Updates

Hi blog, this might be cut short. I am at work but felt I needed to update. It's been a while. So, here we are in July. I am not pregnant yet. If I had gotten pregnant this cycle I would have had pretty much the same due date as Ana. It was an exciting but bittersweet possibility. When my period started, I really struggled with anxiety and depression. I'm doing a bit better now, but I was definitely struggling for a few days there. To the point I took my anxiety med (which I haven't taken in maybe 6 months). I've had one bottle (maybe 30 pills?) since I had Ana, and there is still some left so I take it pretty rarely. I was just overwhelmed, teary and anxious. Couldn't really identify why...aside from not being pregnant, hormones, and just coming back from a wonderful vacation.

My Mom made a good point. I have not truly relaxed since Ana died. Any gatherings/time off has been spent grieving. I took 5 days off and went to a cabin on a lake with my husband, my parents and my sister. It was awesome. I have not seen my family since Ana's birthday in March so it was much needed. A coworker commented it was to bad I was going with my family, and not just my husband. I was totally ok with it, and really enjoyed it. I love spending time with my family. I currently live 2.5 hours from them, and wish I lived closer. I kayaked with my sister, had a bon fire, many family meals and relaxing on the lake. I truly "let go' and was able to rest and relax. Then, I come back to stressful work, we only have 1 car so that has been really difficult. Plus, I kind of "came back" to my grief and it hit me hard. I reached out to a friend, who canceled on my three times. That send me spiraling, as I really needed/need a friend. But, I feel like I am on the mend.

We got my husband a car yesterday! This takes a lot of stress off of me, and he is so proud to own a car. His cars have always been pass downs from his parents, so for him to have his own car he has paid for is helping his self confidence. Plus I don't have to get up early to take him to work, or stay late at my job.

So, on July 21st I have an appointment with my OB. I love her. I'm due for my exam, and we're going to have the "what now" discussion. We've been trying for over a year. 6 months of that I was not ovulating, so I went on birth control and started metformin. It has been another six months that I have been ovulating and having regular cycles. So we'll see what she says. Probably just some preliminary testing right now. I don't think she'd recommend medication to help me ovulate, since I already am, but we'll see. I'll update you then.

So, that's what's going on. I miss my baby girl. She would be 16 months. It's totally not fair at all, and to not have my rainbow in my arms 16 months later is just cruel. Hopefully, I will be pregnant soon.