Prayer Flag

Hello world. Can't believe it's almost the end of August. Thinking of my baby girl (I do every day) but as we approach the six month mark, I'm having a harder time. Not sure why six months is significant, but it is. Half a year. She should be doing so much by now...smiling, cooing, sitting up. She should be teething and developing her personality. I should be the mother to a six month old. That is on my mind.

We participated in Aug 19th Day of Hope, started by Carlymarie. Here is the prayer flag we created, and her memorial area.

I look forward to creating a flag for her each year. My beautiful baby girl. She is the best daughter anyone could ask for. I miss you so much angel.

Baby girl

Still struggling. Missing my baby girl. Wanted to share my favorite picture of her. Her cute little butt...

Yesterday I bought a little piggy bank for her. We're collecting pennies and will donate them to March of Dimes or something like that. Here is her piggy bank on her little memorial area. I love Ana so, so much and just wish I could snuggle her.

Missing her

I'm sitting in my office, hiding from the co worker who just came back from maternity leave. I've switched jobs (but not agencies) so she doesn't know me. I spoke with my supervisor a few weeks ago and she said she would talk with this person before she came back to let her know about Ana. Well, apparently she didn't. She came in this morning talking about pumping, her pregnancy and signing to her baby. Really? When I see my supervisor tomorrow it will be hard when she asks how it went today because I might break down. Would it have been so hard to tell her? Why do I have to go through torture on top of my grief? Sometimes I just get so frustrated. I feel like hiding today. And I am, kind of. I should probably talk to her and tell her my story but I just don't feel like it. I told some co workers yesterday. I'm just tired. I don't want to make her upset either, but really I don't need the reminders of what I don't have. I had a lot of feelings today such as "she gets to have her baby" why not me? Makes me angry.

In other news, we're trying to conceive and I'm frustrated. I have long cycles and haven't regulated since giving birth. I'm not sure I've even ovulated since having Ana. I've had two periods (in 4 months). I had a positive ovulation test a few days ago but still didn't ovulate. I chart my temperatures so I know if/when I ovulate. It's just so, so annoying and frustrating. It didn't take much effort to get pregnant with Ana. I feel ready now. I wasn't before, and I can see that now. But, I am ready now so I want it to happen.

Ok, that's all from me for now.

5 Months

Five months, angel. I love you so much and cannot believe it has been this long. I am feeling hopeful today. I feel much more healthy then I have in a while. I am ready to be pregnant again. I am far enough away from your death to realize a new baby would not be you. I am ready to try, and feel joy and hope again. I saw a big rainbow today and I know your little brother (or sister, but I'm pretty sure a brother!) is near. Thank you angel for everything you have brought me and Daddy. Last night we went to a Lammas ritual (first harvest) and we went around saying what he were grateful for. It was really hard for Mommy to think of something I'm grateful for. I came up with family, and my improving health. Your Daddy was able to say he was thankful for you. I am too. Your Daddy is a strong, strong man. We're ready to move forward. You will always be our first, our precious little girl. I will always miss you. Some days will be really, really hard but I'm doing it. Are you proud of me? I know I have to live for both of us. I love you.