Storms and hope

Hello journal, been so long. Our live is so busy...happy, but busy! I am always battling my sadness and anxiety over losing my daughter, and my Mother. So, here's the update on us.

Our first rainbow is three and a half, working on potty training and starting preschool soon. He is a silly, sensitive little guy very much like his mama. He likes mickey mouse, cars and playing outside.

Our second rainbow is 18 months. Sweet, but also wild! She loves to keep up with her brother, is showing interest in the potty already. She likes playing with her baby doll, chasing her brother and "cleaning" by dumping everything off the table.

After my c section with Willow my doc told me I shouldn't have anymore, just because of the scar tissue. It was a more complicated delivery. After the emotions of that pregnancy I would have agreed, until she actually said no more. Then my emotions were everywhere. I also expected to feel "complete" after I had Willow...I had envisioned Ana, Caden and Willow for years, and here they were. However, I was still missing my first little girl. I would never feel complete because she wasn't here.

We became foster parents when I was pregnant with Willow. We had always wanted to adopt at some point, as I am adopted. We got numerous calls for placements but they weren't the right fit (older, not up for adoption). We got a call on July 18th about a little boy, just born, who was looking for a home. We brought him home a few days later. He is a wonderful addition to our family. We hope to adopt him but right now he is a foster placement. However reunification isn't progressing at all. We hope to know in the next few months. He is a little love, laid back with big smiles. I will try to keep this updated but you know how that goes. Look how much has changed in 5 years...

Little rainbow

Willow Jade Paradis

4/21/17

6lbs 8oz

19.5" long

Arriving soon

Hi journal...
I should really post more often. I find writing therapeutic. I haven't even written in Willow's pregnancy journal in months. I guess that's third child syndrome! I am maybe a quarter done with her cross stitch as well haha. Gotta get on that...can't have one for my angel and rainbow 1 and not her. I found a cute quote that I want to get framed for her room... "She is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow". So true :) <3  Her name will be Willow Jade. She is arriving next Friday, April 21st. My third spring baby. I am almost 36 weeks. Normal anxiety of losing a baby, especially as we get closer. I just want her out and safe. Last measurements were 5lbs 13 oz. She will beat her sister, not sure about her brother but it's possible! I hope this week goes fast...I am finishing up my work week and it feels good to be done. Everything is almost ready for her. Just a few small things left to do. Easter is this weekend, and we are also house hunting (talk about stressful!).

I think that is it for now....who knows when I will update again!

Here is a pic of my three babies, Willow, Caden and Ana. They definitely look like siblings!!! All have my nose, Dad's eyes and mouth.

Fourth

Happy fourth birthday to my angel. I cannot believe it has been that long. Feels like yesterday, and a life time ago all at the same time. I'm kind of numb this year...trying not to think about it. I'm at work, trying to get out early so I can be with my husband and son. I bought stuff to make cupcakes and will be doing a butterfly design on them. I'll post pics if I remember! Having some computer issues.

Ana's little sister (Willow) is doing well. I am now 30 weeks pregnant. We are very busy. Weekly ultrasounds and bi weekly OB appointments, soon to be bumped up to 2 ultrasounds a week and weekly OB apts. It is all worth it. This time I have gestational diabetes that requires insulin. That has been difficult emotionally to not feel guilt, though I know I couldn't control it. I've been grumpy and snappy...less tolerable of people. Especially doctors, who are not sensitive or don't know about Ana. I just don't want to talk about "is this your first?" "oh a girl, perfect a boy and girl!" "in that pregnancy" ugh. Just shut up, really. I wish I had all my babies together. They should be all together...the three of them. The three of them I have seen in my head since 2010 or so when I started envisioning my family. Ana, Caden and Willow. It's so difficult. We've also been in the process to adopt. This will be my last pregnancy, I just can't handle another one emotionally. If we want more kids, we will adopt in a couple years. I am adopted and have always wanted to adopt.


I think that is all I can manage right now. I wish I could crawl in bed and sleep.

PTSD

Hello blog.

