Hello blog.
Long time no write. Been having some trouble lately. I guess I'm just lost in the "blah" of life. My rainbow, Caden is 10 months now and doing well. He had some illness issues in the beginning (asthma, hospitalized twice, frequent ear infections) but seems like things are getting better. I love being his Mom, and he gets me through the hard times. I feel like since I have him now, I should be happy and things should be easier.
Its been a little over a year since my Mom died, and almost three years since Ana. I miss them both, and they are on my mind a lot lately. Trying to figure out what to do for Ana's third birthday. I want to get a ballon and bring it to the cemetery. Also want to make a cake. I miss my Mom...and am sad that she is missing out on being a grandmother.
I'm just feeling kind of depressed lately. I can't really identify anything aside from grief, not fully enjoying one of the schools I work at. I have a new job working as a school social worker, and I enjoy it. It has great benefits. Just still getting to know people. It can be overwhelming at times, as I am working with a high needs population.
My friends have had a lot of loss lately. My Dad moved to Florida for the winter. It's just all kind of weird and I miss how things used to be. I guess I need to get some work done. I just miss my little girl. I want her here. I worry a lot about my son dying. I try and not let my mind wander, but it's hard some days. I do think we will be ready soon to try for rainbow #2 which is exciting.
I'll try to write more.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Monday, February 9, 2015
Checking in
Hello
I'm alive, and managing. Caden is doing well. I am almost 30 weeks. I'm now seeing my OB weekly, getting weekly NSTs and BPPs. While I am happy to be so closely monitored, it is hard to schedule work and be overwhelmed. I am trying to just get through each day. Only 7 weeks left! I can do it. Our c-section was scheduled for 37 weeks, April 2nd. I'm not sure that will stick though, my OB is double checking with the perinatologist. He wanted to go 39 weeks. I'm scared and worried. I don't want him to have issues coming to early, but I don't want to go much past 37 either. PLUS I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I am going to a class tomorrow to learn more about it. Talk about added stress, huh? I miss my Mom and Ana a lot too. Being pregnant, and getting close reminds me of Ana and the end of my pregnancy. I miss her, and I am getting more flashbacks to her birth. It's so hard. BUT, overall this pregnancy has been less stressful than I had imagined while trying to conceive. Ok, that's enough for now. Time to zone out to crap TV.
I'm alive, and managing. Caden is doing well. I am almost 30 weeks. I'm now seeing my OB weekly, getting weekly NSTs and BPPs. While I am happy to be so closely monitored, it is hard to schedule work and be overwhelmed. I am trying to just get through each day. Only 7 weeks left! I can do it. Our c-section was scheduled for 37 weeks, April 2nd. I'm not sure that will stick though, my OB is double checking with the perinatologist. He wanted to go 39 weeks. I'm scared and worried. I don't want him to have issues coming to early, but I don't want to go much past 37 either. PLUS I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I am going to a class tomorrow to learn more about it. Talk about added stress, huh? I miss my Mom and Ana a lot too. Being pregnant, and getting close reminds me of Ana and the end of my pregnancy. I miss her, and I am getting more flashbacks to her birth. It's so hard. BUT, overall this pregnancy has been less stressful than I had imagined while trying to conceive. Ok, that's enough for now. Time to zone out to crap TV.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Trying to heal
Hello journal.
I am tired. Very tired, and drained. It's been a crazy few weeks. Baby Caden is doing well, I'm 24weeks and 5 days pregnant. I wish it would go faster and we could meet him. But, really I only have 12 weeks and a few days until we meet him! Whoa! I have been feeling the urge to get things ready so I went through his clothes. Due to a donation from a friend, we have plenty of 0-3 clothes, some 3-6, and a little 6+. So, we will need some bigger stuff, and blankets. We do still need a rocker, but we have $175 in gift certificates for babies-r-us so we should be able to get one.
