Moving

ok, so we did it! Saturday we moved all our stuff over. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I do feel though that I am going to have a breakdown, or at least a good cry about it soon. I'm just to tried and busy to think about it right now. That first night at the new house, I felt sad. Missed the comfort of home, and our routine. I set up Ana's new area. It's not quite the same, need to find new spots for things. I also moved my Mom's ashes...how awkward haha. I just want to hear her voice, get her advice. The move is making me miss my Mom more. I wish she could see our new place. She'd be happy, and proud of me. My Dad came up to help which was nice. I miss him too....hopefully will see more of him this summer.

Next task is cleaning the old place, and taking down the pooh decal. It will be hard but I think that moving slowly has been helpful. Small steps. Moved her box, and I kept having flashes of having a fire at the new house and it burning. That would be so terrible. I am still having flashes/intrusive thoughts about Caden dying as well. Happens more when I am stressed. I'm scared the TV/bookcase/pictures will fall on him, and he'll die. He cut his ankle on some glass last night, he is fine and I actually did ok. There is also a pool at the house. It's gated and actually hard for an adult to get in (gate sticks) but of course I still worry about him drowning. It's terrible. I wonder if I will have to deal with this the rest of my life? Maybe the anxiety will ease in time. I have therapy tomorrow, so it will be good to process.

It's been hard to do this alone. My husband and I work different schedules, so he is home when I work and then he works weekends. We never have a day off together, and it's starting to wear on me. Especially with the move, having to do it in small bits alone with the baby. Wew. I am tired. I hope he can have a day off soon. That would be nice. I really wished he was home yesterday, so we could settle in the new house together. But, I only have 4 1/2 weeks left of school. Then we will have a lot of time together, and I really think that will help my mental health. I also need to get more active, and make better food choices. I've been having stomach issues, I'm sure stress doesn't help.

I keep having nightmares. Last night in my dream my friend lost twin boys. She was walking them in a stroller, and they were hit by a car. The babies had been born early, and needed help, but they were doing well. I think the theme of the dream was that bad things happen, for no reason. The twins had made it through being born early, and then were hit by a car. Life isn't fair.

Alright, back to work.