31.

Today I am 31. Never thought my life would look like this. I sometimes still think I am 27. I was 27 when I lost Ana. Like I legitimately think I am 27 or 28 when asked, then I have to add. Last few years have been odd, but also filled with blessings. I had my son at 29. I hope 31 is a good year... I can't believe I am that old. Most days I still feel 20.

The move..... made it. Wasn't sure there for a while. This weekend we did the last push to clean the apartment. It was not easy. More work than anticipated, a cranky baby and emotional. We took down the 100 acre wood map, and it tore a little and folded in on itself. I lost it, sobbed. Had to leave the room. Toby was able to fix it and save it, which was nice. It was just a culmination of everything...leaving the place we became a family, missing Ana and my Mom. Fear of change and the unknown. So, made it through that day. Then the next day we took the other decal down, that isn't reusable. I actually did OK with that, knowing we couldn't save it. Toby was able to save part of the butterfly. I did lose it trying to clean the kitchen...Caden was screaming and I was so overwhelmed. I yelled at him. I felt terrible. I left and went for a walk and Toby took over. It was just so overwhelming, I hit my wall. To much to manage. But, we made it. It's done. We now just have one house. Its a nice house and we're settling in. Doesn't quite feel like home yet, but it's getting there.

Mothers day brunch.... for empty arms. Went well, and fun. Made birdhouses for the babies. I hung mine on our front bush. I put a little fairy on it. Had nice conversations with other Moms who "got it". Got to talk with a fellow loss Mom who just had her rainbow, he is 5 weeks old. Her angel daughter died in April last year at 40 weeks due to an issue with her cord. It was nice to talk to another Mom with a young one, talk about the intense conflicting emotions of missing our children while holding our blessings. Next event is fathers day planting at the memorial, and we'll be doing a butterfly release. That will be nice!

Trying again.... so we've been trying for three months for another baby. I've had two very odd cycles, that were short. Like, got my period three days earlier than expected. That's not good. I'm seeing my doc Thursday. It's given me a lot of anxiety, I jump to conclusions that I will need help conceiving and it will be really difficult. I need to calm the hell down. :(

Ok, that's it for now. Counseling tonight. It will be nice to process this stuff with her.