I miss my Mom. It's still not sunk all the way in that she is gone. I keep forgetting, it's like torture every time I remember. I keep getting the urge to text or call her, but then I remember. That probably happened ten times yesterday. It is so hard. I just want to talk to her. I know I can talk to her, but it just seems to hard right now. I do believe she can hear me, and we can have some communication but I just miss being able to call her, vent and have her make me feel better. I just want my Mom. I want her to be here for the rest of my pregnancy and to meet Caden. I know she is with us in spirit, but it's just not good enough. I'm so tired. Not only am I grieving, but being pregnant and working full time is hard. My heart doesn't feel in my work, because I'm so drained. I am tired of winter, and it just began here in Maine. I want the warm sun, flowers and grass. I'd love to be able to go for walks in nature. It will come I suppose. I wish I didn't have to work full time. I'd rather focus on self care and getting ready for baby. But, gotta do it. At least it's not for to terribly long before I go on maternity leave. Then I am thinking of switching jobs...at least location so I can be closer to my Dad and sister. I want more friends, or atleast closer friends so I can hang out with them and have a social life. I have friends here but I barely see them. So I hope one day to have that back, and have a wider support network. I know all these things will come, but it's hard sitting here in the cold darkness of winter.
So..that's where I am at. Tired, ready for happiness and warmth and spring. New life and new hope. It's coming, right around the corner I just wish I could rest and sleep until it was here!
I am tired. Very tired, and drained. It's been a crazy few weeks. Baby Caden is doing well, I'm 24weeks and 5 days pregnant. I wish it would go faster and we could meet him. But, really I only have 12 weeks and a few days until we meet him! Whoa! I have been feeling the urge to get things ready so I went through his clothes. Due to a donation from a friend, we have plenty of 0-3 clothes, some 3-6, and a little 6+. So, we will need some bigger stuff, and blankets. We do still need a rocker, but we have $175 in gift certificates for babies-r-us so we should be able to get one.
I miss my Mom. It's still not sunk all the way in that she is gone. I keep forgetting, it's like torture every time I remember. I keep getting the urge to text or call her, but then I remember. That probably happened ten times yesterday. It is so hard. I just want to talk to her. I know I can talk to her, but it just seems to hard right now. I do believe she can hear me, and we can have some communication but I just miss being able to call her, vent and have her make me feel better. I just want my Mom. I want her to be here for the rest of my pregnancy and to meet Caden. I know she is with us in spirit, but it's just not good enough. I'm so tired. Not only am I grieving, but being pregnant and working full time is hard. My heart doesn't feel in my work, because I'm so drained. I am tired of winter, and it just began here in Maine. I want the warm sun, flowers and grass. I'd love to be able to go for walks in nature. It will come I suppose. I wish I didn't have to work full time. I'd rather focus on self care and getting ready for baby. But, gotta do it. At least it's not for to terribly long before I go on maternity leave. Then I am thinking of switching jobs...at least location so I can be closer to my Dad and sister. I want more friends, or atleast closer friends so I can hang out with them and have a social life. I have friends here but I barely see them. So I hope one day to have that back, and have a wider support network. I know all these things will come, but it's hard sitting here in the cold darkness of winter.
So..that's where I am at. Tired, ready for happiness and warmth and spring. New life and new hope. It's coming, right around the corner I just wish I could rest and sleep until it was here!
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Losses
Hi blog.
I am doing well physically. Baby is doing well. Lots of movement, and he is definitely developing a little personality :)
My Mom became really ill around Dec. 10th. She had gone for a CAT scan to check on her tumor. They discovered the cancer, despite chemo and radiation, had spread to her liver. They also discovered a blood clot in her lung. She was admitted to the hospital and they began to treat the blood clot. She began to feel better, but by the 11th/12th began to struggle with other things, such as being tired and not eating or going to the bathroom. By the 14th we knew something was wrong and she had stopped urinating completely. The docs said her kidneys were shutting down. We tried treating that aggressively, but because of the cancer it was not affective. She became less and less aware of what was going on and slept most of the time. On the morning of Dec 16th, we knew she was not going to make it much longer. We switched from treatment to comfort measures, as she was dying and in pain. I rushed up to an OB appointment, because that's what she would have wanted to do. Before I left, I told her I loved her, and she said "I love you too". Those were the last words she spoke to me. I came back after my appointment (2.5 hours away) and she passed that night, surrounded by family and love. One of her last words had been "pizza" so we had a pizza party in her room for dinner. Hopefully she was able to smell it atleast! We talked and joked with her while her breathing slowed down, and she eventually passed. It was peaceful and there was no pain.