I am now 13 weeks with my second rainbow baby. This pregnancy I've felt more..ambivalent. I very much want this baby, and am very happy I am pregnant. However I feel like my brain is trying to protect myself from potential loss, so I'm constantly fighting the thought that something is wrong or the baby is dead. It was like that with Caden, too I just feel like it is more difficult this time to be happy.

I had an appointment yesterday and it was difficult. I saw a different OB then I usually do. I think she knew some of my history, but wasn't as gentle with me as my regular OB. Normally, if it is to early/can't find the heart beat on a doppler, my OB will automatically give me an ultrasound. She did this with both Ana and Caden. However, this OB must be different. I had Caden with me and he was upset and crying. My husband was late so I had him in the office with me. Caden yelled and yelled so the OB could not find the HB and was rather rude. "This is pointless" referring to trying to hear it with my son there. She said "come back next week" and we'd try again. I guess I was in shock, or just to overwhelmed to respond. By the time I got to check out and was scheduling a follow up, I started to cry. I went outside and tried desperately to call my friend who is an ultrasound tech. I was going to beg her for an ultrasound. She was out of town.

My husband showed up and I asked him to advocate for me to have an ultrasound before we left the building. He did so, and a nurse came and got me. She obviously had no idea what was wrong as I was sobbing. She brought me back to a room and asked me what was wrong. I told her my daughter died and I needed to know if this baby was alive. She was sweet and said we'd find out. So, the OB came back. I'm still a mess, and explain I just need to know if the baby is alive. They re did the doppler, and found a perfect heart beat of 155. I cried with relief and went on my way. It was really embarrassing. I'm sure everyone in the waiting room thought something terrible had happened. This is also the same office I found Ana had died in, so it's very triggering for me anyway.

So, that sucked. But, i made it through and baby is OK! I am now moving into the second trimester and trying to relax and enjoy. Easier said than done!

Fear

So, we told the world. Pretty much everyone knows except some people at work. We've had our first ultrasound which went great. Perfect heartbeat at 105bpm, measuring right at six weeks. Due date is May 11th. We did a photo shoot and it was awesome. I'll post some of the pics.

I am now terrified of a missed miscarriage. That the baby will stop growing and the heart will stop. Though in reality, at this point the miscarriage rate is only 10% after seeing a heartbeat, and it goes down again once I hit 7 weeks, on Thursday. So...everything should statistically be fine. But, when you are pregnant after loss logical thinking goes out the window. Once I announced on Facebook, two fellow loss mamas messaged me saying they were pregnant! So exciting. We'll be able to support each other. I also have my online support community, thencomesfamily.com. Been on there since trying to get pregnant with Ana over four years ago. I thought about it the other day..I have had three pregnancies in the last four years! By the time this baby is born, I will have had three babies in a little over four years. INSANE. No wonder I am tired!

This will most likely (if everything goes well) be our last bio child. It is very difficult emotionally for me to go through pregnancy and I am not sure I could do it again. Especially if this baby is a girl. If we want more kiddos, we'll adopt. We want to adopt anyway (I'm adopted). We've already started the process to get approved through the state to adopt.

So that's whats going on now. Fear and joy, and mixed in together! I am having morning sickness (mostly at night) hunger, food aversions and cravings, mood swings, sore breasts on and off and extreme fatigue! All remind me of the miracle growing inside.

Peace & Love

Here we go again...

Hello blog, been a while.

Back in school, so far going well. Starting the third week today.

Some big news! I'm pregnant! So excited. I had gone to see my OB over the summer and she prescribed me progesterone due to short cycles. Well, it worked on the first try! My due date for right now is May 9th. I have my first ultrasound on Thursday, then seeing the nurse on Friday. First appointment with my OB on Oct 6th. So far, my sister, Dad and a few close friends/co workers know. My husband of course :) once we see everything is going well, we'll announce to the public. It should work that I can have the baby and be out the rest of the school year.

Of course being pregnant after loss is terrifying. I feel less terrified than last time, but still fear a miscarriage...or that we will go to the ultrasound and there will be nothing. Still having troublesome thoughts about my son. It was really cold this morning and he slept through the night. I first thought he was dead. It's a continuous process.

