Hi Blog
I should write more. Summer is about half way over. I've had a few visits from my sister, which was nice. I wish we lived closer to each other. I'm in a funk. I am asking for help though and trying to be open with my husband about my feelings. I'm still not pregnant, which is probably a good thing. It gives me time to focus on getting healthy. I feel like I have a lot going on in my head. Counseling is going well. I am trying a new medication to help with my anxiety/intrusive thoughts. We'll see if it helps. I am not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago, which is nice. It's been really hot and humid and that has not been helpful. Tomorrow my husband is off and we're going to have a date, child free which will be nice. It's been a long time. I think I will get in the pool and exercise today. I know it will help, the motivation is just low. I hope that by the time I go back to school in about 5 weeks I will be feeling better and ready. The summer is definitely not going how I imagined (care free, happy, fun). There has been fun times I just need to have more of that! Really trying. Going out with Empty Arms friends on Wednesday for dinner. Will be nice. I really like them. They understand the pain of losing a child, and I just like being around them. Even when we aren't talking about our children. I find comfort in being around people who get it.
In other news I went to the meeting at DHS about adoption/foster. We have turned in our application for adoption through the state. Its a long process involving home study, finger printing, inspection by fire marshall...but it's something I've always wanted to do. Also takes me mind of trying to get pregnant. If we can adopt a baby, maybe I'll be done with having biological children. I don't know. I want to have another bio baby, but really the anxiety is so intense. I am hopeful for the future, for both myself and my family.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Monday, July 11, 2016
Coping?
how do you cope? I feel like it's just one thing after another. One trigger after another. Barely floating than WHAM a wave. I feel like I am being judged. I feel like others don't see my loss as significant. I don't know why I care. I guess I just want Ana's life to be acknowledged and valued. That is really important to me. I feel like the world doesn't get it.
and they don't. And that should be a good thing, that most people don't know my pain. I just need validation. Validation that it hurts and this is an incredibly difficult journey. Sometimes I really am ok. I don't know why the last few months have been more difficult. I've had more anxiety and depression in general. I can't seem to get out of this one. I feel really alone. I am trying to speak about it but it's hard. I know people care but ...they aren't in my head.
Not really sure what will help. I have therapy tomorrow and that's good. Will try and get out once Toby is home. Go for a walk, try and do something fun. Need to focus on positive things.
and they don't. And that should be a good thing, that most people don't know my pain. I just need validation. Validation that it hurts and this is an incredibly difficult journey. Sometimes I really am ok. I don't know why the last few months have been more difficult. I've had more anxiety and depression in general. I can't seem to get out of this one. I feel really alone. I am trying to speak about it but it's hard. I know people care but ...they aren't in my head.
Not really sure what will help. I have therapy tomorrow and that's good. Will try and get out once Toby is home. Go for a walk, try and do something fun. Need to focus on positive things.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Apples and Oranges
Ugh. Love how you can be slapped in the face with grief when you least expect it, and by those you least expect it from.
A friend's dog died recently. She shared a video her son made her about the dog. It was sad and a beautiful tribute. The dog had been sick for a while, but had lived a long healthy life. In her post on facebook, she called the dog her baby. I was triggered by this, as dogs are not babies. I can understand the deep love we have for our pets. I had two dogs I grew up with, and I loved them deeply. I was very saddened by their passing. I remember when we were discussing putting my dog down, and I was sobbing. I said that Sunny was my baby. My mother said, "Michelle, he is not your baby". I was very angered by this. However, years later I lost my daughter, and learned she was right. My dog was not my baby. Anastasia Maeve Paradis was my baby.
The pain of losing my dog is nowhere near the pain of losing my daughter. I apparently upset this friend, who must have shared my private message with a mutual friend. This mutual friend posted a scathing rant publicly saying her dog had been her baby, and repeated "baby" over and over again, saying go ahead and delete her if I didn't like it. She then stated she had carried babies within her body, and losing her dog hurt more than losing those babies.