It all happened so much faster than we thought it would. We anticipated another six months. We anticipated she would be here in April when my rainbow was born. So, while we knew she was dying, we had a lot left undone. I bought her a recordable book for Caden that she didn't get to do, I bought both my sister and myself a Grandmother memory book I was going to have her do. That didn't get filled out either. Mom was knitting a rainbow blanket for Caden that didn't get done. Her best friend will be finishing it for us, which is so sweet.
I am in shock. Her funeral is the 30th. She had SO many friends and coworkers who loved her. My Aunts have been up as well, and I feel supported by our families. It's just so hard, and I keep forgetting she died. I keep thinking "oh I want to text Mom about that" or "I should call Mom". Then I'll remember. Totally sucks. She was a major source of support for me, and has been my whole life. When I am upset I prefer to talk to her over my husband! I'm much better about that now, but she has always been my go-to person. It is going to be hard to get through this pregnancy without her. I am more scared now that the baby will die. I think it's more fear that if something DID happen, I don't have her here to help me like she did with Ana. My Mom really helped me get through Ana's death. She practically lived with me for two weeks, then came up for weekends. I love her so much. She was an amazing Mom.
I know she is now my guardian angel, holding Ana tight (I'm a little jealous) and will be watching over Caden as he enters this world. Caden will be one very lucky boy with an angel sister and Mimi watching out for him!
I'm heading back to my parents house for Christmas and the funeral. I've lost three people in less than two years (Ana, my Grandfather and now my Mom). I am just so tired. I am looking forward to happiness! I guess I am coping well....or I'm just in such sock right now I'm not dealing with it. Because I am pregnant I am being very careful to take care of myself and not get to overwhelmed.
Ok, that's all for now. Feels good to get it out.
Merry freakin' Christmas
I am doing well physically. Baby is doing well. Lots of movement, and he is definitely developing a little personality :)
My Mom became really ill around Dec. 10th. She had gone for a CAT scan to check on her tumor. They discovered the cancer, despite chemo and radiation, had spread to her liver. They also discovered a blood clot in her lung. She was admitted to the hospital and they began to treat the blood clot. She began to feel better, but by the 11th/12th began to struggle with other things, such as being tired and not eating or going to the bathroom. By the 14th we knew something was wrong and she had stopped urinating completely. The docs said her kidneys were shutting down. We tried treating that aggressively, but because of the cancer it was not affective. She became less and less aware of what was going on and slept most of the time. On the morning of Dec 16th, we knew she was not going to make it much longer. We switched from treatment to comfort measures, as she was dying and in pain. I rushed up to an OB appointment, because that's what she would have wanted to do. Before I left, I told her I loved her, and she said "I love you too". Those were the last words she spoke to me. I came back after my appointment (2.5 hours away) and she passed that night, surrounded by family and love. One of her last words had been "pizza" so we had a pizza party in her room for dinner. Hopefully she was able to smell it atleast! We talked and joked with her while her breathing slowed down, and she eventually passed. It was peaceful and there was no pain.
It all happened so much faster than we thought it would. We anticipated another six months. We anticipated she would be here in April when my rainbow was born. So, while we knew she was dying, we had a lot left undone. I bought her a recordable book for Caden that she didn't get to do, I bought both my sister and myself a Grandmother memory book I was going to have her do. That didn't get filled out either. Mom was knitting a rainbow blanket for Caden that didn't get done. Her best friend will be finishing it for us, which is so sweet.