So, for now...happy and pregnant! Will keep you updated

8/29/2016

Better

 I am doing better. That med was nuts and made me feel crazy. I feel more like me now. I still am having anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Its better than feeling like shit though, and not being able to sleep. I see my doc next week. We will discuss options then, but I am not going to try more medications like that. I don't know what other options I have but I do not want to feel like that.

It's hot. I am over the summer heat. I am looking forward to fall, not going back to work but the cool crisp air. Being hot has always made me cranky. I am having issues with a tooth and need a root canal...not fun at all! Getting that done tomorrow. Trying to get things done before back to school in three weeks. It will be nice for a fresh start to work, and to be more busy.

I see my OB next week. The one who delivered Ana and Caden. I love her. She is a very kind woman. I am going to ask about my cycle issues and see what she thinks. We've also turned in our adoption application to DHS, and have been finger printed. Our references have been contacted. I'm thinking we'll be licensed as a foster/adoptive home in Dec or Jan at the earliest. If I get pregnant before then we'll just put adoption on hold. I still want to adopt eventually.

I guess that's really it for now. Did I write about the dream I had a little while ago? Don't think I did. Well, I had a dream that my friend gave birth to twin girls, who were healthy (she lost her twin boys last year). Then I was at some type of church gathering with my children. I had a boy, about 5 or 6 named Sam. I had the distinct impression he was adopted. Caden wasn't there, but Ana was! She was about 13, and was upset that she wouldn't be able to be a teenager on earth, so she was going to be a teenager in heaven! She had a big attitude and my friend went to go talk with her. It was cool :)

That's all for now :)

Pills

Hello.
This will be somewhat of a rant, as it is past midnight and I cannot sleep. So, my doc put me on some new meds to help with my intrusive thoughts/anxiety. It has been a roller coaster of a few weeks trying two different meds. One made me sick so I stopped. This one has been interesting. The first day I was sedated. Then, the last four nights I cannot sleep before 1 or 2am despite feeling tired. It's like inside is going and buzzing...it is unpleasant. My mind feels hyper focused but not in a good way. I am tired. This was what I was nervous about...becoming a guinea pig. Yes, I do believe I need help. my anxiety/trauma/depression/what ever label you want to use has gotten worse since having my son. I think a lot of it is trauma related, and fear of losing him. I'm in therapy with a good therapist. Though sometimes she pushes a little to hard.

I trust myself. I know myself. I know what is best for myself, even if I don't act on it. I know that I need to eat healthier, and exercise. I know that will improve both my mood and how I feel physically (worn out, stomach issues, dizzy, nauseous). I need to take care of myself.

I know my doctor and my therapist would like me to give the meds longer to work, or increase the dose to see if that helps. But seriously...I feel so fucked up. I feel high, or...out of it. It's really hard to describe. It feels like I'm anticipating something but can't identify it. Damn and I tired. I have an apt. next week with her so I'll talk with her then. I'm done taking that med. Done. Gotta trust myself that that is what is best. I don't want to deal with those scary thoughts though..the intrusive images of my son dead. No, I don't want to live like that. There has got to be other ways to manage it than drugs. I have had success on antidepressants and anxiety medications but it is not touching these thoughts, and the drugs they have me on right now are not helping.

I should really try sleeping but I feel like I just lay there and think and squirm and it's uncomfortable. I know my son will be awake in a few hours and I will be cranky and tired. I just hope this med comes out of my system quickly.

I am going to try to come up with some sort of health plan. More varied diet, with more fruit and veggies. Supplements, exercise. Maybe essential oils. More meditating, getting reconnected with my spiritual self. I know it will at least help.

I am so tired.

Mid summer

Hi Blog
I should write more. Summer is about half way over. I've had a few visits from my sister, which was nice. I wish we lived closer to each other. I'm in a funk. I am asking for help though and trying to be open with my husband about my feelings. I'm still not pregnant, which is probably a good thing. It gives me time to focus on getting healthy. I feel like I have a lot going on in my head. Counseling is going well. I am trying a new medication to help with my anxiety/intrusive thoughts. We'll see if it helps. I am not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago, which is nice. It's been really hot and humid and that has not been helpful. Tomorrow my husband is off and we're going to have a date, child free which will be nice. It's been a long time. I think I will get in the pool and exercise today. I know it will help, the motivation is just low. I hope that by the time I go back to school in about 5 weeks I will be feeling better and ready. The summer is definitely not going how I imagined (care free, happy, fun). There has been fun times I just need to have more of that! Really trying. Going out with Empty Arms friends on Wednesday for dinner. Will be nice. I really like them. They understand the pain of losing a child, and I just like being around them. Even when we aren't talking about our children. I find comfort in being around people who get it.

