Blog therapy

In need of some blogging therapy. Been an interesting few days. I got my period, days earlier than expected. This was our second month trying and once again, I was hopeful. Not sure how not to be...how to not get disappointed when I don't get pregnant. I think having lost Ana, and then taking a year and a half to get pregnant again was hard on me, changed the way I think.

I need to relax. I know I can get pregnant again, it will just take a little time. Other stuff is going on that I think is making this more difficult. We're moving in 2 weeks. I have begun the task of packing Ana's things. Her pictures around the house, the nursery. I've gotten everything except one picture, her cross stitch and the wall decal done. For years I have worried about having to take down that decal. I don't really know why it is so hard. It was the finishing touch on her room. Its become sort of a symbol of her. My sister's tattoo looks a lot like it. Her winnie the pooh room. I put a lot of thought into it. I'm not sure I can actually take it down. Toby might have too. He put it up three years ago, and he'll take it down.

so...there is that stress. Also, my friends little boy that she just adopted is having health issues. It's really scary. Reminds me of how precious life is. That's enough stress to make someone a little crazy I suppose :) Plus mundane stuff, such as packing, cleaning, money. Missing my Mom too.

Nighmares... keep having nightmares that Mom has brain cancer and it was changing her personality. I had a real bad one a few nights ago about going to visit Ana. In my dream world, you were allowed to visit your dead family a year after they died. They were unburied and you could see them. So, we saw Ana and got to carry her around. Ana looked the same as the day I left her, and I wondered how that was possible. I put her in her carrier and we carried her around. I think I snuggled with her on my bed. Then, we had to bring her back. I brought her back to the funeral home and had a hard time saying goodbye (obviously). I kept going back to kiss her and the funeral director lady was getting frustrated with me. I had another nightmare recently that I went to see another OB, because I was pregnant. But, I was sharing my history with the new OB (who was a bitch) and mentioned I had a 12 week miscarriage. I know it was just  dream, but it scared me.

Meh. I hope I start to feel more positive over the next few days. I am looking forward to moving. More space. One of the first things I will do is set up "Ana's space". I will also pick a spot for a garden outside for her. Ana's garden :)