I was dumbfounded. Seriously? I'm not sure what to think of that. Is is possible for someone to have more pain over losing an animal than a child? I just..don't get it. I however don't think she was wanting to be pregnant, and had a miscarriage...I could be wrong, but not sure. I do not feel that losing your pet dog, and losing your child are even in the same stratosphere. For her to suggest they are, and in fact losing a dog was worse was very painful for me. I'm sorry, no matter how much you love your dog, you love your children more. I did not fully understand this until I lost my daughter.
Nothing, not even watching my mother die from cancer was more painful than holding my dead child in my arms.
I am having a rough day. I sent her a private polite message and blocked her. I cannot see those types of posts. It makes me feel like she is invalidating Ana's life. Like her life is not worth more than a dog. I freaking love dogs, and miss mine all the time but it does not equate to a human child...I'm sorry. I just can't see that.
I was able to talk to my sister and a fellow loss Mom friend, and that helped immensely. The advice was to be glad they do not know the pain of losing a child, and their worst day is losing a pet. I am really trying to focus on that...
A friend's dog died recently. She shared a video her son made her about the dog. It was sad and a beautiful tribute. The dog had been sick for a while, but had lived a long healthy life. In her post on facebook, she called the dog her baby. I was triggered by this, as dogs are not babies. I can understand the deep love we have for our pets. I had two dogs I grew up with, and I loved them deeply. I was very saddened by their passing. I remember when we were discussing putting my dog down, and I was sobbing. I said that Sunny was my baby. My mother said, "Michelle, he is not your baby". I was very angered by this. However, years later I lost my daughter, and learned she was right. My dog was not my baby. Anastasia Maeve Paradis was my baby.
The pain of losing my dog is nowhere near the pain of losing my daughter. I apparently upset this friend, who must have shared my private message with a mutual friend. This mutual friend posted a scathing rant publicly saying her dog had been her baby, and repeated "baby" over and over again, saying go ahead and delete her if I didn't like it. She then stated she had carried babies within her body, and losing her dog hurt more than losing those babies.
I was dumbfounded. Seriously? I'm not sure what to think of that. Is is possible for someone to have more pain over losing an animal than a child? I just..don't get it. I however don't think she was wanting to be pregnant, and had a miscarriage...I could be wrong, but not sure. I do not feel that losing your pet dog, and losing your child are even in the same stratosphere. For her to suggest they are, and in fact losing a dog was worse was very painful for me. I'm sorry, no matter how much you love your dog, you love your children more. I did not fully understand this until I lost my daughter.
Nothing, not even watching my mother die from cancer was more painful than holding my dead child in my arms.
I am having a rough day. I sent her a private polite message and blocked her. I cannot see those types of posts. It makes me feel like she is invalidating Ana's life. Like her life is not worth more than a dog. I freaking love dogs, and miss mine all the time but it does not equate to a human child...I'm sorry. I just can't see that.
I was able to talk to my sister and a fellow loss Mom friend, and that helped immensely. The advice was to be glad they do not know the pain of losing a child, and their worst day is losing a pet. I am really trying to focus on that...
Monday, June 27, 2016
Dreams
Hi blog.
So last night I had a dream about my Mom. A real dream, not a nightmare which was nice. Though part of it was sad, but I'll focus on the happy.
I think it really was her coming through. I can usually tell. Visitation dreams aren't scary, feels real and you are usually aware on some level that it is a dream/visit. Usually my dreams of Mom are just nightmares about her death, or having to watch her die again and again. This time I was driving with her in her car. We did this a lot when we talked. We would drive down to the beach and eat ice cream when I was having a hard time. A lot of important/deep conversations happened in the car. So, in the dream we were driving. I was somewhat aware of this being a dream and talking with Mom. I felt short for time, not knowing when the dream would end. I remember asking a few questions but unfortunately I can't remember them all. I asked about Ana. Mom said she was wise, or "an adult". I took this to mean she was very advanced for her age. In the dream I replied "yeah, she has reincarnated more times than I have". I then asked my Mom if I would carry another child in my body. She said yes. I know there was more but I can't remember. Hoping it comes back to me. It was pretty short but real. I think I asked if she hears me, or is with me. I usually ask that. When it's a nightmare she usually says no she doesn't hear me, or isn't aware. I feel she really is with me always and can hear me.