In other news I went to the meeting at DHS about adoption/foster. We have turned in our application for adoption through the state. Its a long process involving home study, finger printing, inspection by fire marshall...but it's something I've always wanted to do. Also takes me mind of trying to get pregnant. If we can adopt a baby, maybe I'll be done with having biological children. I don't know. I want to have another bio baby, but really the anxiety is so intense. I am hopeful for the future, for both myself and my family.

Coping?

how do you cope? I feel like it's just one thing after another. One trigger after another. Barely floating than WHAM a wave. I feel like I am being judged. I feel like others don't see my loss as significant. I don't know why I care. I guess I just want Ana's life to be acknowledged and valued. That is really important to me. I feel like the world doesn't get it.

and they don't. And that should be a good thing, that most people don't know my pain. I just need validation. Validation that it hurts and this is an incredibly difficult journey. Sometimes I really am ok. I don't know why the last few months have been more difficult. I've had more anxiety and depression in general. I can't seem to get out of this one. I feel really alone. I am trying to speak about it but it's hard. I know people care but ...they aren't in my head.

Not really sure what will help. I have therapy tomorrow and that's good. Will try and get out once Toby is home. Go for a walk, try and do something fun. Need to focus on positive things.

Apples and Oranges

Ugh. Love how you can be slapped in the face with grief when you least expect it, and by those you least expect it from.

A friend's dog died recently. She shared a video her son made her about the dog. It was sad and a beautiful tribute. The dog had been sick for a while, but had lived a long healthy life. In her post on facebook, she called the dog her baby. I was triggered by this, as dogs are not babies. I can understand the deep love we have for our pets. I had two dogs I grew up with, and I loved them deeply. I was very saddened by their passing. I remember when we were discussing putting my dog down, and I was sobbing. I said that Sunny was my baby. My mother said, "Michelle, he is not your baby". I was very angered by this. However, years later I lost my daughter, and learned she was right. My dog was not my baby. Anastasia Maeve Paradis was my baby.

The pain of losing my dog is nowhere near the pain of losing my daughter. I apparently upset this friend, who must have shared my private message with a mutual friend. This mutual friend posted a scathing rant publicly saying her dog had been her baby, and repeated "baby" over and over again, saying go ahead and delete her if I didn't like it. She then stated she had carried babies within her body, and losing her dog hurt more than losing those babies.

I was dumbfounded. Seriously? I'm not sure what to think of that. Is is possible for someone to have more pain over losing an animal than a child? I just..don't get it. I however don't think she was wanting to be pregnant, and had a miscarriage...I could be wrong, but not sure. I do not feel that losing your pet dog, and losing your child are even in the same stratosphere. For her to suggest they are, and in fact losing a dog was worse was very painful for me. I'm sorry, no matter how much you love your dog, you love your children more. I did not fully understand this until I lost my daughter.

Nothing, not even watching my mother die from cancer was more painful than holding my dead child in my arms.

I am having a rough day. I sent her a private polite message and blocked her. I cannot see those types of posts. It makes me feel like she is invalidating Ana's life. Like her life is not worth more than a dog. I freaking love dogs, and miss mine all the time but it does not equate to a human child...I'm sorry. I just can't see that.

I was able to talk to my sister and a fellow loss Mom friend, and that helped immensely. The advice was to be glad they do not know the pain of losing a child, and their worst day is losing a pet. I am really trying to focus on that...

Dreams

Hi blog.

So last night I had a dream about my Mom. A real dream, not a nightmare which was nice. Though part of it was sad, but I'll focus on the happy.

