Birthday

Hi. Ana's 1st birthday was yesterday. Don't know if I have the energy to post all about it now. I'm at work, and emotionally exhausted. Overall it was a good weekend with family and friends. I made cupcakes, we did a balloon release, brought a balloon to her grave (through the snow and ice!) and I worked on her dried flowers. Here are some pics from the festivities, I'll write more later!

Ana's butterfly cupcakes

Ana's balloons

Pretty girl...

Had to post a pic I took recently....been a while since we had flowers around. My sweet flower baby..

Updates

Hello world. Been a while since I updated, and I should get back ino it. We survived the holidays. It sucked, but we made it. It was quiet and we did different traditions to make it different. Last year we were very happy, I was very pregnant and we got mostly baby stuff. So, glad the holidays are done.

I felt good about 2014. New year, new hope. We started trying for our rainbow after three months on birth control to regulate my cycles. I was really hopeful for the first cycle (January). I haven't ovulated in so long, since I concieved Ana I believe. So, I actually ovulated which is a big deal! Plus I had a pretty normal cycle...I think it was 35 days. Which is amazing for me. All good things. I really, really want to be pregnant. It has been difficult...I have numerous pregnant friends, and just found out a friend from our support group is pregnant and due in April! Which is close to Ana's birthday, and we both lost daughters with due dates in March 2013. So I feel like i'm "behind" and I'm so jealous. Ugh.

February has been difficult. It's coming up to Ana's birthday, March 2nd. I'm more cranky, tired, my stomach has been bothering me. I'm teary and whiney. I can't believe a year has gone by. It makes me sad and depressed. Where has this year gone? I'm glad to see it go...but angry that I have lost a year of my life to grief and pain.

Ana's bday...less than a month away. They think she died a few days before her bday, so one of the last days in Feb. I'm nervous about it, and overwhelmed. I'm thinking we'll do cup cakes, with pink frosting...maybe little butterflies or something. My parents are coming up. I assume we'll invite my husband's parents. My sister. Probably Ana's godmother and my friend. We'll try to focus on the positive and celebrate her gifts to us. She lived, and we love her so much. I miss my baby girl and want desperately to have her with me. I've been struggling with what's "fair" and what I "deserve". Life isn't fair, and people don't get what they deserve. I deserve my daughter, and I deserve to be pregnant again. I will have my rainbow...I just need to be patient.

In honor of valentines day....the last holiday my daughter was alive for...

Dreams

Hi blog. Trying to write more frequently. It helps. I had a bad dream last night about Ana. It's been a while, but after she died they were frequent. Usually involves going shopping and seeing the little girl stuff and realizing I can't buy any of it. Last night was similar, except I was going through her clothes. It is always in my childhood bedroom in my dreams...which I'm sure is significant. I'm going through her beautiful clothes, and I want to dress her. Then I remember she is buried and I can't. For  a split second I think of digging her up so I can dress her. I also think about dressing up a baby doll in her clothes then realize that is unhealthy. In the dream I start crying as I pile her clothes up. In a recent dream I was looking at boy clothes (I'm pretty sure our rainbow will be a boy) and found one of her dresses in with the boy clothes. It was so sad. Another common dream is that we have to move and take down her nursery. It sucks. Sometimes before I fall asleep I get intrusive thoughts, or almost like PTSD flashbacks. I see the ultrasound when we found out her heart stopped, or delivery, or her beautiful face. Or leaving her at the hospital. Or her little casket...I try really hard to stop those thoughts as they are disturbing. It's a constant battle to remain sane. I miss my little girl and I am really bitter. Everyone else seems to have their babies. Some don't even realize how lucky they are, and take their kids for granted. What really bothers me is when Mothers complain about being tired or unruly toddlers. I'd do anything to be in your position.

Ok I have to go to work and hoping that getting this out makes an easier day. Lets see if I can find a pretty picture to put in here...

This is one of my favorite pics I found...reminds me of my butterfly girl

Eight months

Hi blog. Today my angel would be eight months old. I cannot believe it has been that long. I feel like I am living in a fog...I am a robot. I am functioning, but barely. I do the bare minimum to get by. Now my physical, mental and spiritual health are suffering. I sometimes stuff my grief because it is so painful to acknowledge that my baby died. She's dead. I still cannot believe it eight months later. It's not fair at all. I recently found out I am sensitive to gluten as well as corn, beef and cane sugar. I started out trying to change my eating and became overwhelmed. Most days I feel sick, fat, tired and have hot flashes. I'm sure that diet is a part of this. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. This makes me feel dumb, and fat and unhealthy. I had a split second thought there I worried it might have affected Ana. I know it didn't, but that guilt sometimes sneaks up.

I've done something to my shoulder, no idea what but it hurts. My back hurts. I think I've gained weight and am retaining fluid. I feel foggy and yucky most of the time. I've gone through a lot of changes...aside from grieving, my new found food sensitivities, sleep apnea, taking a bunch of supplements, changed to a natural thyroid medicine, and started birth control. I didn't want to. I had to because I have PCOS and my cycles have been crazy since Ana. I don't think I was ovulating. So, we're on the pill until January. Then trying again. It's just not fair...some people don't even try and they get pregnant. We want a child so badly...we're good people, have good jobs and would be great parents. It's just not fair at all. I hate how people think grief is linear. I'm still grieving, my child is dead. How long would you grieve? The next few months will be hard..holidays, then nearing her birthday. I hope we get pregnant quickly so I at least have that to look forward to. I know I need to get healthy...I will feel much better. I just need to find the motivation.

I love you so much angel, and wish you were here in my arms. Thank you for the signs you give me. I know we will meet again. In the meantime, send me your siblings!!!

Missing her

Hello blog. I need to write more. My grief has piled up. Sometimes it is just to hard to grieve, and let myself feel those feelings. It piles up and overtakes me, starts impacting my life. I started to become more bitter and snappy at work. Less able to handle every day stress. It just hurts so much I don't want to face the pain. I know I have to, though. October has been hard. 7 months mark, pregnancy & infant loss month, our rememberance walk. Halloween is next week. The first outfit he bought her was a "my first halloween" onsie. This just sucks. I'm tired of people complaining about their kids. I'm tired of it all....  

Here is the poster from our remembrance walk. It was a great event and lots of people came out...

On the left is me with Ana after we decorated for fall. On the right is a picture from our local newspaper, me looking at my "Held Your Whole Life" necklace

Above, Me my husband and my sister on the day of the walk

Ana's balloon

 

 

I know I need to writer more, but that's all I got for now. I miss you so much angel girl!

Capture your grief

Hello. I'm participating in Carly Marie's "Capture Your Grief" project for infant/pregnancy loss awareness month. Today is day 2, "Identity". Here is my picture:

Anastasia Maeve. March 2nd, 2013 at 2:24pm. 5lbs 11oz, 181/2" long. Gorgeous girl with her Daddy's lips and cheeks, Mommy's nose and face shape. She had a flat butt, and long fingers. She had a lot of soft, light brown hair. She was perfect.