Storms and hope

Hello journal, been so long. Our live is so busy...happy, but busy! I am always battling my sadness and anxiety over losing my daughter, and my Mother. So, here's the update on us.

Our first rainbow is three and a half, working on potty training and starting preschool soon. He is a silly, sensitive little guy very much like his mama. He likes mickey mouse, cars and playing outside.

Our second rainbow is 18 months. Sweet, but also wild! She loves to keep up with her brother, is showing interest in the potty already. She likes playing with her baby doll, chasing her brother and "cleaning" by dumping everything off the table.

After my c section with Willow my doc told me I shouldn't have anymore, just because of the scar tissue. It was a more complicated delivery. After the emotions of that pregnancy I would have agreed, until she actually said no more. Then my emotions were everywhere. I also expected to feel "complete" after I had Willow...I had envisioned Ana, Caden and Willow for years, and here they were. However, I was still missing my first little girl. I would never feel complete because she wasn't here.

We became foster parents when I was pregnant with Willow. We had always wanted to adopt at some point, as I am adopted. We got numerous calls for placements but they weren't the right fit (older, not up for adoption). We got a call on July 18th about a little boy, just born, who was looking for a home. We brought him home a few days later. He is a wonderful addition to our family. We hope to adopt him but right now he is a foster placement. However reunification isn't progressing at all. We hope to know in the next few months. He is a little love, laid back with big smiles. I will try to keep this updated but you know how that goes. Look how much has changed in 5 years...

Little rainbow

Willow Jade Paradis

4/21/17

6lbs 8oz

19.5" long

Arriving soon

Hi journal...
I should really post more often. I find writing therapeutic. I haven't even written in Willow's pregnancy journal in months. I guess that's third child syndrome! I am maybe a quarter done with her cross stitch as well haha. Gotta get on that...can't have one for my angel and rainbow 1 and not her. I found a cute quote that I want to get framed for her room... "She is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow". So true :) <3  Her name will be Willow Jade. She is arriving next Friday, April 21st. My third spring baby. I am almost 36 weeks. Normal anxiety of losing a baby, especially as we get closer. I just want her out and safe. Last measurements were 5lbs 13 oz. She will beat her sister, not sure about her brother but it's possible! I hope this week goes fast...I am finishing up my work week and it feels good to be done. Everything is almost ready for her. Just a few small things left to do. Easter is this weekend, and we are also house hunting (talk about stressful!).

I think that is it for now....who knows when I will update again!

Here is a pic of my three babies, Willow, Caden and Ana. They definitely look like siblings!!! All have my nose, Dad's eyes and mouth.

Fourth

Happy fourth birthday to my angel. I cannot believe it has been that long. Feels like yesterday, and a life time ago all at the same time. I'm kind of numb this year...trying not to think about it. I'm at work, trying to get out early so I can be with my husband and son. I bought stuff to make cupcakes and will be doing a butterfly design on them. I'll post pics if I remember! Having some computer issues.

Ana's little sister (Willow) is doing well. I am now 30 weeks pregnant. We are very busy. Weekly ultrasounds and bi weekly OB appointments, soon to be bumped up to 2 ultrasounds a week and weekly OB apts. It is all worth it. This time I have gestational diabetes that requires insulin. That has been difficult emotionally to not feel guilt, though I know I couldn't control it. I've been grumpy and snappy...less tolerable of people. Especially doctors, who are not sensitive or don't know about Ana. I just don't want to talk about "is this your first?" "oh a girl, perfect a boy and girl!" "in that pregnancy" ugh. Just shut up, really. I wish I had all my babies together. They should be all together...the three of them. The three of them I have seen in my head since 2010 or so when I started envisioning my family. Ana, Caden and Willow. It's so difficult. We've also been in the process to adopt. This will be my last pregnancy, I just can't handle another one emotionally. If we want more kids, we will adopt in a couple years. I am adopted and have always wanted to adopt.


I think that is all I can manage right now. I wish I could crawl in bed and sleep.

PTSD

Hello blog.