I am in shock. Her funeral is the 30th. She had SO many friends and coworkers who loved her. My Aunts have been up as well, and I feel supported by our families. It's just so hard, and I keep forgetting she died. I keep thinking "oh I want to text Mom about that" or "I should call Mom". Then I'll remember. Totally sucks. She was a major source of support for me, and has been my whole life. When I am upset I prefer to talk to her over my husband! I'm much better about that now, but she has always been my go-to person. It is going to be hard to get through this pregnancy without her. I am more scared now that the baby will die. I think it's more fear that if something DID happen, I don't have her here to help me like she did with Ana. My Mom really helped me get through Ana's death. She practically lived with me for two weeks, then came up for weekends. I love her so much. She was an amazing Mom.
I know she is now my guardian angel, holding Ana tight (I'm a little jealous) and will be watching over Caden as he enters this world. Caden will be one very lucky boy with an angel sister and Mimi watching out for him!
I'm heading back to my parents house for Christmas and the funeral. I've lost three people in less than two years (Ana, my Grandfather and now my Mom). I am just so tired. I am looking forward to happiness! I guess I am coping well....or I'm just in such sock right now I'm not dealing with it. Because I am pregnant I am being very careful to take care of myself and not get to overwhelmed.
Ok, that's all for now. Feels good to get it out.
Merry freakin' Christmas
Monday, December 8, 2014
It's a BOY!
Hello blog!
So, we've been busy. My life is so crazy right now, but good things are happening. We had our anatomy scan on Dec 3rd. Everything looks good, and...it's a BOY! I am relieved, as that was what we were hoping for. I think it will be easier emotionally to separate this baby from Ana as a boy, as opposed to if it's a girl. I do think my next baby will be a girl :) But, definitely taking a break from baby making after this one for a little while! My life for the past two plus years has been baby making.
Anyway, we are very excited! His name is Caden. We've had it picked out for years. Not sure on middle name yet. Still working on it. We want to include my Mom in it somehow. She likes Frank (her Dad's name) but I can't handle Frank! haha. Thomas and Scott are contenders (my Grandfather's middle and last name). I will post pics soon (I'm on my work computer).
Mom is doing ok. She finished chemo, and today is having some testing to see if the chemo/radiation helped. She has been very tired, dealing with a leg infection. She is doing much better, but still very wiped out. I miss being able to talk to her whenever I want. She is usually to tired or drugged up to talk to. It's so, so hard. I wish life wasn't so cruel sometimes....
We are hopeful she will make it to see the baby, and be able to come here for the birth. I think Mom sometimes isn't sure she will make it. She's more depressed and then doesn't take as good care of herself.
Please send us prayers and good vibes, we could use it!
So, we've been busy. My life is so crazy right now, but good things are happening. We had our anatomy scan on Dec 3rd. Everything looks good, and...it's a BOY! I am relieved, as that was what we were hoping for. I think it will be easier emotionally to separate this baby from Ana as a boy, as opposed to if it's a girl. I do think my next baby will be a girl :) But, definitely taking a break from baby making after this one for a little while! My life for the past two plus years has been baby making.
Anyway, we are very excited! His name is Caden. We've had it picked out for years. Not sure on middle name yet. Still working on it. We want to include my Mom in it somehow. She likes Frank (her Dad's name) but I can't handle Frank! haha. Thomas and Scott are contenders (my Grandfather's middle and last name). I will post pics soon (I'm on my work computer).
Mom is doing ok. She finished chemo, and today is having some testing to see if the chemo/radiation helped. She has been very tired, dealing with a leg infection. She is doing much better, but still very wiped out. I miss being able to talk to her whenever I want. She is usually to tired or drugged up to talk to. It's so, so hard. I wish life wasn't so cruel sometimes....
We are hopeful she will make it to see the baby, and be able to come here for the birth. I think Mom sometimes isn't sure she will make it. She's more depressed and then doesn't take as good care of herself.
Please send us prayers and good vibes, we could use it!
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Updates
Hello. I need a little journaling therapy!