So that was kind of cool. I live for those visits...signs. I miss my Mom so much lately. I miss Ana too, but I guess I feel more resolved with her death, probably because it has been longer. I miss her very, very much and some days the grief over takes me and I feel depressed. Right now, Mom is really on my mind and I just want to talk with her. Ask her things, get her advice.
One of the things I would talk with her about would be adoption. Toby and I have decided to look into it. I have always wanted to adopt anyway, and the anxiety of trying to get pregnant is overwhelming me. We will keep trying but also pursue adoption. I am going to an informational meeting in a few weeks. Some of my other loss mama friends are going too, which is exciting.
Ok..that's all for now.
So last night I had a dream about my Mom. A real dream, not a nightmare which was nice. Though part of it was sad, but I'll focus on the happy.
I think it really was her coming through. I can usually tell. Visitation dreams aren't scary, feels real and you are usually aware on some level that it is a dream/visit. Usually my dreams of Mom are just nightmares about her death, or having to watch her die again and again. This time I was driving with her in her car. We did this a lot when we talked. We would drive down to the beach and eat ice cream when I was having a hard time. A lot of important/deep conversations happened in the car. So, in the dream we were driving. I was somewhat aware of this being a dream and talking with Mom. I felt short for time, not knowing when the dream would end. I remember asking a few questions but unfortunately I can't remember them all. I asked about Ana. Mom said she was wise, or "an adult". I took this to mean she was very advanced for her age. In the dream I replied "yeah, she has reincarnated more times than I have". I then asked my Mom if I would carry another child in my body. She said yes. I know there was more but I can't remember. Hoping it comes back to me. It was pretty short but real. I think I asked if she hears me, or is with me. I usually ask that. When it's a nightmare she usually says no she doesn't hear me, or isn't aware. I feel she really is with me always and can hear me.
So that was kind of cool. I live for those visits...signs. I miss my Mom so much lately. I miss Ana too, but I guess I feel more resolved with her death, probably because it has been longer. I miss her very, very much and some days the grief over takes me and I feel depressed. Right now, Mom is really on my mind and I just want to talk with her. Ask her things, get her advice.
One of the things I would talk with her about would be adoption. Toby and I have decided to look into it. I have always wanted to adopt anyway, and the anxiety of trying to get pregnant is overwhelming me. We will keep trying but also pursue adoption. I am going to an informational meeting in a few weeks. Some of my other loss mama friends are going too, which is exciting.
Ok..that's all for now.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Summer!
Hello blog
I am on summer vacation. It is very strange, having worked every summer since I was 15. I think this summer will be very theraputic. I will have time to refocus on what is important, family and health. I will be able to exercise, read, write. Time for myself. We got the pool open, and I am finding it theraputic to work on it. It's a fair amount of work but once it is clean it will be very nice.
So, we've been trying for another baby for four months now. Just got my period yesterday. I am having odd cycles, short luteal phase (phase after ovulation before period, when egg is fertilized and implants). This means my body is triggering menstruation before it should, thus not giving a potential fertilized egg time to implant. Obviously, this is a problem. I have learned a lot since starting trying to conceive Ana four years ago. Actually, I got pregnant with Ana four years ago this week. If I had gotten pregnant this month, my due date would have been Ana's fourth birthday. So, getting my period was more difficult this month. Next cycle would be Caden's birthday as my due date...another March baby.
