Updates

Hello. I need a little journaling therapy!


A lot has been going on. My pregnancy is going fine, first of all. I am 17weeks 3 days pregnant, feeling baby kick :) It doesn't make me as anxious as I thought it would, but I'm not feeling strong kicks yet and once I do...well, not going to borrow trouble. I see my OB on Thurs and I'm hoping for an ultrasound and maybe finding out the gender! That would be great. If not we have our anatomy scan on Dec. 3rd. We will also be meeting with a specialist to discuss delivery options.


So. Not sure the last time I wrote...
My Mom has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We've known I think two months. It totally sucks. The tumor is large, and inoperable. It is terminal, all we can do is extend life by chemo/radiation. This is of course devastating news, and we all hope she will make it to meet our rainbow baby. She has undergone radiation and is undergoing chemo. It has been tough on her. She is very tired and needs help with daily living stuff.


On 11/6, I got a call that my grandfather had died. He was 87, and we were expecting it due to him having heart issues. It was of course sad, and I went down to my parents house (3 hours south of me). My Mom is not doing well, and was unable to travel and unable to be alone. So, since I was pregnant I elected to stay with Mom over the 12 hour car ride to Pennsylvania for the funeral. Mom wasn't looking good at all. Swollen legs, extreme fatigue, wasn't eating much and not peeing much. I took her to the doctor the next day due to her legs looking worse. She was then transported to the ER by an ambulance. She was admitted and spent a week at the hospital. Mom was sick, scared and did not want to be there. She thought it was the end. They discovered a large clot in her leg. Lots of tests and blood draws, and she was also dehydrated, anemic and low on potassium and magnesium. She also had a low red blood cell count. So, she got tons of fluids, blood thinners, antibiotics and a blood transfusion. She looked SO MUCH better. Her legs got better and her personality came back. I discharged her home, and that night we needed to go back because she got a nose bleed. Due to being on a blood thinner, we were told if she started to bleed we needed to get help ASAP. Luckily the bleeding stopped and we went home.


Since coming home, she is tired and a bit grumpy. She is also depressed (no doubt) and we've had a lot of conversations about this potentially being the last holiday she will be with us, not getting much time with the baby, and missing my sister's wedding and babies. It's so hard, and not fair. So, I was totally wiped out.


Aside from taking care of my Mom, I was taking care of a large house, wood stove and three animals. Traveling back and forth between the hospital, being emotional support for my Mom. I was exhausted, and still am. We came back late Thursday night and I worked half a day Friday, and am working today. I am exhausted. It feels better getting that all out. my work schedule/duties will be changing soon, which I am looking forward to. It will be less intense, I will have weekends off as well as holidays...plus a safer environment for my pregnancy. All and all a good thing.


Ok, back to work. I am so tired!!

Lots going on

Hello blog. So there has been a lot going on.

Baby and I are doing well. I've had two ultrasounds and the intake appointment with the nurse. Ultrasounds went well, baby is measuring on time. Looks like my offical due date will be April 22nd or around there. I see my OB (finally) on Thursday.

My appointment with the nurse didn't go so well. She brought us back, and asked if this was my first pregnancy. (She had my file right in front of her, as well as on the computer). I said no. She then asked if I breast fed my first. I am a very polite person, but nearly lost it when I said "she died". The nurse then looked at the computer and said "oh, it says it right there, fetal demise 36 weeks". She then made the excuse that "I didn't even know I was doing an interview this morning, so I didn't have a chance to read your file". She was non sympathic. I started crying and she said nothing. I WILL be talking with my OB about it. Totally not impressed, and unneccisary. Made me very upset.

Then, to top it all off my Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Yeah. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst types to get. She's had a biopsy, and it's spread to lymph nodes and major blood vessels. They said without treatment, 6 months. With treatment, 12-18 months. She's starting chemo tomorrow, for three weeks then three weeks of radiation. She's in a fair amount of pain and it is really hard to watch. We're all hopeful that she will get to meet the baby. It just totally sucks. I want my Mom to be able to be a grandmother. I'm not ready for her to go yet.


So, that's about all for now. My life has been very busy and intense. Really for some peace...