A lot has been going on. My pregnancy is going fine, first of all. I am 17weeks 3 days pregnant, feeling baby kick :) It doesn't make me as anxious as I thought it would, but I'm not feeling strong kicks yet and once I do...well, not going to borrow trouble. I see my OB on Thurs and I'm hoping for an ultrasound and maybe finding out the gender! That would be great. If not we have our anatomy scan on Dec. 3rd. We will also be meeting with a specialist to discuss delivery options.
So. Not sure the last time I wrote...
My Mom has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We've known I think two months. It totally sucks. The tumor is large, and inoperable. It is terminal, all we can do is extend life by chemo/radiation. This is of course devastating news, and we all hope she will make it to meet our rainbow baby. She has undergone radiation and is undergoing chemo. It has been tough on her. She is very tired and needs help with daily living stuff.
On 11/6, I got a call that my grandfather had died. He was 87, and we were expecting it due to him having heart issues. It was of course sad, and I went down to my parents house (3 hours south of me). My Mom is not doing well, and was unable to travel and unable to be alone. So, since I was pregnant I elected to stay with Mom over the 12 hour car ride to Pennsylvania for the funeral. Mom wasn't looking good at all. Swollen legs, extreme fatigue, wasn't eating much and not peeing much. I took her to the doctor the next day due to her legs looking worse. She was then transported to the ER by an ambulance. She was admitted and spent a week at the hospital. Mom was sick, scared and did not want to be there. She thought it was the end. They discovered a large clot in her leg. Lots of tests and blood draws, and she was also dehydrated, anemic and low on potassium and magnesium. She also had a low red blood cell count. So, she got tons of fluids, blood thinners, antibiotics and a blood transfusion. She looked SO MUCH better. Her legs got better and her personality came back. I discharged her home, and that night we needed to go back because she got a nose bleed. Due to being on a blood thinner, we were told if she started to bleed we needed to get help ASAP. Luckily the bleeding stopped and we went home.
Since coming home, she is tired and a bit grumpy. She is also depressed (no doubt) and we've had a lot of conversations about this potentially being the last holiday she will be with us, not getting much time with the baby, and missing my sister's wedding and babies. It's so hard, and not fair. So, I was totally wiped out.
Aside from taking care of my Mom, I was taking care of a large house, wood stove and three animals. Traveling back and forth between the hospital, being emotional support for my Mom. I was exhausted, and still am. We came back late Thursday night and I worked half a day Friday, and am working today. I am exhausted. It feels better getting that all out. my work schedule/duties will be changing soon, which I am looking forward to. It will be less intense, I will have weekends off as well as holidays...plus a safer environment for my pregnancy. All and all a good thing.
Ok, back to work. I am so tired!!
A lot has been going on. My pregnancy is going fine, first of all. I am 17weeks 3 days pregnant, feeling baby kick :) It doesn't make me as anxious as I thought it would, but I'm not feeling strong kicks yet and once I do...well, not going to borrow trouble. I see my OB on Thurs and I'm hoping for an ultrasound and maybe finding out the gender! That would be great. If not we have our anatomy scan on Dec. 3rd. We will also be meeting with a specialist to discuss delivery options.
So. Not sure the last time I wrote...
My Mom has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We've known I think two months. It totally sucks. The tumor is large, and inoperable. It is terminal, all we can do is extend life by chemo/radiation. This is of course devastating news, and we all hope she will make it to meet our rainbow baby. She has undergone radiation and is undergoing chemo. It has been tough on her. She is very tired and needs help with daily living stuff.
On 11/6, I got a call that my grandfather had died. He was 87, and we were expecting it due to him having heart issues. It was of course sad, and I went down to my parents house (3 hours south of me). My Mom is not doing well, and was unable to travel and unable to be alone. So, since I was pregnant I elected to stay with Mom over the 12 hour car ride to Pennsylvania for the funeral. Mom wasn't looking good at all. Swollen legs, extreme fatigue, wasn't eating much and not peeing much. I took her to the doctor the next day due to her legs looking worse. She was then transported to the ER by an ambulance. She was admitted and spent a week at the hospital. Mom was sick, scared and did not want to be there. She thought it was the end. They discovered a large clot in her leg. Lots of tests and blood draws, and she was also dehydrated, anemic and low on potassium and magnesium. She also had a low red blood cell count. So, she got tons of fluids, blood thinners, antibiotics and a blood transfusion. She looked SO MUCH better. Her legs got better and her personality came back. I discharged her home, and that night we needed to go back because she got a nose bleed. Due to being on a blood thinner, we were told if she started to bleed we needed to get help ASAP. Luckily the bleeding stopped and we went home.