So a few weeks ago I went to my primary care doc, because she is awesome and her treatment helped me get pregnant with Caden. Back then my issue was ovulation and too long of cycles (go figure). She also used to be a midwife. When I explained that my luteal phase was short, she looked confused and said luteal phase is ALWAYS 14 days. (Um, no). I explained that I knew when I ovulated, based on tests and other symptoms. She again said no, you ovulate around day 14. Again, not everyone does. I have always ovulated on or around day 21 of my cycle. I have been charting my cycles for four years. I know myself pretty well. Needless her advice was "just have sex on day 12, 14 and 16 and you'll get pregnant". Thanks for nothing. She then looked at Caden and said "you sure you want another?". Well, she's the one who asked about us trying again months ago!
Why do people think it is ok to ask a woman about her reproduction? Some women have trouble trying to get pregnant, others can't and then some women don't want children. It is none of their damn business. We all have dreams of what we want for a family...no one envisions losing a child, not being able to concieve. I wanted three kids. Originally 2 boys and a girl. Then, when I met Toby it switched to two girls and a boy...I even had names picked out by the time we were married. Anastasia, Caden and Willow. I've been right about the first two...pretty sure I have another daughter out there meant to be with us. I have then seen us adopting a fourth child. We'll see. I just want to be "done".Have all my children here with me, though that will never be possible without Ana. I do however want to put pregnancy and birth behind me.
Ok, off to a therapy appointment...
I am on summer vacation. It is very strange, having worked every summer since I was 15. I think this summer will be very theraputic. I will have time to refocus on what is important, family and health. I will be able to exercise, read, write. Time for myself. We got the pool open, and I am finding it theraputic to work on it. It's a fair amount of work but once it is clean it will be very nice.
So, we've been trying for another baby for four months now. Just got my period yesterday. I am having odd cycles, short luteal phase (phase after ovulation before period, when egg is fertilized and implants). This means my body is triggering menstruation before it should, thus not giving a potential fertilized egg time to implant. Obviously, this is a problem. I have learned a lot since starting trying to conceive Ana four years ago. Actually, I got pregnant with Ana four years ago this week. If I had gotten pregnant this month, my due date would have been Ana's fourth birthday. So, getting my period was more difficult this month. Next cycle would be Caden's birthday as my due date...another March baby.
So a few weeks ago I went to my primary care doc, because she is awesome and her treatment helped me get pregnant with Caden. Back then my issue was ovulation and too long of cycles (go figure). She also used to be a midwife. When I explained that my luteal phase was short, she looked confused and said luteal phase is ALWAYS 14 days. (Um, no). I explained that I knew when I ovulated, based on tests and other symptoms. She again said no, you ovulate around day 14. Again, not everyone does. I have always ovulated on or around day 21 of my cycle. I have been charting my cycles for four years. I know myself pretty well. Needless her advice was "just have sex on day 12, 14 and 16 and you'll get pregnant". Thanks for nothing. She then looked at Caden and said "you sure you want another?". Well, she's the one who asked about us trying again months ago!
Why do people think it is ok to ask a woman about her reproduction? Some women have trouble trying to get pregnant, others can't and then some women don't want children. It is none of their damn business. We all have dreams of what we want for a family...no one envisions losing a child, not being able to concieve. I wanted three kids. Originally 2 boys and a girl. Then, when I met Toby it switched to two girls and a boy...I even had names picked out by the time we were married. Anastasia, Caden and Willow. I've been right about the first two...pretty sure I have another daughter out there meant to be with us. I have then seen us adopting a fourth child. We'll see. I just want to be "done".Have all my children here with me, though that will never be possible without Ana. I do however want to put pregnancy and birth behind me.
Ok, off to a therapy appointment...
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Blessings
Want to take the time to focus on a wonderful moment I had with my son yesterday afternoon. We went to play outside with some water and toys. Initially, he was not to thrilled! The grass freaked him out!
