Missing her

Hello blog. I need to write more. My grief has piled up. Sometimes it is just to hard to grieve, and let myself feel those feelings. It piles up and overtakes me, starts impacting my life. I started to become more bitter and snappy at work. Less able to handle every day stress. It just hurts so much I don't want to face the pain. I know I have to, though. October has been hard. 7 months mark, pregnancy & infant loss month, our rememberance walk. Halloween is next week. The first outfit he bought her was a "my first halloween" onsie. This just sucks. I'm tired of people complaining about their kids. I'm tired of it all....  

Here is the poster from our remembrance walk. It was a great event and lots of people came out...

On the left is me with Ana after we decorated for fall. On the right is a picture from our local newspaper, me looking at my "Held Your Whole Life" necklace

Above, Me my husband and my sister on the day of the walk

Ana's balloon

 

 

I know I need to writer more, but that's all I got for now. I miss you so much angel girl!

Capture your grief

Hello. I'm participating in Carly Marie's "Capture Your Grief" project for infant/pregnancy loss awareness month. Today is day 2, "Identity". Here is my picture:

Anastasia Maeve. March 2nd, 2013 at 2:24pm. 5lbs 11oz, 181/2" long. Gorgeous girl with her Daddy's lips and cheeks, Mommy's nose and face shape. She had a flat butt, and long fingers. She had a lot of soft, light brown hair. She was perfect.

September

Hello sweet angel,
It's been six months. The six months mark was really, really hard. I didn't anticipate it to be so hard. Some days, I do really well and others I feel like I did that first week. Inconsolable, intense pain. Now, looking forward the the next six months and what those will look like. I cannot believe it is almost October. We found out you were a girl on Oct. 30th. Your 1st birthday is coming quick, I just cannot fathom. I was thinking earlier how the last 6, almost 7 months now have been a blur. Which is fine with me. I used to hate the passage of time, but now I could care less. Make it go fast. I want to fast forward to when I am pregnant with my rainbow.

Speaking of rainbows, I'm having a hard time getting pregnant. I don't think I'm ovulating. We've been trying 5 months. My doctor thinks I should go back on birthcontrol for three months to get regulated. While this makes sense to me, and is most likely the quickest and healthiest road to pregnancy, I broke down at her office. No, I don't want to go on the pill. Why can't I get pregnant like everyone else? (it seems). I know a lot of people whose children were not planned. I am so jealous. I should have a 6 month old. Totally sucks. I got my "Held Your Whole Life" necklace the other day. They make necklaces for Loss Moms. I love mine! Has a butterfly, and her birth stone aquamarine. I'll keep everyone updated. I miss Ana so, so so much. I know she is with me always.

And an ultrasound pic of Ana in September last year. I think this was 11 weeks? I remember her waving at us.

Prayer Flag

Hello world. Can't believe it's almost the end of August. Thinking of my baby girl (I do every day) but as we approach the six month mark, I'm having a harder time. Not sure why six months is significant, but it is. Half a year. She should be doing so much by now...smiling, cooing, sitting up. She should be teething and developing her personality. I should be the mother to a six month old. That is on my mind.

We participated in Aug 19th Day of Hope, started by Carlymarie. Here is the prayer flag we created, and her memorial area.

I look forward to creating a flag for her each year. My beautiful baby girl. She is the best daughter anyone could ask for. I miss you so much angel.

Baby girl

Still struggling. Missing my baby girl. Wanted to share my favorite picture of her. Her cute little butt...

Yesterday I bought a little piggy bank for her. We're collecting pennies and will donate them to March of Dimes or something like that. Here is her piggy bank on her little memorial area. I love Ana so, so much and just wish I could snuggle her.

Missing her

I'm sitting in my office, hiding from the co worker who just came back from maternity leave. I've switched jobs (but not agencies) so she doesn't know me. I spoke with my supervisor a few weeks ago and she said she would talk with this person before she came back to let her know about Ana. Well, apparently she didn't. She came in this morning talking about pumping, her pregnancy and signing to her baby. Really? When I see my supervisor tomorrow it will be hard when she asks how it went today because I might break down. Would it have been so hard to tell her? Why do I have to go through torture on top of my grief? Sometimes I just get so frustrated. I feel like hiding today. And I am, kind of. I should probably talk to her and tell her my story but I just don't feel like it. I told some co workers yesterday. I'm just tired. I don't want to make her upset either, but really I don't need the reminders of what I don't have. I had a lot of feelings today such as "she gets to have her baby" why not me? Makes me angry.

In other news, we're trying to conceive and I'm frustrated. I have long cycles and haven't regulated since giving birth. I'm not sure I've even ovulated since having Ana. I've had two periods (in 4 months). I had a positive ovulation test a few days ago but still didn't ovulate. I chart my temperatures so I know if/when I ovulate. It's just so, so annoying and frustrating. It didn't take much effort to get pregnant with Ana. I feel ready now. I wasn't before, and I can see that now. But, I am ready now so I want it to happen.

Ok, that's all from me for now.

5 Months

Five months, angel. I love you so much and cannot believe it has been this long. I am feeling hopeful today. I feel much more healthy then I have in a while. I am ready to be pregnant again. I am far enough away from your death to realize a new baby would not be you. I am ready to try, and feel joy and hope again. I saw a big rainbow today and I know your little brother (or sister, but I'm pretty sure a brother!) is near. Thank you angel for everything you have brought me and Daddy. Last night we went to a Lammas ritual (first harvest) and we went around saying what he were grateful for. It was really hard for Mommy to think of something I'm grateful for. I came up with family, and my improving health. Your Daddy was able to say he was thankful for you. I am too. Your Daddy is a strong, strong man. We're ready to move forward. You will always be our first, our precious little girl. I will always miss you. Some days will be really, really hard but I'm doing it. Are you proud of me? I know I have to live for both of us. I love you.