I think it really was her coming through. I can usually tell. Visitation dreams aren't scary, feels real and you are usually aware on some level that it is a dream/visit. Usually my dreams of Mom are just nightmares about her death, or having to watch her die again and again. This time I was driving with her in her car. We did this a lot when we talked. We would drive down to the beach and eat ice cream when I was having a hard time. A lot of important/deep conversations happened in the car. So, in the dream we were driving. I was somewhat aware of this being a dream and talking with Mom. I felt short for time, not knowing when the dream would end. I remember asking a few questions but unfortunately I can't remember them all. I asked about Ana. Mom said she was wise, or "an adult". I took this to mean she was very advanced for her age. In the dream I replied "yeah, she has reincarnated more times than I have". I then asked my Mom if I would carry another child in my body. She said yes. I know there was more but I can't remember. Hoping it comes back to me. It was pretty short but real. I think I asked if she hears me, or is with me. I usually ask that. When it's a nightmare she usually says no she doesn't hear me, or isn't aware. I feel she really is with me always and can hear me.

So that was kind of cool. I live for those visits...signs. I miss my Mom so much lately. I miss Ana too, but I guess I feel more resolved with her death, probably because it has been longer. I miss her very, very much and some days the grief over takes me and I feel depressed. Right now, Mom is really on my mind and I just want to talk with her. Ask her things, get her advice.

One of the things I would talk with her about would be adoption. Toby and I have decided to look into it. I have always wanted to adopt anyway, and the anxiety of trying to get pregnant is overwhelming me. We will keep trying but also pursue adoption. I am going to an informational meeting in a few weeks. Some of my other loss mama friends are going too, which is exciting.

Ok..that's all for now.

Summer!

Hello blog

I am on summer vacation. It is very strange, having worked every summer since I was 15. I think this summer will be very theraputic. I will have time to refocus on what is important, family and health. I will be able to exercise, read, write. Time for myself. We got the pool open, and I am finding it theraputic to work on it. It's a fair amount of work but once it is clean it will be very nice.

So, we've been trying for another baby for four months now. Just got my period yesterday. I am having odd cycles, short luteal phase (phase after ovulation before period, when egg is fertilized and implants). This means my body is triggering menstruation before it should, thus not giving a potential fertilized egg time to implant. Obviously, this is a problem. I have learned a lot since starting trying to conceive Ana four years ago. Actually, I got pregnant with Ana four years ago this week. If I had gotten pregnant this month, my due date would have been Ana's fourth birthday. So, getting my period was more difficult this month. Next cycle would be Caden's birthday as my due date...another March baby.

So a few weeks ago I went to my primary care doc, because she is awesome and her treatment helped me get pregnant with Caden. Back then my issue was ovulation and too long of cycles (go figure). She also used to be a midwife. When I explained that my luteal phase was short, she looked confused and said luteal phase is ALWAYS 14 days. (Um, no). I explained that I knew when I ovulated, based on tests and other symptoms. She again said no, you ovulate around day 14. Again, not everyone does. I have always ovulated on or around day 21 of my cycle. I have been charting my cycles for four years. I know myself pretty well. Needless her advice was "just have sex on day 12, 14 and 16 and you'll get pregnant". Thanks for nothing. She then looked at Caden and said "you sure you want another?". Well, she's the one who asked about us trying again months ago!

Why do people think it is ok to ask a woman about her reproduction? Some women have trouble trying to get pregnant, others can't and then some women don't want children. It is none of their damn business. We all have dreams of what we want for a family...no one envisions losing a child, not being able to concieve. I wanted three kids. Originally 2 boys and a girl. Then, when I met Toby it switched to two girls and a boy...I even had names picked out by the time we were married. Anastasia, Caden and Willow. I've been right about the first two...pretty sure I have another daughter out there meant to be with us. I have then seen us adopting a fourth child. We'll see. I just want to be "done".Have all my children here with me, though that will never be possible without Ana. I do however want to put pregnancy and birth behind me.

Ok, off to a therapy appointment...

Blessings

Want to take the time to focus on a wonderful moment I had with my son yesterday afternoon. We went to play outside with some water and toys. Initially, he was not to thrilled! The grass freaked him out!

