on yahoo about a migrant baby who died...I didn't read it, but sounds like it was a child who fell off a boat trying to come to the US. The picture actually shows the dead baby. Cue PTSD and depression. All it took. I need to be really careful about news stories. They can totally mess up my day and throw me off. I just cannot take it right now. My anxiety about Caden dying is always there, he slept in his bed all night two nights ago, and of course I thought first "he's dead". I'm able to not obsess beyond the initial thought, which is good! but, it is still an automatic thought frequently. I wonder if that will ever change, or will I always have to deal with this? I've always had anxiety. I am actually meeting with a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week, per recommendation from my therapist. I am interested in clarifying my diagnosis and re-evaluating medication. In the past I've been treated for depression/anxiety, but I really think it is more OCD/anxiety at this point. Due to the intrusive/obsessional thoughts. We'll see. I'm not wanting to go on a bunch of med trials...did that in high school and it was terrible. But, If I can actually get an accurate portrait of what I am dealing with, that would be a great first step.

I believe the grief I am experiencing is normal. However, couple that with OCD and anxiety (as well as postpartum), it gets difficult to manage. I'll let you know how that goes.

Back to work. 11 more days of school...I can do it!