First ultrasound

Hello!
So after much anxiety, I had my first ultrasound today. We were relieved to see a heartbeat! It's early, so we were trying not to expect to see much, but there was that little flicker. So much relief. The tech was kinda awkward and said they aren't allowed to tell us much, but did say the heart rate was 95 (normal for so early). My husband thought he saw 6 weeks and something when they were measuring the baby. I'd also assume that since we saw a heart beat, we are right on track! He said my OB will call us in 3-5 days (I'd imagine sooner...). Then I'll get my offical due date. I'd assume between April 17th-20th. Fertility friend said April 19th which seems pretty accurate. Ok, offical first pic!!  8/25/14 (my Dad's birthday, extra sweet!)

He passed his first test with flying colors :)
(we feel this baby is a boy so I will probably refer to the baby as a him until we are sure). We're calling him our baby blob!

Here is our pregnancy test pic...Aug. 7th 2014

Grow, baby grow!

Anxiety

Hello.
I'm so anxious. Today I am 5 weeks 5 days pregnant. I feel like...this is all fake, and I'm not really pregnant. I'm worried about everything. I had betas done last week, and my doctor said they looked "terrific". That made me feel better, and at ease for a few days. I have an early ultrasound on Monday. I will be six weeks, 1 day. I know not to expect a heartbeat. I wish I was a few days ahead, then I might see a heartbeat. I am so anxious about it...if I don't see a heartbeat (which would be totally normal) I will be anxious until I do. I will worry that the baby isn't developing. I wish I could just fast forward time. I almost wish I didn't know so many people (online) who have had multiple miscarriages. It probably wouldn't be such a big worry if I didn't know so many. I feel like once I see the heartbeat, I am "really" pregnant. Then I feel like I can tell more people. So far, both sets of parents know, my sister, Ana's (and this baby's) Godmom, my other friend, my best friend and her husband, two people at work and my two supervisors. So...I guess that's a lot! Haha. I had to tell my supervisors because of the ultrasound on Monday. They both said they knew it! They had noticed I was giddy and more upbeat. I want everyone to know. I want this pregnancy to be real. I want it to feel real. Ugh...so many emotions! It's really odd...being pregnant, but not feeling fully pregnant. I wish I could fast forward time. I want to see my OB. I probably won't see her for a bit longer...the ultrasound is at the radiology department. They probably have better equipment there. I'm hoping if we don't see a heartbeat she will let me come in for another early ultrasound in a week or so to ensure the baby is growing. So much anxiety!! It would be so much easier if there was just a heartbeat on Monday! Blah.

Ok, enough whining for now.

Rainbows

Hello there!

WELL, on Aug 7th 2014, we discovered that we are PREGNANT! So excited, overwhelmed, scared, joyful! It's still sinking in. I almost think that having our appointment with Dr. R, and thinking we would need help to get pregnant, relaxed me enough. I really didn't have much hope for this cycle. WOW! I am so happy...it has been a long journey...17 months we've been trying. This baby is very much wanted. So, my due date for now is April 19th. I see Dr. R end of September (so far away!) for an ultrasound, and we'll see what dates that shows. We'll be induced at 37 weeks due to my high risk, so end of March. Another March baby :) That's ok with me!

This will be a very, long journey I'm sure. I have the support of my family, friends, and my online community thebump.com. Those ladies are wonderful. When I told my Mom she kept saying "really?! Ok....really?!! ok..." haha. Toby's parents got all choked up. It was really sweet. I'm only 4weeks 2 days, so really early on. Wish it would go faster. I almost feel like it's so early I'm only "kinda" pregnant. I know, silly. Pregnant is pregnant! Ok, so I have to run off to work.  Also, strangely...we found out we were pregnant with Ana on July 7th, 2012, and with this one August 7th, 2014. Kinda cool.

I also peed on about 5 tests.... :)  I will upload the "offical pee stick picture" once I get it off my phone.

Plan

So, we met with our OB, Dr. R on the 21st. I was really scared and anxious. I knew that we'd probably have to wait, she's busy and you never know when someone might go into labor. We did end up waiting for 45 minutes, which was like torture, being surrounded by pregnant ladies and memories from my pregnancy with Ana.

Finally she came in. She was not at all concerned that I was not pregnant yet. Our trying to concieve story goes somewhat like this... I was diagnosed with PCOS in college due to not getting my period for a few months. I was not concerned about fertility. In fact, it only took four months of trying, and two with charting my temperatures to get pregnant with Ana.