I am now 13 weeks with my second rainbow baby. This pregnancy I've felt more..ambivalent. I very much want this baby, and am very happy I am pregnant. However I feel like my brain is trying to protect myself from potential loss, so I'm constantly fighting the thought that something is wrong or the baby is dead. It was like that with Caden, too I just feel like it is more difficult this time to be happy.

I had an appointment yesterday and it was difficult. I saw a different OB then I usually do. I think she knew some of my history, but wasn't as gentle with me as my regular OB. Normally, if it is to early/can't find the heart beat on a doppler, my OB will automatically give me an ultrasound. She did this with both Ana and Caden. However, this OB must be different. I had Caden with me and he was upset and crying. My husband was late so I had him in the office with me. Caden yelled and yelled so the OB could not find the HB and was rather rude. "This is pointless" referring to trying to hear it with my son there. She said "come back next week" and we'd try again. I guess I was in shock, or just to overwhelmed to respond. By the time I got to check out and was scheduling a follow up, I started to cry. I went outside and tried desperately to call my friend who is an ultrasound tech. I was going to beg her for an ultrasound. She was out of town.

My husband showed up and I asked him to advocate for me to have an ultrasound before we left the building. He did so, and a nurse came and got me. She obviously had no idea what was wrong as I was sobbing. She brought me back to a room and asked me what was wrong. I told her my daughter died and I needed to know if this baby was alive. She was sweet and said we'd find out. So, the OB came back. I'm still a mess, and explain I just need to know if the baby is alive. They re did the doppler, and found a perfect heart beat of 155. I cried with relief and went on my way. It was really embarrassing. I'm sure everyone in the waiting room thought something terrible had happened. This is also the same office I found Ana had died in, so it's very triggering for me anyway.

So, that sucked. But, i made it through and baby is OK! I am now moving into the second trimester and trying to relax and enjoy. Easier said than done!

Fear

So, we told the world. Pretty much everyone knows except some people at work. We've had our first ultrasound which went great. Perfect heartbeat at 105bpm, measuring right at six weeks. Due date is May 11th. We did a photo shoot and it was awesome. I'll post some of the pics.

I am now terrified of a missed miscarriage. That the baby will stop growing and the heart will stop. Though in reality, at this point the miscarriage rate is only 10% after seeing a heartbeat, and it goes down again once I hit 7 weeks, on Thursday. So...everything should statistically be fine. But, when you are pregnant after loss logical thinking goes out the window. Once I announced on Facebook, two fellow loss mamas messaged me saying they were pregnant! So exciting. We'll be able to support each other. I also have my online support community, thencomesfamily.com. Been on there since trying to get pregnant with Ana over four years ago. I thought about it the other day..I have had three pregnancies in the last four years! By the time this baby is born, I will have had three babies in a little over four years. INSANE. No wonder I am tired!

This will most likely (if everything goes well) be our last bio child. It is very difficult emotionally for me to go through pregnancy and I am not sure I could do it again. Especially if this baby is a girl. If we want more kiddos, we'll adopt. We want to adopt anyway (I'm adopted). We've already started the process to get approved through the state to adopt.

So that's whats going on now. Fear and joy, and mixed in together! I am having morning sickness (mostly at night) hunger, food aversions and cravings, mood swings, sore breasts on and off and extreme fatigue! All remind me of the miracle growing inside.

Peace & Love

Here we go again...

Hello blog, been a while.

Back in school, so far going well. Starting the third week today.

Some big news! I'm pregnant! So excited. I had gone to see my OB over the summer and she prescribed me progesterone due to short cycles. Well, it worked on the first try! My due date for right now is May 9th. I have my first ultrasound on Thursday, then seeing the nurse on Friday. First appointment with my OB on Oct 6th. So far, my sister, Dad and a few close friends/co workers know. My husband of course :) once we see everything is going well, we'll announce to the public. It should work that I can have the baby and be out the rest of the school year.

Of course being pregnant after loss is terrifying. I feel less terrified than last time, but still fear a miscarriage...or that we will go to the ultrasound and there will be nothing. Still having troublesome thoughts about my son. It was really cold this morning and he slept through the night. I first thought he was dead. It's a continuous process.

So, for now...happy and pregnant! Will keep you updated

8/29/2016