Then, he got used to it and we played in the water. He was so happy, splashing around and sitting with Mommy. Then, a group of dragonflies danced around us. Like, 5 or 6 of them just spinning and twirling around us. I felt it was my Mom, and Ana and other special people who have passed on, coming for a visit. I felt this strongly. I felt like my Mom was there, proud of me. Watching me be a mother. I felt all encompassing peace and happiness for the first time in a while. It was short lived, but it was marvelous! I will work consciously to have more of these precious moments. To remember my blessings and celebrate them!
I will forever remember this moment with my son, playing and watching the dragonflies dance.
Then, he got used to it and we played in the water. He was so happy, splashing around and sitting with Mommy. Then, a group of dragonflies danced around us. Like, 5 or 6 of them just spinning and twirling around us. I felt it was my Mom, and Ana and other special people who have passed on, coming for a visit. I felt this strongly. I felt like my Mom was there, proud of me. Watching me be a mother. I felt all encompassing peace and happiness for the first time in a while. It was short lived, but it was marvelous! I will work consciously to have more of these precious moments. To remember my blessings and celebrate them!
I will forever remember this moment with my son, playing and watching the dragonflies dance.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Triggers
Hello blog. Had a pretty good memorial day weekend. It was quiet...first quiet weekend in a long time. It was kind of strange actually to have nothing to do. Took a couple walks which was nice. Had some Mom dreams that were kind of weird. Don't really remember them just that Mom popped in and out. Some of it involved Caden and baby things. I sure do miss Mom. Doing relay for life this friday, that should be fun (and emotional I'm sure).
Trigger this morning. Completely random. There was a picture and article on yahoo about a migrant baby who died...I didn't read it, but sounds like it was a child who fell off a boat trying to come to the US. The picture actually shows the dead baby. Cue PTSD and depression. All it took. I need to be really careful about news stories. They can totally mess up my day and throw me off. I just cannot take it right now. My anxiety about Caden dying is always there, he slept in his bed all night two nights ago, and of course I thought first "he's dead". I'm able to not obsess beyond the initial thought, which is good! but, it is still an automatic thought frequently. I wonder if that will ever change, or will I always have to deal with this? I've always had anxiety. I am actually meeting with a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week, per recommendation from my therapist. I am interested in clarifying my diagnosis and re-evaluating medication. In the past I've been treated for depression/anxiety, but I really think it is more OCD/anxiety at this point. Due to the intrusive/obsessional thoughts. We'll see. I'm not wanting to go on a bunch of med trials...did that in high school and it was terrible. But, If I can actually get an accurate portrait of what I am dealing with, that would be a great first step.
I believe the grief I am experiencing is normal. However, couple that with OCD and anxiety (as well as postpartum), it gets difficult to manage. I'll let you know how that goes.
Back to work. 11 more days of school...I can do it!
Trigger this morning. Completely random. There was a picture and article on yahoo about a migrant baby who died...I didn't read it, but sounds like it was a child who fell off a boat trying to come to the US. The picture actually shows the dead baby. Cue PTSD and depression. All it took. I need to be really careful about news stories. They can totally mess up my day and throw me off. I just cannot take it right now. My anxiety about Caden dying is always there, he slept in his bed all night two nights ago, and of course I thought first "he's dead". I'm able to not obsess beyond the initial thought, which is good! but, it is still an automatic thought frequently. I wonder if that will ever change, or will I always have to deal with this? I've always had anxiety. I am actually meeting with a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week, per recommendation from my therapist. I am interested in clarifying my diagnosis and re-evaluating medication. In the past I've been treated for depression/anxiety, but I really think it is more OCD/anxiety at this point. Due to the intrusive/obsessional thoughts. We'll see. I'm not wanting to go on a bunch of med trials...did that in high school and it was terrible. But, If I can actually get an accurate portrait of what I am dealing with, that would be a great first step.
I believe the grief I am experiencing is normal. However, couple that with OCD and anxiety (as well as postpartum), it gets difficult to manage. I'll let you know how that goes.
Back to work. 11 more days of school...I can do it!
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