I am doing better. That med was nuts and made me feel crazy. I feel more like me now. I still am having anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Its better than feeling like shit though, and not being able to sleep. I see my doc next week. We will discuss options then, but I am not going to try more medications like that. I don't know what other options I have but I do not want to feel like that.
It's hot. I am over the summer heat. I am looking forward to fall, not going back to work but the cool crisp air. Being hot has always made me cranky. I am having issues with a tooth and need a root canal...not fun at all! Getting that done tomorrow. Trying to get things done before back to school in three weeks. It will be nice for a fresh start to work, and to be more busy.
I see my OB next week. The one who delivered Ana and Caden. I love her. She is a very kind woman. I am going to ask about my cycle issues and see what she thinks. We've also turned in our adoption application to DHS, and have been finger printed. Our references have been contacted. I'm thinking we'll be licensed as a foster/adoptive home in Dec or Jan at the earliest. If I get pregnant before then we'll just put adoption on hold. I still want to adopt eventually.
I guess that's really it for now. Did I write about the dream I had a little while ago? Don't think I did. Well, I had a dream that my friend gave birth to twin girls, who were healthy (she lost her twin boys last year). Then I was at some type of church gathering with my children. I had a boy, about 5 or 6 named Sam. I had the distinct impression he was adopted. Caden wasn't there, but Ana was! She was about 13, and was upset that she wouldn't be able to be a teenager on earth, so she was going to be a teenager in heaven! She had a big attitude and my friend went to go talk with her. It was cool :)
That's all for now :)
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Monday, August 1, 2016
Pills
Hello.
This will be somewhat of a rant, as it is past midnight and I cannot sleep. So, my doc put me on some new meds to help with my intrusive thoughts/anxiety. It has been a roller coaster of a few weeks trying two different meds. One made me sick so I stopped. This one has been interesting. The first day I was sedated. Then, the last four nights I cannot sleep before 1 or 2am despite feeling tired. It's like inside is going and buzzing...it is unpleasant. My mind feels hyper focused but not in a good way. I am tired. This was what I was nervous about...becoming a guinea pig. Yes, I do believe I need help. my anxiety/trauma/depression/what ever label you want to use has gotten worse since having my son. I think a lot of it is trauma related, and fear of losing him. I'm in therapy with a good therapist. Though sometimes she pushes a little to hard.
I trust myself. I know myself. I know what is best for myself, even if I don't act on it. I know that I need to eat healthier, and exercise. I know that will improve both my mood and how I feel physically (worn out, stomach issues, dizzy, nauseous). I need to take care of myself.
I know my doctor and my therapist would like me to give the meds longer to work, or increase the dose to see if that helps. But seriously...I feel so fucked up. I feel high, or...out of it. It's really hard to describe. It feels like I'm anticipating something but can't identify it. Damn and I tired. I have an apt. next week with her so I'll talk with her then. I'm done taking that med. Done. Gotta trust myself that that is what is best. I don't want to deal with those scary thoughts though..the intrusive images of my son dead. No, I don't want to live like that. There has got to be other ways to manage it than drugs. I have had success on antidepressants and anxiety medications but it is not touching these thoughts, and the drugs they have me on right now are not helping.
I should really try sleeping but I feel like I just lay there and think and squirm and it's uncomfortable. I know my son will be awake in a few hours and I will be cranky and tired. I just hope this med comes out of my system quickly.
I am going to try to come up with some sort of health plan. More varied diet, with more fruit and veggies. Supplements, exercise. Maybe essential oils. More meditating, getting reconnected with my spiritual self. I know it will at least help.
I am so tired.
This will be somewhat of a rant, as it is past midnight and I cannot sleep. So, my doc put me on some new meds to help with my intrusive thoughts/anxiety. It has been a roller coaster of a few weeks trying two different meds. One made me sick so I stopped. This one has been interesting. The first day I was sedated. Then, the last four nights I cannot sleep before 1 or 2am despite feeling tired. It's like inside is going and buzzing...it is unpleasant. My mind feels hyper focused but not in a good way. I am tired. This was what I was nervous about...becoming a guinea pig. Yes, I do believe I need help. my anxiety/trauma/depression/what ever label you want to use has gotten worse since having my son. I think a lot of it is trauma related, and fear of losing him. I'm in therapy with a good therapist. Though sometimes she pushes a little to hard.
I trust myself. I know myself. I know what is best for myself, even if I don't act on it. I know that I need to eat healthier, and exercise. I know that will improve both my mood and how I feel physically (worn out, stomach issues, dizzy, nauseous). I need to take care of myself.
I know my doctor and my therapist would like me to give the meds longer to work, or increase the dose to see if that helps. But seriously...I feel so fucked up. I feel high, or...out of it. It's really hard to describe. It feels like I'm anticipating something but can't identify it. Damn and I tired. I have an apt. next week with her so I'll talk with her then. I'm done taking that med. Done. Gotta trust myself that that is what is best. I don't want to deal with those scary thoughts though..the intrusive images of my son dead. No, I don't want to live like that. There has got to be other ways to manage it than drugs. I have had success on antidepressants and anxiety medications but it is not touching these thoughts, and the drugs they have me on right now are not helping.
I should really try sleeping but I feel like I just lay there and think and squirm and it's uncomfortable. I know my son will be awake in a few hours and I will be cranky and tired. I just hope this med comes out of my system quickly.
I am going to try to come up with some sort of health plan. More varied diet, with more fruit and veggies. Supplements, exercise. Maybe essential oils. More meditating, getting reconnected with my spiritual self. I know it will at least help.
I am so tired.
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