Final push

This Saturday will be the final push in the move. We'll be sleeping at our new home this weekend. I'm handling it ok so far. Not really much time to think about it, we're so busy.

Work is insane...meetings, kids decompensating. Multiple calls to DHHS this week, and they aren't doing anything. Kids have no running water? Electricity? Heat? Have to go to the bathroom outside? Ok. That's fine. Been more emotional lately I think because of the hard stuff these kids are going through. It's hard to leave it at work.

Caden is doing well, growing all the time. It's crazy. He is looking like a toddler and not a baby anymore. Soon he will be talking and walking. I got some gifts from my grandmother, a few of them butterfly themed :) Very special. My birth father also sent me his baby blanket and spoon/fork.

My friend's baby is having heart surgery soon. Scary stuff. I had a nightmare about it the other day. He was clawing his face off, it was terrible. No dreams about Ana lately, or pregnancy loss which is nice. Mom always pops up at least twice a week. Packing up the last few things...Ana's last picture Ive kept out, my Moms ashes... so strange. I think it will probably all hit me after we move. I cannot wait for the summer, time off to reflect, heal and work on me. This job is very stressful, and I believe I have put my grief on the back burner. My therapist thinks so too. When I am so busy, I am not as depressed and thinking about death. My anxiety is better. BUT, I also think that I am not dealing with it. I need to address those feelings and let them go.

Mothers day was OK. Busy moving and painting. Then went to dinner with my husband, son and my in-laws. It was nice. I was pretty distracted. Definitely thought of my Mom and Ana.

This is the last opportunity to get pregnant while in this house...for whatever reason that seems important to me. I know it really doesn't matter, but I thought it would be cool to have gotten pregnant with all my kids in the same place. Kind of like a full circle. I got pregnant a month after moving in, then got pregnant with Caden here as well. I think this next pregnancy will be my last. It is very stressful being pregnant after loss. If we want more kids we'd probably pursue adoption. We'll see. It would be special too I suppose to get pregnant at the new house, new beginnings...

Alright, back to work. Just my random thoughts for the day.