Pills

Hello.
This will be somewhat of a rant, as it is past midnight and I cannot sleep. So, my doc put me on some new meds to help with my intrusive thoughts/anxiety. It has been a roller coaster of a few weeks trying two different meds. One made me sick so I stopped. This one has been interesting. The first day I was sedated. Then, the last four nights I cannot sleep before 1 or 2am despite feeling tired. It's like inside is going and buzzing...it is unpleasant. My mind feels hyper focused but not in a good way. I am tired. This was what I was nervous about...becoming a guinea pig. Yes, I do believe I need help. my anxiety/trauma/depression/what ever label you want to use has gotten worse since having my son. I think a lot of it is trauma related, and fear of losing him. I'm in therapy with a good therapist. Though sometimes she pushes a little to hard.

I trust myself. I know myself. I know what is best for myself, even if I don't act on it. I know that I need to eat healthier, and exercise. I know that will improve both my mood and how I feel physically (worn out, stomach issues, dizzy, nauseous). I need to take care of myself.

I know my doctor and my therapist would like me to give the meds longer to work, or increase the dose to see if that helps. But seriously...I feel so fucked up. I feel high, or...out of it. It's really hard to describe. It feels like I'm anticipating something but can't identify it. Damn and I tired. I have an apt. next week with her so I'll talk with her then. I'm done taking that med. Done. Gotta trust myself that that is what is best. I don't want to deal with those scary thoughts though..the intrusive images of my son dead. No, I don't want to live like that. There has got to be other ways to manage it than drugs. I have had success on antidepressants and anxiety medications but it is not touching these thoughts, and the drugs they have me on right now are not helping.

I should really try sleeping but I feel like I just lay there and think and squirm and it's uncomfortable. I know my son will be awake in a few hours and I will be cranky and tired. I just hope this med comes out of my system quickly.

I am going to try to come up with some sort of health plan. More varied diet, with more fruit and veggies. Supplements, exercise. Maybe essential oils. More meditating, getting reconnected with my spiritual self. I know it will at least help.

I am so tired.