Fear

So, we told the world. Pretty much everyone knows except some people at work. We've had our first ultrasound which went great. Perfect heartbeat at 105bpm, measuring right at six weeks. Due date is May 11th. We did a photo shoot and it was awesome. I'll post some of the pics.

I am now terrified of a missed miscarriage. That the baby will stop growing and the heart will stop. Though in reality, at this point the miscarriage rate is only 10% after seeing a heartbeat, and it goes down again once I hit 7 weeks, on Thursday. So...everything should statistically be fine. But, when you are pregnant after loss logical thinking goes out the window. Once I announced on Facebook, two fellow loss mamas messaged me saying they were pregnant! So exciting. We'll be able to support each other. I also have my online support community, thencomesfamily.com. Been on there since trying to get pregnant with Ana over four years ago. I thought about it the other day..I have had three pregnancies in the last four years! By the time this baby is born, I will have had three babies in a little over four years. INSANE. No wonder I am tired!

This will most likely (if everything goes well) be our last bio child. It is very difficult emotionally for me to go through pregnancy and I am not sure I could do it again. Especially if this baby is a girl. If we want more kiddos, we'll adopt. We want to adopt anyway (I'm adopted). We've already started the process to get approved through the state to adopt.

So that's whats going on now. Fear and joy, and mixed in together! I am having morning sickness (mostly at night) hunger, food aversions and cravings, mood swings, sore breasts on and off and extreme fatigue! All remind me of the miracle growing inside.

Peace & Love

Here we go again...

Hello blog, been a while.

Back in school, so far going well. Starting the third week today.

Some big news! I'm pregnant! So excited. I had gone to see my OB over the summer and she prescribed me progesterone due to short cycles. Well, it worked on the first try! My due date for right now is May 9th. I have my first ultrasound on Thursday, then seeing the nurse on Friday. First appointment with my OB on Oct 6th. So far, my sister, Dad and a few close friends/co workers know. My husband of course :) once we see everything is going well, we'll announce to the public. It should work that I can have the baby and be out the rest of the school year.

Of course being pregnant after loss is terrifying. I feel less terrified than last time, but still fear a miscarriage...or that we will go to the ultrasound and there will be nothing. Still having troublesome thoughts about my son. It was really cold this morning and he slept through the night. I first thought he was dead. It's a continuous process.

So, for now...happy and pregnant! Will keep you updated

8/29/2016

Better

 I am doing better. That med was nuts and made me feel crazy. I feel more like me now. I still am having anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Its better than feeling like shit though, and not being able to sleep. I see my doc next week. We will discuss options then, but I am not going to try more medications like that. I don't know what other options I have but I do not want to feel like that.

It's hot. I am over the summer heat. I am looking forward to fall, not going back to work but the cool crisp air. Being hot has always made me cranky. I am having issues with a tooth and need a root canal...not fun at all! Getting that done tomorrow. Trying to get things done before back to school in three weeks. It will be nice for a fresh start to work, and to be more busy.

I see my OB next week. The one who delivered Ana and Caden. I love her. She is a very kind woman. I am going to ask about my cycle issues and see what she thinks. We've also turned in our adoption application to DHS, and have been finger printed. Our references have been contacted. I'm thinking we'll be licensed as a foster/adoptive home in Dec or Jan at the earliest. If I get pregnant before then we'll just put adoption on hold. I still want to adopt eventually.

I guess that's really it for now. Did I write about the dream I had a little while ago? Don't think I did. Well, I had a dream that my friend gave birth to twin girls, who were healthy (she lost her twin boys last year). Then I was at some type of church gathering with my children. I had a boy, about 5 or 6 named Sam. I had the distinct impression he was adopted. Caden wasn't there, but Ana was! She was about 13, and was upset that she wouldn't be able to be a teenager on earth, so she was going to be a teenager in heaven! She had a big attitude and my friend went to go talk with her. It was cool :)

That's all for now :)

Pills

Hello.
This will be somewhat of a rant, as it is past midnight and I cannot sleep. So, my doc put me on some new meds to help with my intrusive thoughts/anxiety. It has been a roller coaster of a few weeks trying two different meds. One made me sick so I stopped. This one has been interesting. The first day I was sedated. Then, the last four nights I cannot sleep before 1 or 2am despite feeling tired. It's like inside is going and buzzing...it is unpleasant. My mind feels hyper focused but not in a good way. I am tired. This was what I was nervous about...becoming a guinea pig. Yes, I do believe I need help. my anxiety/trauma/depression/what ever label you want to use has gotten worse since having my son. I think a lot of it is trauma related, and fear of losing him. I'm in therapy with a good therapist. Though sometimes she pushes a little to hard.

I trust myself. I know myself. I know what is best for myself, even if I don't act on it. I know that I need to eat healthier, and exercise. I know that will improve both my mood and how I feel physically (worn out, stomach issues, dizzy, nauseous). I need to take care of myself.

