Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Losses

Hi blog.

I am doing well physically. Baby is doing well. Lots of movement, and he is definitely developing a little personality :)

My Mom became really ill around Dec. 10th. She had gone for a CAT scan to check on her tumor. They discovered the cancer, despite chemo and radiation, had spread to her liver. They also discovered a blood clot in her lung. She was admitted to the hospital and they began to treat the blood clot. She began to feel better, but by the 11th/12th began to struggle with other things, such as being tired and not eating or going to the bathroom. By the 14th we knew something was wrong and she had stopped urinating completely. The docs said her kidneys were shutting down. We tried treating that aggressively, but because of the cancer it was not affective. She became less and less aware of what was going on and slept most of the time. On the morning of Dec 16th, we knew she was not going to make it much longer. We switched from treatment to comfort measures, as she was dying and in pain. I rushed up to an OB appointment, because that's what she would have wanted to do. Before I left, I told her I loved her, and she said "I love you too". Those were the last words she spoke to me. I came back after my appointment (2.5 hours away) and she passed that night, surrounded by family and love. One of her last words had been "pizza" so we had a pizza party in her room for dinner. Hopefully she was able to smell it atleast! We talked and joked with her while her breathing slowed down, and she eventually passed. It was peaceful and there was no pain.

It all happened so much faster than we thought it would. We anticipated another six months. We anticipated she would be here in April when my rainbow was born. So, while we knew she was dying, we had a lot left undone. I bought her a recordable book for Caden that she didn't get to do, I bought both my sister and myself a Grandmother memory book I was going to have her do. That didn't get filled out either. Mom was knitting a rainbow blanket for Caden that didn't get done. Her best friend will be finishing it for us, which is so sweet.

I am in shock. Her funeral is the 30th. She had SO many friends and coworkers who loved her. My Aunts have been up as well, and I feel supported by our families. It's just so hard, and I keep forgetting she died. I keep thinking "oh I want to text Mom about that" or "I should call Mom". Then I'll remember. Totally sucks. She was a major source of support for me, and has been my whole life. When I am upset I prefer to talk to her over my husband! I'm much better about that now, but she has always been my go-to person. It is going to be hard to get through this pregnancy without her. I am more scared now that the baby will die. I think it's more fear that if something DID happen, I don't have her here to help me like she did with Ana. My Mom really helped me get through Ana's death. She practically lived with me for two weeks, then came up for weekends. I love her so much. She was an amazing Mom.

I know she is now my guardian angel, holding Ana tight (I'm a little jealous) and will be watching over Caden as he enters this world. Caden will be one very lucky boy with an angel sister and Mimi watching out for him!

I'm heading back to my parents house for Christmas and the funeral. I've lost three people in less than two years (Ana, my Grandfather and now my Mom). I am just so tired. I am looking forward to happiness! I guess I am coping well....or I'm just in such sock right now I'm not dealing with it. Because I am pregnant I am being very careful to take care of myself and not get to overwhelmed.

Ok, that's all for now. Feels good to get it out.

Merry freakin' Christmas

Monday, December 8, 2014

It's a BOY!

Hello blog!

So, we've been busy. My life is so crazy right now, but good things are happening. We had our anatomy scan on Dec 3rd. Everything looks good, and...it's a BOY! I am relieved, as that was what we were hoping for. I think it will be easier emotionally to separate this baby from Ana as a boy, as opposed to if it's a girl. I do think my next baby will be a girl :) But, definitely taking a break from baby making after this one for a little while! My life for the past two plus years has been baby making.

Anyway, we are very excited! His name is Caden. We've had it picked out for years. Not sure on middle name yet. Still working on it. We want to include my Mom in it somehow. She likes Frank (her Dad's name) but I can't handle Frank! haha. Thomas and Scott are contenders (my Grandfather's middle and last name). I will post pics soon (I'm on my work computer).

Mom is doing ok. She finished chemo, and today is having some testing to see if the chemo/radiation helped. She has been very tired, dealing with a leg infection. She is doing much better, but still very wiped out. I miss being able to talk to her whenever I want. She is usually to tired or drugged up to talk to. It's so, so hard. I wish life wasn't so cruel sometimes....

We are hopeful she will make it to see the baby, and be able to come here for the birth. I think Mom sometimes isn't sure she will make it. She's more depressed and then doesn't take as good care of herself.

Please send us prayers and good vibes, we could use it!