Thoughts

Hello blog. More blog therapy time!

I had a recent nightmare that I lost another child, and that I was "destined" to have lost 2 children. In the dream I really believed this, and when I woke up it took a little while to shake it off. I really don't know if I could live through another loss. I try not to think about it, as the likelihood of it happening again are extremely slim. Meh. I think I will always struggle with that worry. The other day a picture frame fell over on Caden, and the glass shattered everywhere. He was unharmed, amazingly. Of course made me worry about how he could have been seriously hurt. I hate anxiety.

Therapy again today. We'll see how that goes. Last week was kind of intense. I had a negative thought  last night. My stomach was upset and my back hurt. I was thinking of all the stress of moving. I thought briefly, why bother? Why live this life with constant pain, annoyances and grief? It was just brief. Of course there are very happy moments in my life, but when I am in that dark place it can be difficult to see it. I do not want to die, I am not at risk. I could not do that to my son or husband. I just wish the pain would go away. Maybe it's because it's may and we're moving I am having such a hard time. This spring has sucked! Lots of triggers. I need to snap out of it. I feel this underlying feeling that I shouldn't be struggling so much. It's been three years. should I be so easily triggered? I guess it stems from what I assume other people are thinking. I worry they think I am stuck, or focus to much on my daughter... should that matter? no. I think about it a lot though. I think it goes deeper than just the loss of Ana...my whole life is different. This is not the life I imagined. It's such much harder than anticipated! I guess once you feel that pain of losing a child, your view of the world changes. I think overall, it is simply that fact that is making it so hard for me to be joyful again.

I am just rambling. It's hard to put these feelings into words. It really has gotten easier since that first year, I just think I am in a rut. I think trying to get pregnant again is bringing up fear. Work is very busy, last chunk of the school year and there are a lot of meetings. Kids are worn out and acting up. Teachers are fried and crispy with the kids. I am looking forward to time off, and time to focus on me. Healing. Gardening, sunlight, the ocean, swimming, writing...will do me good. Time with my precious boy, showing him the wonders of the world. He says goodnight to Ana and my Mom with my husband. It's sweet He giggles at my mom's picture, and actually waved to Ana last night on his own. It was cute.

Mother's day is this coming weekend. Hadn't really thought about it. We're i the process of moving and Toby works Sunday. Maybe we'll grab dinner though. I love my two children so much. I want to talk about them, brag... only one you can see, the other lives in my heart..