Then, he got used to it and we played in the water. He was so happy, splashing around and sitting with Mommy. Then, a group of dragonflies danced around us. Like, 5 or 6 of them just spinning and twirling around us. I felt it was my Mom, and Ana and other special people who have passed on, coming for a visit. I felt this strongly. I felt like my Mom was there, proud of me. Watching me be a mother. I felt all encompassing peace and happiness for the first time in a while. It was short lived, but it was marvelous! I will work consciously to have more of these precious moments. To remember my blessings and celebrate them!

 I will forever remember this moment with my son, playing and watching the dragonflies dance.

Triggers

Hello blog. Had a pretty good memorial day weekend. It was quiet...first quiet weekend in a long time. It was kind of strange actually to have nothing to do. Took a couple walks which was nice. Had some Mom dreams that were kind of weird. Don't really remember them just that Mom popped in and out. Some of it involved Caden and baby things. I sure do miss Mom. Doing relay for life this friday, that should be fun (and emotional I'm sure).

Trigger this morning. Completely random. There was a picture and article on yahoo about a migrant baby who died...I didn't read it, but sounds like it was a child who fell off a boat trying to come to the US. The picture actually shows the dead baby. Cue PTSD and depression. All it took. I need to be really careful about news stories. They can totally mess up my day and throw me off. I just cannot take it right now. My anxiety about Caden dying is always there, he slept in his bed all night two nights ago, and of course I thought first "he's dead". I'm able to not obsess beyond the initial thought, which is good! but, it is still an automatic thought frequently. I wonder if that will ever change, or will I always have to deal with this? I've always had anxiety. I am actually meeting with a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week, per recommendation from my therapist. I am interested in clarifying my diagnosis and re-evaluating medication. In the past I've been treated for depression/anxiety, but I really think it is more OCD/anxiety at this point. Due to the intrusive/obsessional thoughts. We'll see. I'm not wanting to go on a bunch of med trials...did that in high school and it was terrible. But, If I can actually get an accurate portrait of what I am dealing with, that would be a great first step.

I believe the grief I am experiencing is normal. However, couple that with OCD and anxiety (as well as postpartum), it gets difficult to manage. I'll let you know how that goes.

Back to work. 11 more days of school...I can do it!

Little helper

So, went to see Maureen Hancock last night, for the 3rd time. Wish I could find a place where I wrote exactly what she said the first time we saw her. It was amazing. The first time we saw her was 2013, about six months after she passed. She came in right at the end, with a teenage girl named Ashley who passed from a brain aneurism. I have since connected on FB with Ashley's Mom and we keep in touch. Ashley's Mom said Ashley always wanted to be a Mom, and was good with babies.

That first time Maureen got her name, said A-N-A. Then got that she died shortly before birth. Then said butterfly tattoo, she's with us always. I think there was more, but I can't remember. It was quick but powerful.

The second time, Ana didn't come through but Ashley did, and she brought another baby through! It was amazing...and very similar to our story, parents had a stillborn baby, had a tattoo of a butterfly! It was so cool. Again, Ashley came in last and brought a baby. It was super neat.

This time, Ashley's Mom couldn't come but other kid spirits came through. A few three year old boys, which I found interesting as Ana would be three. Plus, we were in the same section (there were at least 300 people there). Then, towards the end she said "who lost a daughter? A baby". We raised our hands. "At birth? Full term?". Yes. She came a bit closer and was reading another Mom with one of the three year olds. She then said "who lost twins?" I raised my hand, as one of my friends/coworkers lost twin boys last year. I also have another friend who lost a boy and girl twins. Maureen asked about   the twins footprints, in a tattoo. The Mom has the boys foot prints on her arm. :) It was awesome. Short and sweet, but needed! Now Ana is the one helping other kids come through. Totally amazing! Proud of my girl. She always sneaks in. She is a powerful energy, but I know too that she wants to make sure others get a chance. I was a little sad that my Mom didn't come through, but I know that my friend needed to hear from her boys, and Ana and Mom made that happen.

Ok, back to work! Love my little angel girl!

Messages...

Going through old Facebook messages and wanted to write these down so I don't forget!! These are from friends....

