Saturday, February 8, 2014
Pretty girl...
Had to post a pic I took recently....been a while since we had flowers around. My sweet flower baby..
Updates
Hello world. Been a while since I updated, and I should get back ino it. We survived the holidays. It sucked, but we made it. It was quiet and we did different traditions to make it different. Last year we were very happy, I was very pregnant and we got mostly baby stuff. So, glad the holidays are done.
I felt good about 2014. New year, new hope. We started trying for our rainbow after three months on birth control to regulate my cycles. I was really hopeful for the first cycle (January). I haven't ovulated in so long, since I concieved Ana I believe. So, I actually ovulated which is a big deal! Plus I had a pretty normal cycle...I think it was 35 days. Which is amazing for me. All good things. I really, really want to be pregnant. It has been difficult...I have numerous pregnant friends, and just found out a friend from our support group is pregnant and due in April! Which is close to Ana's birthday, and we both lost daughters with due dates in March 2013. So I feel like i'm "behind" and I'm so jealous. Ugh.
February has been difficult. It's coming up to Ana's birthday, March 2nd. I'm more cranky, tired, my stomach has been bothering me. I'm teary and whiney. I can't believe a year has gone by. It makes me sad and depressed. Where has this year gone? I'm glad to see it go...but angry that I have lost a year of my life to grief and pain.
Ana's bday...less than a month away. They think she died a few days before her bday, so one of the last days in Feb. I'm nervous about it, and overwhelmed. I'm thinking we'll do cup cakes, with pink frosting...maybe little butterflies or something. My parents are coming up. I assume we'll invite my husband's parents. My sister. Probably Ana's godmother and my friend. We'll try to focus on the positive and celebrate her gifts to us. She lived, and we love her so much. I miss my baby girl and want desperately to have her with me. I've been struggling with what's "fair" and what I "deserve". Life isn't fair, and people don't get what they deserve. I deserve my daughter, and I deserve to be pregnant again. I will have my rainbow...I just need to be patient.
In honor of valentines day....the last holiday my daughter was alive for...
I felt good about 2014. New year, new hope. We started trying for our rainbow after three months on birth control to regulate my cycles. I was really hopeful for the first cycle (January). I haven't ovulated in so long, since I concieved Ana I believe. So, I actually ovulated which is a big deal! Plus I had a pretty normal cycle...I think it was 35 days. Which is amazing for me. All good things. I really, really want to be pregnant. It has been difficult...I have numerous pregnant friends, and just found out a friend from our support group is pregnant and due in April! Which is close to Ana's birthday, and we both lost daughters with due dates in March 2013. So I feel like i'm "behind" and I'm so jealous. Ugh.
February has been difficult. It's coming up to Ana's birthday, March 2nd. I'm more cranky, tired, my stomach has been bothering me. I'm teary and whiney. I can't believe a year has gone by. It makes me sad and depressed. Where has this year gone? I'm glad to see it go...but angry that I have lost a year of my life to grief and pain.
Ana's bday...less than a month away. They think she died a few days before her bday, so one of the last days in Feb. I'm nervous about it, and overwhelmed. I'm thinking we'll do cup cakes, with pink frosting...maybe little butterflies or something. My parents are coming up. I assume we'll invite my husband's parents. My sister. Probably Ana's godmother and my friend. We'll try to focus on the positive and celebrate her gifts to us. She lived, and we love her so much. I miss my baby girl and want desperately to have her with me. I've been struggling with what's "fair" and what I "deserve". Life isn't fair, and people don't get what they deserve. I deserve my daughter, and I deserve to be pregnant again. I will have my rainbow...I just need to be patient.
In honor of valentines day....the last holiday my daughter was alive for...
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