Health

I should blog more. I've always enjoyed writing and journaling, and with Caden it is difficult to find time to put pen to paper. However I have down time at work and could get some stuff out. I've always dealt with anxiety/depression, and my life the past three years hasn't been easy. Some days I just feel overwhelmed and sad. I miss my mother. It's stressful times that I miss her the most. I just want to hear her voice, get her advice. I trusted her 100%. I want her to know Caden. She would have been an awesome grandmother. I want her to be there for Sam and my Dad. She missed out on so much and it is not fair. I worry that if I have another loss, I won't make it without my Mom. Like I said, I've always been anxious but since losing Ana it's been amped up.

I worry about Caden dying all the time. I worry he'll die from SIDS at night or in his car seat. I worry about car accidents, and falls. it's a daily thing. Sometimes it's really obsessive irrational worry. I have to work hard to keep my head on straight. Caden hasn't been the easiest either. He has asthma, and has been hospitalized three times in his first year. That's hard on any mama, but a loss mama it's harder.

I worry people are forgetting Ana. Or don't care about her. I think of her every day. I had a difficult time with her third birthday last month. I guess I know now how much I am missing out. How she'd no longer be a baby...that she is forever stuck as a newborn in my mind, as I watch her little brother grow. It sucks.

We have some positive things coming...like we are moving to a much bigger place, with four bedrooms, a pool and huge deck. We will have room for more children if we are lucky enough to get pregnant. I'm terrified of losing another child. It just sucks..there is no other way to describe it.

My friend who is adopting a baby, he isn't doing well. He is having some heart issues and it's devastating. I am praying that he will be alright. She is a loss mom too, and her mother also died from cancer last year. I am worried about her ability to cope with this, though I know she is strong. Prayers would be appreciated.

I think that's it for now. I need to work on my mental health and physical health. Heck, throw spiritual in there too. I am not eating well or exercising. It's finally getting warmer and I can start walking. I am also joining the Y this summer. It will be good for me, especially if I am trying to get pregnant again.

Ok..that's it for now.