"I had a dream this morning with you and Tobin in a field filled with beautiful flowers and butterflies flying all around. That's really all I remember"

"I had the strangest dream...my son Ryan was pushing your little Anastasia in a swing...it was a bed swing hanging from the most beautiful tree I have ever seen with white netting all around it and little lights holding the netting in the right places maybe they were fairies not sure. There were yellow flowers on the tree but not a flower I could identify. She was happy your little one and my son was happy and smiling as if to say i am taking care of her."

"I feel that your daughter is all around you...almost like buzzing like a bee is what I am getting. She's smiling!"

Seeing Maureen Hancock tonight. I was trying to find where I wrote down what she said last time. Couldn't find it...hmm.

31.

Today I am 31. Never thought my life would look like this. I sometimes still think I am 27. I was 27 when I lost Ana. Like I legitimately think I am 27 or 28 when asked, then I have to add. Last few years have been odd, but also filled with blessings. I had my son at 29. I hope 31 is a good year... I can't believe I am that old. Most days I still feel 20.

The move..... made it. Wasn't sure there for a while. This weekend we did the last push to clean the apartment. It was not easy. More work than anticipated, a cranky baby and emotional. We took down the 100 acre wood map, and it tore a little and folded in on itself. I lost it, sobbed. Had to leave the room. Toby was able to fix it and save it, which was nice. It was just a culmination of everything...leaving the place we became a family, missing Ana and my Mom. Fear of change and the unknown. So, made it through that day. Then the next day we took the other decal down, that isn't reusable. I actually did OK with that, knowing we couldn't save it. Toby was able to save part of the butterfly. I did lose it trying to clean the kitchen...Caden was screaming and I was so overwhelmed. I yelled at him. I felt terrible. I left and went for a walk and Toby took over. It was just so overwhelming, I hit my wall. To much to manage. But, we made it. It's done. We now just have one house. Its a nice house and we're settling in. Doesn't quite feel like home yet, but it's getting there.

Mothers day brunch.... for empty arms. Went well, and fun. Made birdhouses for the babies. I hung mine on our front bush. I put a little fairy on it. Had nice conversations with other Moms who "got it". Got to talk with a fellow loss Mom who just had her rainbow, he is 5 weeks old. Her angel daughter died in April last year at 40 weeks due to an issue with her cord. It was nice to talk to another Mom with a young one, talk about the intense conflicting emotions of missing our children while holding our blessings. Next event is fathers day planting at the memorial, and we'll be doing a butterfly release. That will be nice!

Trying again.... so we've been trying for three months for another baby. I've had two very odd cycles, that were short. Like, got my period three days earlier than expected. That's not good. I'm seeing my doc Thursday. It's given me a lot of anxiety, I jump to conclusions that I will need help conceiving and it will be really difficult. I need to calm the hell down. :(

Ok, that's it for now. Counseling tonight. It will be nice to process this stuff with her.

Therapy

Hello again.

It has been a very long week. With the move, sore back, therapy and doctor appointments it has been crazy. Work is very busy. I had a bunch of kids added to my case load which has not been helping the stress level. Running after kids, being hit/scratched...sure makes for a long day! I do love my job though, it can just be really intense. Had a kiddo and her Mom MIA for a while, which really worried me. Luckily we found them and they were OK.

Therapy has been intense lately. I think my therapist things all my issues are grief related. Any anxiety stems back to my grief. I'm not entirely sure about that, but maybe. She pushes me to move forward, not get stuck. I go back and forth between understanding the need to do so, and resisting/disagreeing with her. She is worried I am focused on physical things of Anas. I don't really see a problem with that. She is worried about Caden and how we focus on Ana with him. I don't really see issue with that either, at least right now. I also don't like how she uses the term moving on, she understands that I will never forget Ana but she seems to want me to kind of "down play" Ana I guess? Hard to describe. I think it's hard for her to put herself in my place, having never lost a child. She did tear up when she was telling me that Ana never knew fear, was always loved and cradled. Made me cry too. It's hard work, grief. I know I have stuffed some of it. I know I am still bitter, and want others to remember my pain. I guess it comes from wanting others to remember my daughter, but also realizing how hard it has been. I need that support and acknowledgment. Acknowledgement is important. Acknowledging her existence, and my pain.


Ok, that's all for right now, back to busy busy work. Hoping to enjoy some outside time this weekend.