I know my doctor and my therapist would like me to give the meds longer to work, or increase the dose to see if that helps. But seriously...I feel so fucked up. I feel high, or...out of it. It's really hard to describe. It feels like I'm anticipating something but can't identify it. Damn and I tired. I have an apt. next week with her so I'll talk with her then. I'm done taking that med. Done. Gotta trust myself that that is what is best. I don't want to deal with those scary thoughts though..the intrusive images of my son dead. No, I don't want to live like that. There has got to be other ways to manage it than drugs. I have had success on antidepressants and anxiety medications but it is not touching these thoughts, and the drugs they have me on right now are not helping.

I should really try sleeping but I feel like I just lay there and think and squirm and it's uncomfortable. I know my son will be awake in a few hours and I will be cranky and tired. I just hope this med comes out of my system quickly.

I am going to try to come up with some sort of health plan. More varied diet, with more fruit and veggies. Supplements, exercise. Maybe essential oils. More meditating, getting reconnected with my spiritual self. I know it will at least help.

I am so tired.

Mid summer

Hi Blog
I should write more. Summer is about half way over. I've had a few visits from my sister, which was nice. I wish we lived closer to each other. I'm in a funk. I am asking for help though and trying to be open with my husband about my feelings. I'm still not pregnant, which is probably a good thing. It gives me time to focus on getting healthy. I feel like I have a lot going on in my head. Counseling is going well. I am trying a new medication to help with my anxiety/intrusive thoughts. We'll see if it helps. I am not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago, which is nice. It's been really hot and humid and that has not been helpful. Tomorrow my husband is off and we're going to have a date, child free which will be nice. It's been a long time. I think I will get in the pool and exercise today. I know it will help, the motivation is just low. I hope that by the time I go back to school in about 5 weeks I will be feeling better and ready. The summer is definitely not going how I imagined (care free, happy, fun). There has been fun times I just need to have more of that! Really trying. Going out with Empty Arms friends on Wednesday for dinner. Will be nice. I really like them. They understand the pain of losing a child, and I just like being around them. Even when we aren't talking about our children. I find comfort in being around people who get it.

In other news I went to the meeting at DHS about adoption/foster. We have turned in our application for adoption through the state. Its a long process involving home study, finger printing, inspection by fire marshall...but it's something I've always wanted to do. Also takes me mind of trying to get pregnant. If we can adopt a baby, maybe I'll be done with having biological children. I don't know. I want to have another bio baby, but really the anxiety is so intense. I am hopeful for the future, for both myself and my family.

Coping?

how do you cope? I feel like it's just one thing after another. One trigger after another. Barely floating than WHAM a wave. I feel like I am being judged. I feel like others don't see my loss as significant. I don't know why I care. I guess I just want Ana's life to be acknowledged and valued. That is really important to me. I feel like the world doesn't get it.

and they don't. And that should be a good thing, that most people don't know my pain. I just need validation. Validation that it hurts and this is an incredibly difficult journey. Sometimes I really am ok. I don't know why the last few months have been more difficult. I've had more anxiety and depression in general. I can't seem to get out of this one. I feel really alone. I am trying to speak about it but it's hard. I know people care but ...they aren't in my head.

Not really sure what will help. I have therapy tomorrow and that's good. Will try and get out once Toby is home. Go for a walk, try and do something fun. Need to focus on positive things.

Apples and Oranges

Ugh. Love how you can be slapped in the face with grief when you least expect it, and by those you least expect it from.

A friend's dog died recently. She shared a video her son made her about the dog. It was sad and a beautiful tribute. The dog had been sick for a while, but had lived a long healthy life. In her post on facebook, she called the dog her baby. I was triggered by this, as dogs are not babies. I can understand the deep love we have for our pets. I had two dogs I grew up with, and I loved them deeply. I was very saddened by their passing. I remember when we were discussing putting my dog down, and I was sobbing. I said that Sunny was my baby. My mother said, "Michelle, he is not your baby". I was very angered by this. However, years later I lost my daughter, and learned she was right. My dog was not my baby. Anastasia Maeve Paradis was my baby.

The pain of losing my dog is nowhere near the pain of losing my daughter. I apparently upset this friend, who must have shared my private message with a mutual friend. This mutual friend posted a scathing rant publicly saying her dog had been her baby, and repeated "baby" over and over again, saying go ahead and delete her if I didn't like it. She then stated she had carried babies within her body, and losing her dog hurt more than losing those babies.

I was dumbfounded. Seriously? I'm not sure what to think of that. Is is possible for someone to have more pain over losing an animal than a child? I just..don't get it. I however don't think she was wanting to be pregnant, and had a miscarriage...I could be wrong, but not sure. I do not feel that losing your pet dog, and losing your child are even in the same stratosphere. For her to suggest they are, and in fact losing a dog was worse was very painful for me. I'm sorry, no matter how much you love your dog, you love your children more. I did not fully understand this until I lost my daughter.

Nothing, not even watching my mother die from cancer was more painful than holding my dead child in my arms.

I am having a rough day. I sent her a private polite message and blocked her. I cannot see those types of posts. It makes me feel like she is invalidating Ana's life. Like her life is not worth more than a dog. I freaking love dogs, and miss mine all the time but it does not equate to a human child...I'm sorry. I just can't see that.

I was able to talk to my sister and a fellow loss Mom friend, and that helped immensely. The advice was to be glad they do not know the pain of losing a child, and their worst day is losing a pet. I am really trying to focus on that...