Since coming home, she is tired and a bit grumpy. She is also depressed (no doubt) and we've had a lot of conversations about this potentially being the last holiday she will be with us, not getting much time with the baby, and missing my sister's wedding and babies. It's so hard, and not fair. So, I was totally wiped out.
Aside from taking care of my Mom, I was taking care of a large house, wood stove and three animals. Traveling back and forth between the hospital, being emotional support for my Mom. I was exhausted, and still am. We came back late Thursday night and I worked half a day Friday, and am working today. I am exhausted. It feels better getting that all out. my work schedule/duties will be changing soon, which I am looking forward to. It will be less intense, I will have weekends off as well as holidays...plus a safer environment for my pregnancy. All and all a good thing.
Ok, back to work. I am so tired!!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Lots going on
Hello blog. So there has been a lot going on.
Baby and I are doing well. I've had two ultrasounds and the intake appointment with the nurse. Ultrasounds went well, baby is measuring on time. Looks like my offical due date will be April 22nd or around there. I see my OB (finally) on Thursday.
My appointment with the nurse didn't go so well. She brought us back, and asked if this was my first pregnancy. (She had my file right in front of her, as well as on the computer). I said no. She then asked if I breast fed my first. I am a very polite person, but nearly lost it when I said "she died". The nurse then looked at the computer and said "oh, it says it right there, fetal demise 36 weeks". She then made the excuse that "I didn't even know I was doing an interview this morning, so I didn't have a chance to read your file". She was non sympathic. I started crying and she said nothing. I WILL be talking with my OB about it. Totally not impressed, and unneccisary. Made me very upset.
Then, to top it all off my Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Yeah. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst types to get. She's had a biopsy, and it's spread to lymph nodes and major blood vessels. They said without treatment, 6 months. With treatment, 12-18 months. She's starting chemo tomorrow, for three weeks then three weeks of radiation. She's in a fair amount of pain and it is really hard to watch. We're all hopeful that she will get to meet the baby. It just totally sucks. I want my Mom to be able to be a grandmother. I'm not ready for her to go yet.
So, that's about all for now. My life has been very busy and intense. Really for some peace...
Baby and I are doing well. I've had two ultrasounds and the intake appointment with the nurse. Ultrasounds went well, baby is measuring on time. Looks like my offical due date will be April 22nd or around there. I see my OB (finally) on Thursday.
My appointment with the nurse didn't go so well. She brought us back, and asked if this was my first pregnancy. (She had my file right in front of her, as well as on the computer). I said no. She then asked if I breast fed my first. I am a very polite person, but nearly lost it when I said "she died". The nurse then looked at the computer and said "oh, it says it right there, fetal demise 36 weeks". She then made the excuse that "I didn't even know I was doing an interview this morning, so I didn't have a chance to read your file". She was non sympathic. I started crying and she said nothing. I WILL be talking with my OB about it. Totally not impressed, and unneccisary. Made me very upset.
Then, to top it all off my Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Yeah. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst types to get. She's had a biopsy, and it's spread to lymph nodes and major blood vessels. They said without treatment, 6 months. With treatment, 12-18 months. She's starting chemo tomorrow, for three weeks then three weeks of radiation. She's in a fair amount of pain and it is really hard to watch. We're all hopeful that she will get to meet the baby. It just totally sucks. I want my Mom to be able to be a grandmother. I'm not ready for her to go yet.
So, that's about all for now. My life has been very busy and intense. Really for some peace...
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