We wanted to try right away, and were cleared to try to get pregnant six weeks after Ana's birth. I was in no way prepared to get pregnant, but we were desperate to have a baby in our arms. We tried for six months unsuccessfully. I chart my temperatures, and it was clear I was not ovulating. I was also having really long cycles, up to 70 days. So, in October my primary doc and I decided I should go back on birth control pills. I cried like a baby when we made that decison, because the idea of preventing pregnancy was so depressing. I took birth control pills for three months, and started metformin. This regulated my cycles. In Janurary of 2014 we started trying again. I am ovulating, with an average of 32 day cycles. This is amazing.

So, back to Dr. R. In reality, even though we've been trying for our rainbow over a year, I've only been ovulating for 6 cycles. That is not long in the trying to concieve world. It can take a healthy couple up to a year to get pregnant. So, she says we should keep trying for 6 more months. At that point, we can consider clomid. She asked if I wanted it now, but I thought it was a bit premature, especially with no testing.

I've had a bunch of blood work, my thyroid, blood sugar all look great. Hormones seem to be balanced. Dr. R is checking my testosterone level. I've had an ultrasound in April due to some pain on my left ovary. Nothing was found and everything looked great. I asked about testing my husband, to check his sperm count. She didn't think this was necessary, as we've conceived before. However she said it wouldn't hurt, so we did that last week. Should get results hopefully by the end of the week. So, we've decided to try on our own a few more months. If we are still not pregnant, we'll explore clomid (if my husbands sperm is normal. If not, we'll explore IUI). So...that's the update.

I am just ready to move on to the next phase...staying up all night with a baby, vomit, poop, drool, baby giggles and smiles...I want it all. I miss Ana so much, and wish she could be here with us. I know she watches over us, but some days it's just not enough. I want to hold her. I hope she is proud of her Mommy and Daddy, and how strong we are. Ugh. I never thought I'd be the Mom of an angel (no one thinks that). Hopefully our rainbow of hope is on the way.

Updates

Hi blog, this might be cut short. I am at work but felt I needed to update. It's been a while. So, here we are in July. I am not pregnant yet. If I had gotten pregnant this cycle I would have had pretty much the same due date as Ana. It was an exciting but bittersweet possibility. When my period started, I really struggled with anxiety and depression. I'm doing a bit better now, but I was definitely struggling for a few days there. To the point I took my anxiety med (which I haven't taken in maybe 6 months). I've had one bottle (maybe 30 pills?) since I had Ana, and there is still some left so I take it pretty rarely. I was just overwhelmed, teary and anxious. Couldn't really identify why...aside from not being pregnant, hormones, and just coming back from a wonderful vacation.

My Mom made a good point. I have not truly relaxed since Ana died. Any gatherings/time off has been spent grieving. I took 5 days off and went to a cabin on a lake with my husband, my parents and my sister. It was awesome. I have not seen my family since Ana's birthday in March so it was much needed. A coworker commented it was to bad I was going with my family, and not just my husband. I was totally ok with it, and really enjoyed it. I love spending time with my family. I currently live 2.5 hours from them, and wish I lived closer. I kayaked with my sister, had a bon fire, many family meals and relaxing on the lake. I truly "let go' and was able to rest and relax. Then, I come back to stressful work, we only have 1 car so that has been really difficult. Plus, I kind of "came back" to my grief and it hit me hard. I reached out to a friend, who canceled on my three times. That send me spiraling, as I really needed/need a friend. But, I feel like I am on the mend.

We got my husband a car yesterday! This takes a lot of stress off of me, and he is so proud to own a car. His cars have always been pass downs from his parents, so for him to have his own car he has paid for is helping his self confidence. Plus I don't have to get up early to take him to work, or stay late at my job.

So, on July 21st I have an appointment with my OB. I love her. I'm due for my exam, and we're going to have the "what now" discussion. We've been trying for over a year. 6 months of that I was not ovulating, so I went on birth control and started metformin. It has been another six months that I have been ovulating and having regular cycles. So we'll see what she says. Probably just some preliminary testing right now. I don't think she'd recommend medication to help me ovulate, since I already am, but we'll see. I'll update you then.

So, that's what's going on. I miss my baby girl. She would be 16 months. It's totally not fair at all, and to not have my rainbow in my arms 16 months later is just cruel. Hopefully, I will be pregnant soon.